I've mostly been in, trying and failing to accomplish things, but then I've been out, too.
Spending some time with the NewDate.
Word to the wise: Be careful what you wish for, cuz you just might get it. You just might have something placed in your path that's all those things you said you wanted. Like God is challenging you: "Now what!? What!? Watchu gonna do!? Huh?"
And then you have to think about it... yeah what ARE you gonna do?
Part of my hesitation on jumping into this thing is flashbacks... last year when I let the Scrub in I was convinced he was it. Well rather I knew he was going to get to me cuz there were certain traits that made me very comfortable. There were other traits that didn't... but I fell anyway.
The only reason I was able to get past the Scrub was a long-lived crush on the Cricket. I could pretty much forget about the Scrub with Cricket, particularly since mentally Cricket and I fly on the same current. But I marvel at how easy it was for me to shut down once I told him how I felt... and he didn't quite feel the same. He didn't have to tell me twice. Cuz my thinking was I'm not going through that shit again, that pain... and I think his reasons were BS but that's just me. But his reasons pissed me off enough so that I was able to turn it off pretty much, with an occasional breakdown.
Then the Scrub resurfaced, and knowing him like I do I know his reasons were mixed and varied but mostly having to do with not wanting people to stay mad at him, not wanting to burn all his bridges in case he needs a "jump-off", and the challenge of sliding back in cuz he thinks he can against the odds. I'm not snowed... I let him back in cuz I needed closure. I needed an ending. But it's not like I believed in a "happy ever after"... not this time... and I wasn't going to let him sway me.
But him being around again reminded me of the things I DID like about him, and I realized yesterday spending worktime with NewDate what some of those things were that...
- I liked the feeling of "familiar" he gave me.
- I liked that he was unafraid to go the places I can go.
- I really liked his private personality. A lot. And I never really liked his public personality that much and while I understood why some folk didn't get my attraction to him or why I fell as hard as I did... anyone who's had any dealings with the very private part of him would understand.
Now NewDate is a strange thing and I'm beginning to feel that panic, the feeling that makes me want to run. Because I find that the things I DO like about him very much remind me of the Scrub:
- I like the "familiar" feeling he gives me.
- I like that he's unafraid to go the places I can go. In fact... he actually goes to places that make me hesitate ever so slightly. And I'm pretty roughneck.
Unlike the Scrub who came on like gangbusters initially, this one is much more methodical. And very patient. I find myself wanting to show him the extreme right away to see how much he can absorb. I find myself retreating, and I find myself being later and less organized than I usually am to see what his reaction is. And so far he just rolls with it.
We tagteam each other pretty well, though. We had a workdate last night. His work requires him to be exceedingly charming with the ladies and I'm not afraid to fade into the woodwork but it amuses me that despite my conflicted feelings about him, I do feel a little pang. Of something. But I also like very much that when the opposite holds true, he doesn't get bent out of shape the way SD used to. He seems to find it amusing.
I like being around him, but then sometimes I have this overwhelming need to go home. Now.
I wonder if I really want what I say I want... I wonder if finally I'm too burnt out to be hopeful. I wonder if he'll win me over. I wonder if he can. And I wonder if he's going to make me forget about the Scrub...