Life Can Be Funny

So after about a year of being in love with a Hopeless To Be Had, I find myself going back to the way I used to feel a long long time ago, when I was ruthless, mad, annoyed. I don't know that I like feeling this way.

Nene asked me, while I was showing him how to do something, what I wanted him to do. I said dump the wife. It was kinda funny to see him blink. But now I don't even know that I want him to. Now I'm so annoyed with the whole thing and just mad. He was still trying flirt, and I told him you made your decision... in my opinion it was the wrong one but that's what you chose. Yeah, I know.... conflicting directions but I'm conflicted and totally of the mindset to share that confusion. He said he wanted to come see me this weekend. I said he was busy... he said he wasn't. I said I was and I needed to figure out if I should cancel. And I'm not sure I even want to see him... I think the gates are closed enough and they should stay that way. It's just easier on me in the long run.

On the other hand the Date was coming on like gangbusters this week. One the one hand it's funny, and flattering and I enjoy it. On the other hand there is darkness creeping into my soul because I've been here so many times before, and every other time I was so hopeful and now I'm so not. The Fat Lady told me the other day about this episode of Sex And the City, about one of The Girls who was jaded (Miranda?) and how she finally ended up with her guy. I laughed as she described a lot of what I'm feeling... and then told me all about the happy ending. And I said but it was a TV Show... a Movie. That's why there was a happy ending. The reality is that men who come on like gangbusters in the beginning usually cool off the second you either give it up or show real interest.

The other day I was dropping the Moon at home after bringing him back from school, and I ran into a friend of mine, sitting in her car. She was crying but she didn't want me to see. I kept asking her what was wrong cuz I'm relentless like that. She's just getting out of a 7-year relationship, and before that she had been NotInARelationship (ie, celibate) for the three years prior. So in essence, she had either been sexless or not enough sex in 10 years. She said she just wanted to get laid... no strings... and had gone out "dressed like the biggest whore" and not one guy had approached her. "The game has changed" she said... "my friends said men expect me to come up to them, now, and I never did that."

The game has changed. In my day, the chicks who approached men or who put out were "easy" or cheap, and certainly talked about. And despite HIV and other nasty little diseases, people seem to be awfully free and easy with who they sleep with these days, and gender also seems to be pretty interchangeable. And certainly, nobody seems to want to commit. The no-committal thing would work for my friend, though. I told her that from what I've seen, the major trick is to feel empowered enough to not NEED anything from anyone..... that if they sense need in you, you're done.

Me, I'm a big walking need. But at the same time I know how to cope, how to take care of me. I don't think I'm doing it all that well... but I'm used to doing it alone. I was--for the most part--pregnant alone, raised a small child alone, I live alone, I console myself or rejoice over a triumph alone. I'm tired of doing it alone and don't want to anymore... but I'd rather continue to be alone than to change those things I like about me. I'm not into casual sex or multiple "friends".

I like being committed, monogamous, "ride or die". And I don't mind just hanging out or going dancing or the movies with someone just to have fun. But I get the distinct impression that men these days expect you to sleep with them just because they paid for a dinner. After you've walked up to them and asked them to take you out.

So I guess I'm gonna be single a while.

Comments

DrDonna said…
It seems that men have just gotten lazier as women have become "empowered".... hmmm
I don't envy you, I'd stay single for a while too
professor said…
1. its time for another sex toy party...
2. I go out till the sex thing comes up then I see how I feel
3.i will approach dudes, but since I'm not tall lightskin with a big butt I generally get rebuffed...but honestly who cares
4. I live vicariously through choclahontas
5. I have a host of my young dudes...my sons... I hang out with when I just wanna be in male company...i have learned not to cross the line however (case in point sexychocolate)...
Ros said…
Men are just a bunch of freakin' stupid morons and if I could get laid without having to TALK, I would.
Ros said…
Oh yeah but if you have a sex toy party you have to invite me.
there is never enough sex if u ask me
The Bear Maiden said…
LOL. All of you made me laugh for various reasons. But Mr. T. you cracked me up...
Fat Lady said…
Of course I wrote this long-ass comment and lost it. So, let's see if I can recreate it - hopefully in shorter form.

You forgot to mention that I also said that I think that when men find THE ONE all bets are off. If you're THE ONE then you could sleep with him on the first date or the twentieth and it won't matter - he's sticking around. If you're not THE ONE then it doesn't matter if you sleep with him on the first date or the twentieth because sooner or later he's out of there.

Personally, if I'm not THE ONE, I'd rather know up front. So waiting for sex is just wasting time as far as I'm concerned. Sure, he'll do things for you while he's waiting to get some - but you're also getting more attached, deeper into it. So if you're not THE ONE and he takes off after the chase is over, then you're more likely to get hurt.

Me, I'd rather be open to all possibilities while I'm still not too invested. Go ahead and enjoy the sex, and if it's really me he wants then he'll stick around. If he doesn't then he wasn't the one for me anyway.

I think, a little bit, that you're playing with fire and you think that because you have on protective gloves you can't get burned.

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