Monday, June 23, 2008

So, Um, What Was I Ranting About... (pt 1)

the other day?

Oh yeah. Being jaded, and thinking I'll be single for a while.

It's been an interesting coupla days.

(and this got to be so long I'm gonna break it into two posts. This is what happens when I don't write everyday, like I should.)

Various peoples in real life have various things to say about what's been happening and I suppose they're entitled. Shoefly seems none too pleased... probably cuz its way close to home. And I also know she's my friend and knows I get wrapped up and doesn't like to see me hurt over dumb people. Fatlady asked me what I was doing and that I should just give up the Stuff (well she was much classier than that) and not make such a big deal about it, since no matter what I say happened whoever finds out will assume I'm sleeping with him anyway.

The Professor has predicted, based on a visionflash this morning, that this will be The One. She was very detailed about it, too.

Me? I feel like I'm holding my breath.

And for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, the nutshell version (ok I started writing and it turned out not to be the nutshell version) is this:

What started as a date last Friday turned into 24-hour-a-day text messaging and some inside jokes, which turned into a planned date on Saturday night which I realized wasn't going to happen due to various reasons and then turned into an impromptu date on Friday night.

I was asked to accompany a car trip to Brooklyn to pick up a grandchild of the Date's PracticalMama (as opposed to BirthMama) from the Grandchild's other Grandmother and bring said Grandchild back to the home of the PracticalMama. This required that the Date first come and pick me on the Rock. I had been in the City to accompany the Sun on a school trip to the Amazonia exhibit at the South Street Seaport. Afterwards, I had to go over to E. 94th to pick up a check, and the Sun and I were supposed to go to Yonkers for the last workout before the Sun's Greenbelt Test. But I could see the Sun was tired... the trip to the Seaport was fun but hectic, and even though I knew the Senseis would be upset, I decided, after walking over and back from 103rd to 94th and 1st Ave, that the Sun just needed to go home. So we went back to school to pick up the Moon.

But I wanted to put my client's check in the bank, so we got off the bus at 'Two-Five, but something had happened and all the glassfront of the bank was shattered, and there were police. So the boys and I had to trek across 'Two Five to the other branch, and then once I was there I realized I should duck into Marshall's and pick out a gift for the Sun's teacher.

Then I got the text... did I want to ride to Brooklyn? and I didn't think it would happen due to timing... but I got the boys home, fed them Chinese food, packed up the Sun for a sleepover at the Moon's, and took a shower.

At about 8:30p Shoefly got the boys and the Date rolled up in his car about the same time.

Funny thing about the Date.

It hit me with a flash that he reminds me of Uncly... same laid back energy, same love of driving ("I drive... that's what I do" he said), same love of sunroofs and darktinted windows so they can be "incognito" (only Uncly had to remove his tint cuz the cops made him) and some other stuff. So we drove out to Brooklyn, me playing DJ on his iPod.

Then there's the fact that unlike Nene, who never wanted to claim me despite whatever form of a relationship we were having... the Date and I technically have NO relationship, and he had no problem taking me around with him to drop off the Grandchild. And seeing the PracticalMama who knows me EXTREMELY well (um, I did mention the Date was "awfullyclosetohome"). PracticalMama merely smiled and said "Hi", and got in the car and we drove her and Grandchild home.

And then Date took me up to see BabyMama.

It might seem a little strange... but people make weird relationships and it seems as though the main relationship is between the Date and PracticalMama ("Everything stops for her" he said... and I said I was cool with that cuz I happen to like her), rather than the Date and BabyMama who is PracticalMama's daugther. So BabyMama and the date seem to be more like brother and sister with an incestuous history, rather than exes. Listen, it's the 'hood. What can I tell you. Only... they're not really 'hood but it doesn't matter--they act gangsta.

BabyMama has just moved into a new apartment in the same building as PracticalMama and was having a mild get-together. So we sat and chatted, and it was a little strange but it wasn't too bad, especially after a Corona. And a puff. But not much so's I wouldn't get antisocial.

So then Date needed food and we ended up in a Sports Bar (joy!--not) but after two Margaritas and a rebroadcast of the Mike Tyson/Buster Douglass fight (wherein Mike got knocked out) and some hot wings and fries, we sat next to each other, leaning on each other and not really saying much.

By then it was 2AM, and we were both really tired--I having not slept much the night before due to the usual, and he cuz he'd been hanging out--so he drove me home. I was supposed to go down to the Sun's school on Saturday morning to help with our annual Rummage Sale/Fair set-up, but I was thinking out loud that I probably wasn't going to make it. And the Date suggested that he stay over, and drive us both down in the morning. He promised he'd be respectful and a gentleman and would sleep on the couch. And I knew that he would and so I agreed.

He wasn't really the problem though. It's me with the hairpin trigger...

...but that's why I hold out. Because I often jump into things. And I haven't been able to jump into something without staying in it, without becoming attached. No matter what I say. There are most certainly people who can sleep with people and walk away if it doesn't work... chalk it up to "fun" or a "scratch" and move on. Not me. Every man I have ever slept with in my entire life from the time I was 16, I have had some form of a relationship with... usually exclusive. Even if I sleep with them on the first date. The one time in my life I was able to be cavalier about sex was just after my divorce, when I was 23 and superbitter. But even then... while I wasn't exclusive with one, it was the same coupla guys for about a year, until I fell in love with one of them and cut all the others off.

At 43 I've decided there's no point in pretending anything different. And I'm unapologetic; I prefer putting all my eggs in one basket. Yes, there's that danger of being awfully hurt, and so I do try to protect myself and sometimes it's worse than other times... that fear of that awful pain. But I'm 43, and I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin, and my skin doesn't like to be touched by anybody unless I really know them and I really like them or have crazy chemistry. And if I don't know you or really like you or don't feel crazy chemistry I don't see why I should have sex just for "fun". Ew.

And so I've told the Date over and over that I don't particularly care what he's doing now or how he's living/loving... and I'm not asking questions because I'm not sure I want to know... but if at some point sex comes into this it's gonna be an all-or-nothing thing, and he needs to be sure he can handle that.

So he gave me a foot massage instead. And a back rub. And dutifully tried to fit his rather long frame on my tiny red couch until I said what the hell... come sleep in my bed. And nothing happened other than some cuddling.

-----end of part one ------

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