Thursday, May 10, 2007

Yeah, It's Definitely Not a Good Mental Health Day

But the sun is out so I should go out.

I have a head ache. The Sun's school suddenly instituted a new late pass policy, and we were late this morning and I hope he didn't feel too badly about getting one. LilacBlue & company at least warned him on the way up the stairs, but like me, he beats himself up. And it was more my fault than his in getting out on time, since I wasn't able to go to bed last night. I think it was like 4A. Kept falling asleep at the computer, determined to do the things I wanted to do.

My hair is greasy today; I need to go visit my Dominican sisters up in El Barrio. My hair isn't doing the "curly when wet" thing too good these days, so I can't washnwear. I am in desperate need of a pedicure. These things I can do myself, but I never have the time, and have learned to appreciate the minuscule pleasure of having others pamper me. But I'm also broke.

The student loans coming out of my next paycheck are scaring the shit out of me.

I'm feeling decidedly abandoned by Venus, and it's kind of pissing me off. Today, I'm tired of being alone. I may not feel that way later in the week, but today I do.

I have a friend on the Rock, who told me last summer that he discovered the secret to dating; never date anyone crazier than yourself. Seems easy, right? But suppose *you* are the craziest person on the earth... suppose no one is crazier than you, what then???? Last Saturday, as I walked up to the post office, the voices were sneering in my ear: "You think you have it all together, but you don't. Look at you. What are you worth? What do you have? You ain't even that cute." "I am," I protested meekly, "I do OK". It was at that point, that I spied the aforementioned friend, contentedly walking with some local who appears to be his ladyfriend, carrying groceries, looking quite domesticated. Now, I know for a fact that this person is pretty nuts. I thought he was nuttier than me. But the voices pointed out "Look, even *he* has found someone to tolerate him. What does that say about you???"

So I managed to survive that encounter, crossing over to the other side of the street so that I wouldn't have to make polite conversation, and I've made it from Saturday to Thursday without crashing into darkness, but today it's hard.

But I still don't even know what it is that I want. I do know that it's not what I've got.

Well, it's almost 2P (although it seems Blogger has it's own time stamp happening that doesn't coincide with my time) and so I'm going to go out and hope the sunlight makes a difference. The fog has burned off in NYC; maybe it will burn off in my head, as well... Maybe I'll get to draw something.

2 comments:

Nina said...

Oh yes, I am checking on you! LOL

Seriously, you need to abandon those voices with the negative noise. That's you sabotaging yourself. Stop right now! (makes me think of that little musical piece from "Wizard of OZ", "Optimistic Voices".

Read the lyrics:
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/hills/6396/optivoic.htm

And here's why it might be good for you:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Optimistic_Voices

You have the choice how you think of yourself. It takes practice, but you can definitely stop the negative comments in your head.

Of course you're desirable! Just because you haven't found someone compatible, it doesn't mean you're not--it means you're busy!! Goodness gracious, girlie, don't tell yourself all that crap--you're more than okay. Go look in the eyes of those who love you, you'll see. That's where your true reflection can be found (most days, lol).

Now, SING!
You're out of the woods
You're out of the dark
You're out of the night

Step into the sun
Step into the light...


;)

Fat Lady said...

The good part about the voices is that sometimes they say some really profound, life-altering stuff. The bad part of the voices is that because they sometimes say profound, life-altering stuff - we think that that the voices always know what they're talking about. But sometimes the voices are just plain idiots.

Usually when they start putting you down, it's because they're scared.