So after about a year of being in love with a Hopeless To Be Had, I find myself going back to the way I used to feel a long long time ago, when I was ruthless, mad, annoyed. I don't know that I like feeling this way.
Nene asked me, while I was showing him how to do something, what I wanted him to do. I said dump the wife. It was kinda funny to see him blink. But now I don't even know that I want him to. Now I'm so annoyed with the whole thing and just mad. He was still trying flirt, and I told him you made your decision... in my opinion it was the wrong one but that's what you chose. Yeah, I know.... conflicting directions but I'm conflicted and totally of the mindset to share that confusion. He said he wanted to come see me this weekend. I said he was busy... he said he wasn't. I said I was and I needed to figure out if I should cancel. And I'm not sure I even want to see him... I think the gates are closed enough and they should stay that way. It's just easier on me in the long run.
On the other hand the Date was coming on like gangbusters this week. One the one hand it's funny, and flattering and I enjoy it. On the other hand there is darkness creeping into my soul because I've been here so many times before, and every other time I was so hopeful and now I'm so not. The Fat Lady told me the other day about this episode of Sex And the City, about one of The Girls who was jaded (Miranda?) and how she finally ended up with her guy. I laughed as she described a lot of what I'm feeling... and then told me all about the happy ending. And I said but it was a TV Show... a Movie. That's why there was a happy ending. The reality is that men who come on like gangbusters in the beginning usually cool off the second you either give it up or show real interest.
The other day I was dropping the Moon at home after bringing him back from school, and I ran into a friend of mine, sitting in her car. She was crying but she didn't want me to see. I kept asking her what was wrong cuz I'm relentless like that. She's just getting out of a 7-year relationship, and before that she had been NotInARelationship (ie, celibate) for the three years prior. So in essence, she had either been sexless or not enough sex in 10 years. She said she just wanted to get laid... no strings... and had gone out "dressed like the biggest whore" and not one guy had approached her. "The game has changed" she said... "my friends said men expect me to come up to them, now, and I never did that."
The game has changed. In my day, the chicks who approached men or who put out were "easy" or cheap, and certainly talked about. And despite HIV and other nasty little diseases, people seem to be awfully free and easy with who they sleep with these days, and gender also seems to be pretty interchangeable. And certainly, nobody seems to want to commit. The no-committal thing would work for my friend, though. I told her that from what I've seen, the major trick is to feel empowered enough to not NEED anything from anyone..... that if they sense need in you, you're done.
Me, I'm a big walking need. But at the same time I know how to cope, how to take care of me. I don't think I'm doing it all that well... but I'm used to doing it alone. I was--for the most part--pregnant alone, raised a small child alone, I live alone, I console myself or rejoice over a triumph alone. I'm tired of doing it alone and don't want to anymore... but I'd rather continue to be alone than to change those things I like about me. I'm not into casual sex or multiple "friends".
I like being committed, monogamous, "ride or die". And I don't mind just hanging out or going dancing or the movies with someone just to have fun. But I get the distinct impression that men these days expect you to sleep with them just because they paid for a dinner. After you've walked up to them and asked them to take you out.
So I guess I'm gonna be single a while.