...And Some Things Won't Change...

About two weeks ago I got a text from TF asking what the plans were for this spring break. This particular school break hadn't been included in the proposed agreement, in part because it's hard to specify when it will happen. TF gets the school newsletter (which he didn't seem to be reading at first, but lately he seems to have discovered it's chock full of important info so now he reads it) so he knew the break was coming.

I didn't answer the text right away. I figured he was mainly trying to show that he knew the break was coming, and I figure he can't come to everything, so I wanted to pull a bunch of dates of things I knew were coming up in The Sun's life, so he could decide what he wanted to be here for.

But time gets away from me, and few days later... maybe even a week but I don't think it was that long... I got the same text again "what are The Sun's plans for spring break?" Only this time he added "(2nd text)". I wrote him back that I wasn't ignoring him, and told him I would try to send him out an email that night (it was Saturday) outlining everything that was coming up.

I sent the following email that night (Saturday):

The week of April 21st
Mon-Tue 4/21-22 - no plans
Wed 4/23 - the Sun is performing with members of his Junior Violin Ensemble at the home of some Benefactor. Parents are not invited; I drop the Sun off at violin at 5p and he won't be picked up until 8P.
Thur 4/24 - the Sun and I have tickets to see "Bowfire" at the Beacon Theatre.
Fri-Sat we are discussing a trip to Philly to visit our cousins.

We have a court date on Friday May 23. While I like to keep the Sun home on Friday nights, I promised you extra time in exchange for me picking him that Sunday night in January when our Passover was ending. So if you'd like to pick the Sun up Friday evening and keep him Sat/Sun, I'm OK with that. I'd like to bring him home first though, because he has his last day of swimming that day in school and will have a lot of stuff to carry. We could meet in Pelham Bay at 6P. Monday the 26th is Memorial Day, and as per our agreement, if you come in on a weekend where there is a holiday that Monday, you are entitled to keep him until Monday. I don't know what my own plans will be that weekend, but I'd like to pick him up at 6P Monday in Pelham Bay, since he does have school on Tuesday, assuming you can take the time.

June X is the yearly all-schools violin concert. It's a very long day for him, and he does have school the next day but if you wanted to come in for the concert and he spent the night with you, I wouldn't be opposed to him missing school[the next day]. He'll be really tired.

Also in June, the Sun goes up for his green belt promotion in Karate. This is kind of a big deal... green is getting into rank. And supposedly there will be lots of Martial Arts masters at this particular promotion. However, I have no idea of the exact date; it hasn't been set yet. The promotions tend to fall around the first or second weeks of the month. It would be great if it were the same weekend as the concert... as soon as I know the date I'll let you know, but they don't often tell us the date until close to the event.

Also, we should start to decide when in July / August you'd like to take him to California. I know your are entitled for two weeks. I have to tell you though, that when I told the Sun he was a little hesitant about two weeks away (though not hesitant about two weeks with YOU... just two weeks away from home). So I was wondering if you'd be willing to spend a week in Cali with him, and the next week in NY, or in reverse. Whichever you decide, I mainly need to know when you think you might want your summer weeks so that when we make our summer plans they won't interfere.

I'm attaching another picture from the tournament he was in last. And this week I will mail off his official school picture to you."

Today I got back the following email:

"First of all i told you ( about 200 times )you may pick-up and drop off the Sun at where i am staying. i will not MEET you anywhere. It brings another smile to my face to see you have made plans,whenever i plan on coming in. i was to have the Sun during Winter recess but he tells me he wants to stay in and sleep instead of seeing me but that had nothing to do with you.
second, you like to keep the Sun home on Friday nights is a straightout lie. In the last 2 years whenever i have called the Sun on Friday it was either he was at your sister's house or he didn't answer the phone (most of the time ). That's your exchange for me to have the Sun on the night i am SUPPOST to have him. please.
In May i am staying till Tuesday the 27th and i am spending that time with the Sun. You like saying 'per agreement' but NOTHING is agreeed upon yet.
I would like to know 2 things from you 1) are you working ? and is it full-time, meaning 5 days,40 hours aweek. 2) are you involved with anyone that is in the Sun's life?"

I haven't answered it yet. In fact, all I did was forward it to lawyer, and asked her to help me respond. In a few days, if I don't hear from her I'll be calm enough to send back a well-planned answer, but tonight...

aaaaaaahhhhh. I'm so tempted to just "go off" but what would be the point?

He told the Sun tonight that he twisted his knee, and cant' really move around, and he doesn't know for how long he'll be laid up. That would explain the testiness of the tone, I guess.

...some things are never going to change...


JRapp97 said…
As much of a PITA TF is (BYW, I LOVE TF and have started using it myself), I'm glad to see that you can at least have some semblance of communication with him. My "sperm donor" and I cannot communicate at all. And that's just sad for my girl.
PS Wish my TF lived on the other side of the country.
onesillymama said…
I have to say, I love that you have this post labeled as both p/o and amused because you may as well laugh, eh?

Your email was so nicely written; you are truly doing the "right thing" which I know is so hard for you. His issues just shine through every time. As to there being no agreement, then doesn't that mean he doesn't have the right to see the Sun at all?
Jacqueline said…
I agree with onesillymama... your email to him was sooooooo nicely written. As I was reading it I was thinking to myself, "Now how is he going to respond to this?" He asks questions but doesn't like the answers he is receiving because he is not in control and he is not calling the shots. He is argumentative [to say the very LEAST] because your plans do not conform to his "plans." I put quotes around that word because it doesn't matter if he has plans or not. He just doesn't want to do what you tell him or ASK him to do. He continues to be contrary in general because things, plans, ideas, etc., are not being carried out "his way." And I know you know what I mean. For him, it is his way or no way. So asking you is futile. Your suggestions are futile. Your requests to meet him and/or for TF to take him certain days and times are futile because TF wants to do what TF wants to do and he does not want to be dictated to. Of course, we *sane* individuals know that you are NOT dictating. You are actually being more than fair to the SUN which is what these communications should reflect. TF makes it all about him - well from his POV he thinks you make it about you - but in reality it is about HIM. Either way... he makes it NOT about the Sun. How many more days until the Sun turns 18yrs old? {and yes, I do mean *days*... as that is what i would be counting at this point in time.}
The Bear Maiden said…
I thank you all for your comments. I post his stuff here cuz it's a reality check... am I over reacting? Cuz sometimes I know I do a little...

JRapp, well, as you know it took YEARS for it to get to this point. For YEARS I wouldn't acknowledge or respond because I knew what I would get back. I care a little bit less than I used to, which is why I can play nice. And also... I have full custody now. I'm not as afraid as I was. And you'll get to that point... that's what everyone told me. And I didn't believe them.

SillyMama, lol, yeah I always say "Laughter Prevents Murder". And you're right... there IS no agreement and I could just play nasty and not agree to anything. And I've been sorely tempted not to agree to anything. But I just want this over, now...

And Jaqueline. Yeah, I'd almost be counting days except it's too much work :) But it's roughly 3,285 days, give or take :)
Fat Lady said…
I thought three things right off.

1. I don't give The Bull that much detail on what Sugar and Spice are doing and I live with him. I am continually amazed at how informative and fair-minded you are with TF.

2. Only an idiot capitalizes words he can't spell.

3. Only a REALLY BIG idiot points out there is no agreement when the lack of an agreement means he's entitled to absolutely nothing.

I could barely even get past the audacity of his questions. What business is any of that of his? Those are questions that are worthy of being completely ignored.

Here's your reality check - that you put up with his nonsense is a huge testament to your love for the Sun. Only the most immense love for your child could make you selfless enough to tolerate this kind of crap with such patience and grace. I'd have cursed him out 30 times over and then would refuse to deal with him at all. I'm always impressed with your restraint in dealing with him.
professor said…
yes fatlady yes...you give way TOOO much information...you have custody and there is NO AGREEMENT...I truly don't understand why you don't send an email and say (cut and paste the following) "you are so right...there is no agreement so I don't legally have to produce 'the sun'"...
as long as you attempt to compromise is as long as this bullshit will continue...you really have custody, and he lives in cali, so you really don't have to play nice anymore...trust me, I've had conversations with the sun, he truly understands...
I had a little boy (four) tell me yesterday that his adoptive mother was a "crazy alien"...he went on to say "I love my dad, but she's crazy"...they know, trust me...and the thing is she looks like an alien and I personally can't stand her...
Nina said…
Wowie! You are being quite fair with someone who won't cooperate to ensure he is able to spend a good amount of time with his child.

You have given him a fair amount of information regarding you and your son's availability. Not that you asked, but I would suggest that you begin to eliminate some of the details you tend to include. If you have plans on a certain night, fine, say that. But you don't have to say exactly what those are. Maybe saying "a show", but not which one--but even that is not necessary. Truely.

And finally, the questions he is asking you are too persoal. He does not actually have to know your schedule, does he? He doesn't have that right, either. He is not your parent. I see he thinks he has found a way to pry into the intimate details of your life. Please do not indulge that! You have to keep something for yourself. Just you. I absolutely know that *you* know that. Just a friendly reminder... :)
The Bear Maiden said…
Yeah, Nina, there's a whole post coming about my mistake in giving him too much info, cuz it blew up. But I'm under the gun on a deadline, and it will have to wait. I will say though, that I love my lawyer. She rocks. But the system sucks.
Anonymous said…
Do we need to have a meeting of the RBB to deal with him again? You have given him the dates that the Sun has something planned as well as days when Sun can miss school. Just remember, that TF is an *insert cuss word here about a donkey* and that it's not YOUR fault that there is no agreement outside of the fact that you have FULL custody and call almost all of the shots. Unlike you and JRAPP, DAD doesn't give a damn about anyone outside of you. He hasn't seen Naruto and Elmo in almost two years. Naruto misses having a dad but doesn't miss HIS DAD. Big difference. I entered a contest about "Why My Dad Is the Greatest" for him because I am his mom and his dad. I don't expect to win but I did it to show that sometimes the best dad is actually a woman. Besides, I do not want a truck. I want a car that is paid off. Gas prices are eating at my soul. You have come a long way since I met you. Unfortunately, TF hasn't. He's a control freak. Control freaks are good abusers, and he's still trying to abuse the Sun through abusing you. As a woman who suffers from bipolar disorder, if I am off my meds by missing one TEENY TINY DOSE, I am a different person who is angry at everyone, including Naruto and Elmo, and everything. He's just a schitzoman, unmedicated which really makes him dangerous. Keep the faith that his wonderful Karma bites him where the sun doesn't shine because it will be one of these days. It might happen after the Sun is 18 and old enough to tell off TF, but it will. Sun's got a full life that I wish I could give to mine. But Cubbies is our violin and karate so it is full. Elmo has his own Cubbie uniform and wears it when he's suffering from Uniform Envy (every Tues night). Keep the faith. Karma will wreak havoc on his *insert donkey body parts here*. You do have a full time job: keeping TF in his place and making sure that the Sun enjoys life.

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