Friday, August 21, 2009

Oddness...

... how I'm feeling about NewDate. I can't even come up with a good name for him. I like him. I'm comfortable around him and confident in his respect for me... but I have not been swept away by desire for him and I'm not even sure I miss him when I'm not around him. But I'm glad to see him when I do.

The other day, Monday, was the first time I actually got annoyed with him. I had to meet a HSPeep on 42nd Street at BBQ's. My whole day was geared to this meeting because it's about singing and it's something I don't get to do that often. But the Sun was home and we went with Shoefly and her BigSister and a friend, plus the Moon and another little boy to the pool in Rockland County. We had a great time, even though poolwater really skeeves me. I went in the water twice; the first time when we had just gotten there and the pool was fairly empty and clean. But by late afternoon the whole world showed up, and the thought of all those people in there spitting and coughing on water just freaked me out and I couldn't stay in the water. No matter how good it felt.

The boys had a great time though, and I got a nice tan. But I began to stress because I knew I had to get home to change and I wasn't in charge of transportation. Then SD texted me that he had to work the next day... which meant the Sun was going to have to come home way early in the morning.

SD got annoyed a little because BigSister wasn't going to make detours to conveniently drop the Sun off at his house. Which would have been nice... except I know from experience that there are folk who are amenable to detours, and there are folk who ain't. BigSister is one who ain't. I felt the old stress of the days when SD would get annoyed because he changed a plan and wouldn't understand why folk weren't thrilled to go out of their way to accommodate him. But I texted him "Look... BigSister is not going to make detours. The Professor might, Shoefly might. But not BigSister and not Mima." So hopefully he'll understand that for the future.

I got home and decided against a shower since I'd rinsed off at the pool, and SD who had gotten there to get the Sun dropped me off at the train station. My HSP was annoyed because everyone but me (who was superlate) and one other HSP had bagged on her but I asked her to wait for me and she did.

We talked a little business but mostly had a great dinner and a drink, sitting in the 2nd floor window of the simply ginormous place:
and marveled at the crowds on a Monday night, talking about men and hopes and dreams and whether or not people should have kids. I look up and it was 10P... and I hadn't heard from NewDate and I got a tad annoyed. Especially since my cellphone battery was dying.

I texted him and he replied to meet him on '25. Which annoyed me some more. But I was OK to meet him there since '25 is my stomping grounds and I'm always comfortable there. But when I got to '25 I was even more annoyed that he was actually on '35 and had really meant for me to meet him there. But he came to get me with his partner and her nephews in the car. Which annoyed me. I accept that she's his partner/sister/brother/friend/ride-0r-die and I accept that she will be part of the relationship and that he drives her car... but at that particular moment it annoyed me that I had to curtail myself till she got out.

He could tell I was annoyed. In fact, I didn't try to hide it. But I decided to be upfront and when he asked I said "I have something to say to you. I am very independent. I CAN travel alone at night but I don't LIKE to travel alone at night." And he said "So next time I'm to meet you where you are, and travel with you."

"Yes."

And that was that. Except I had to bitch at him for a few minutes more about SD, who I realized, had distressed me more than I had initially thought. Our peace is so new... so tenuous. And I am SO afraid that one small flash could blow it all to bits. That my reaction to something he says or does may be overblown... that like two countries in a tenuous peace one of us might accidentally fire a missile and all hell will break loose.

But he held my hand, NewDate, and let me bitch, letting the tension dissipate.

And ugh but I had flashbacks.

I had more flashbacks last night when we hung out in a club. I went to touch base with someone I met last winter with Cricket. Physically NewDate is nothing like the Scrub other than a little bit of height, cuz he's like twice as wide. The name "BigPapa" continually comes to mind but I am SO NOT going to call him that. But I looked at him at one point and it all just hit me and I asked "You're not going to pull some ill shit on me are you? Cuz I can't go through that again." And he assured me that he wasn't.

And later he said he claimed me... he didn't care what I thought or what else I had going on or what "jump-offs" I had or issues I had to resolve... he said I was his and that was all there was to it.

All I said was "OK".

But.

I thought I've heard that shit before... about being claimed. Only to be fair it was in context of "I do what I do but you do me" so I guess it's not quite the same thing. Cuz this one has already informed me he's too old and too tired to do other things. On FB he has already changed his status to "It's Complicated" from "single." I can't change mine yet... or rather reveal it. I can't. Cuz if I do it won't be "complicated." I'm an all-or-nothing chick.

Then it dawned on me this morning talking to CNC that NewDate is the Scrub in about 5 years... if in fact the Scrub is able to overcome himself. And I realized saying that to her that the root of my conflictedness is abject terror. A year ago this month I feared for my sanity and my heart and my hope... and I got through all that shit and now here I am confronted with similar issues. It makes me wonder. Although I have to say that going through all that shit, and then my experience with Cricket has more clearly defined what I want, what I was looking for, what I needed and what my Ultimate Objective was.

When I told NewDate my Ultimate Objective, sitting in the car on Houston Street, all he said was "OK".

I've long wondered what it is that makes a relationship work. It would be pretty ironic, after all these years, that this is all it took...

1 comment:

professor said...

yup sis...that's all it is...honesty and openness and someone who understands and gives it back...