It's been an interesting week. Mostly filled by The One I Refuse to Call Big Papa. But I still can't think of a better name.
I still don't miss him when he's not around. But I'm getting used to being around him.
And I am amazed... like shake-my-head-at-myself-amazed that I feel toward him the way many men must have felt towards me. I am reluctant to define what we're doing as a "relationship." I don't want to feel owned, or boxed in. It's not that I want to see other people. It's not like I am. I am finally done with the Scrub, in myself. Not that he wasn't done with me long ago... I'm not that much of an idiot. I knew. But I wasn't done and now I am. And Cricket.... at the moment the way I feel about him--he's on the verge of being completely replaced but I am loyal and ride-or-die and I gave my word. But he's dragging his feet on shit and really really really pissing me off. And I am OK admitting to myself things about him now that I wasn't able to admit before:
a.) he is NOT a hustler.
b.) he would never last a second "uptown"
c.) he's a little bit of an elitist which wouldn't be so bad if he backed his shit up.
Not that I don't still have feelings and always will... and I somehow feel our partnership will be OK in the long run. But basically I think he's a pussy. I'd have to protect him if he followed me places I can go and who wants a man like that?
The One I Refuse to Call Big Papa, though... for the first time in a loooooong time I am confident that if got myself in some situation with my fast mouth or bad attitude that he would be able to help me and more importantly wouldn't hold it against me if he had to. He watches me with quiet amusement. He's not afraid to call me on shit. He's not clingy. But he's not distant either.
I asked him the other day "are we in a relationship?" I think the question took him by surprise, pretty much the way the realization that we might actually be in a relationship took me by surprise. I have contemplated "declaring" him, but I'm not ready to yet. I still need to see the Cricket. As in lay-my-eyes-on him, the way I got to lay my eyes on the Scrub.
I laid my eyes on the Scrub today... he said something and I asked him a question about it and he dodged the question. The way he always does. And spontaneously I said "You are such a fucking liar and its a good thing I'm over you."
I need to have a similar experience with Cricket. And I know that may seem a little strange. Afterall... neither of these people were into me the way I was into them, which is something TOIRTCBigPapa pointed out. He wondered why I needed to say anything. "Because I do" I said. "I don't give a shit what they said, I give a shit about what I said."
I also have this deep-seated feeling that before I really accept this man as someone to have a relationship with, he's gonna have to meet SD.
Yeah, I know. But I think I must, because for one thing SD loves his son, and was always very concerned about who would be in his kid's life with any regularity. If he were still in Cali, it wouldn't mean so much.... but he's here now, and I feel he should. And besides... it's kind of insurance.
I have suddenly become aware of the molestation of little boys. It's a much bigger problem than people realize. It's easy to be protective of little girls... but we forget that little boys are still little boys and are just as vulnerable--if not more so--than little girls. Precisely because we forget we need to protect them.
Two things happened that brought this home. The first thing is that while my skinny little boy still looks like a skinny little boy, um, in certain instances he's no skinny little boy. WOW. I hadn't noticed because he bathes himself now.
The second was that one night TOIRTCBigPapa told me how he had been molested by an older boy when he was 12. He was very matter-0f-fact about it. But he was also very frank and descriptive, and the weight of what he was telling me almost crushed me as I lay there listening to him in the dark.
My Sun is 10. He is facing his last year as an elementary school student and at the end of it will be sprung into the world of middle school. He will have the opportunity to be around much bigger boys. And men. And my ability to protect him from strangers and not-so-strangers will be much more reduced. And more often than not, children are molested by people they know. Uncles, cousins, mother's boyfriends. And it's not that I suspect TOIRTCBigPapa would ever do something like this... he is too gentle a soul... but I put nothing past anyone. And it's important to me that he know that should he BE capable of something like this... SD would kill him.
And I mean that literally.
But more than that... this man claims he's here for the "long haul". He knows I want a family. He says he wants the same. But a family encompasses not only mothers and fathers, cousins, sisters and nieces, sons and grandparents, it includes babydaddies and babymamas.
Tonight, TOIRTCBigPapa texted me:
"So, ummmmm jus for clarification, are we official?"
(sheesh. How many times have I asked that???)
"Ummmmmmm. Well I'm not sleeping with anybody but u & I'm not particularly interested in any1 but u... But I don't think I'm ready to make a declaration for the simple fact that it's barely been a month. We are still getting to know each other & getting used to each other in the pursuit of a long-term relationship. And I'm only interested in long-term... & it's worth working towards & I do like u. A lot. But I have a kid & a babydaddy & a whole life that will change... so to me it's worth it to be cautious. Plus I am fucking broke & can barely support myself. I need to correct that, to be able to carry my own weight. It's only fair."
"And you are right to be cautious. I'm broke as well. But cool. Jus needed clarity. After convo las night it was like 'in the air'".
(sheesh, he's girly! What the HELL is wrong with me!?)
"LOL. Usually it's da girl--me--looking for clarity. And the fact that I'm so nervous about this bothers me which is another reason I'm gonna go slow. It could just be previous unpleasant experiences. It could just be that I've only known u a little over a month & wasn't at all expecting u.... Was curious how u felt. & why u feel so sure when I don't. With the exception of high blood pressure" (which he suffers from) "/health issues & no money, ur pretty much what I was looking for. .. but those things aren't "deal breakers" lol lol lol."
(The scary thing? With the exception of not having any money and having high blood pressure, he is pretty much everything I was looking for.)
"LOL ok. You know I want you and I'll pretty much will do about anything to keep you with me... Soooo .... There is no rush, since this is long haul.... I like you cuz of your energy, something positive about you. Every moment with you is a learning experience, it's exciting. And I feel the way I feel cuz... it's what I feel inside. Can't explain it."
(sheesh. This could be interesting. So why I do feel like leaping tall grasses in a single bound with my white tail flashing? Actually I know why. I've been here before. And I should have run...)