Well, Hell

...I wonder from how far pheromones can be detected. Cuz that thing about "when it rains it pours"...

..and I'm not bragging about the shit cuz experience has taught me that as rainy as the rainy season can get is as dry as the desert the drought can be. So my intention at this moment is to obtain the object of my desire. My Ultimate Objective.

On Saturday the Sun wanted to come home. He missed me... and I missed him though I gave up the opportunity to hang out with the New Date at a gig he was doing. I didn't mind. While there is definitely something about him that I like--a lot--he also has some very familiar traits similar to certain other folk who came to be known as the Scrub. Though unlike the Scrub, the New Date doesn't really seem to buy into the hype. But then again they all talk shit in the beginning and I've already made it clear to him I was interested but I'm not letting go quickly. Not letting go was what saved me from being too hurt about the Cricket. I only make bad mistakes once.

So instead the Sun and I went to my HSPBigSis to view footage of the Reunion Chorus concert we did back in June. It was odd, seeing the footage and watching Mr. Crawford sing... knowing he would be dead eight days later. And then HSPBigSis revealed that earlier that day, he and his boo almost didn't make the concert because he had been unconscious. It was deep... watching and knowing the man was dying.

But it was also something to see how very good we are. And it's something we all want to continue doing so we have to find a way.

Earlier in the day I'd gotten a call from Nene. He and BabyMama broke up finally, this time amicably. He called again as I was standing on the corner waiting for a bus after visiting BigSis. Babymama had taken the son out to PA overnight and he was alone. He was looking for a jump-off.

Which pissed me off. I mean, really. Whatever gave him the thought that he was gonna waltz back in just cuz he's free now???? More than a year and two friends later? I told him you KNOW I don't work like that... and you know if I got one that's the only one I'm sleeping with. He said something else that pissed me off but he's young and dumb and a man and gonna try it... and as a friend I will always have love for him which is the only reason why I didn't tell him off. Plus, I always liked that he was brazen.

...in the meantime, big floppy ten-year-old ears, that were paying more attention than I thought came up to me and asked me who I was sleeping with. I told him none of his business. I asked him if he even really knew what the term meant. He said he did... but he didn't really though he suspected at the connotation and when I told him he blushed. But he still wanted to know. I told him that was grown up business and I wouldn't discuss that with him. He got mad but dropped the subject...

After the bus we made the train back to Pelham Bay Park, and I was on the phone with the Professor complaining about Nene's call, and remarking to her how much I really enjoyed my date. I mentioned I thought he was a little squishier than I like them but it might be something I could get over, depending.

...big floppy ten-year-old ears caught a major attitude. Flounced off the train and refused to walk with me. When pressed he looked close to tears, telling me he couldn't tell me cuz it was "private". He was in genuine distress, so I got off the phone. I grabbed his arm. I told him he had to tell me what was wrong cuz it was obvious something was really bothering him, and I told him I always tried to be honest... that I always told him what I thought was appropriate to know but if something was important to him I would tell him regardless. He started talking and somehow I got that being "squishier"got jumbled up with the "sleeping with" issue and he was FURIOUS. I asked him why: "You won't tell me who you sleep with. I should know!"

"Why is it so important to you that you know?" I asked, genuinely interested, flashing on Freudian theories and Oedipus Complexes and being completely taken by surprise at his ferocity. My kid is rarely ferocious. He's a Pisces.

"Because you're my mother!"


"And it's MY house too, and I should know who's there!"

Well shit, you can't really argue with that.

So as we waited for, and then got on the bus, I explained to him that no, he was getting his issues mixed up and I explained to him about the NewDate. And I told him that it's not really his place to know who I sleep with, however, his concern was valid and appreciated. And I told him that largely, it was for his own protection. I told him I would never be the kind of woman to randomly sleep with people, and I would certainly never bring anyone into the house he DIDN'T know (which is true--I never have) but I may not tell him if that's the one I sleep with.

And I told him why... "You remember how we both got attached to (the Scrub) last summer?" He nodded. "And you remember how hard it was for me afterward when he didn't come around anymore? You shouldn't have seen that. You shouldn't have had to comfort me and take care of me the way you did, it wasn't fair. And you know that the whole time your dad and I were in court, you know nobody came around. And when (the Scrub) came around I hadn't dated in so long I didn't really follow the rules and we both got attached. And it was so hard afterward. And that shouldn't have happened".

And then I told him about Cricket. I told the Sun that the only reason I would explain this to him now was that it was likely as a man he would face the issue himself. Men who don't have kids sometimes get freaked out when they date a woman who does have kids, because they don't want to be the kids father. "YOU know you had a dad, and YOU know no one will ever replace him, but it's not always the case and not every man knows this. And, you still get attached if they're around a lot... it can't be helped." I told him it got hard when Cricket realized that not only was I attached to him, but I think he got a little freaked when he realized the Sun was getting attached to him, as well. Cuz it makes it "real." A "relationship."

And I told him that both his dad and I had decided that we wouldn't really let him meet anyone unless we were serious about them, but I suspect that SD is far more rigorous about that than I am... but on the other hand it's been easier for him to do...

And so I told my Sun that I wasn't going to let him know about random people, but if it gets to the point where I'm serious about someone, he WILL know who they are and I promised him I wouldn't bring people he didn't know into the house...

....though I guess I'm gonna have to keep that promise, now that I think about it. And that could be hard.

But anyway.

He seemed OK with that explanation, and he came home and got in the bed and went to sleep. The kid is almost as tall as I am, now... I can't believe he's at the age where sharing me matters. When I told the Professor the story she laughed and said "thank God I have daughters". It really is an interesting thing...

On Sunday, SD came over and got the Sun. It's amazing how well we're getting along. I'm almost scared. I like him again. And in the oddest of ways I have the Scrub to thank for that; his presence and his ease with the situation last summer is what set the peace in motion, and watching him deal with his babymama sort of struck a chord with me. He knew, SD, that I had a date and even handed me $20 for "mad money". Now who in the hell would have EVER thought that were possible???

I rode downtown to 1849 where Cricket was having a birthday get-together, curious to see if any of his entourage would be there. Not a one of them showed... just me, and about 10 guys, who if they weren't the severest of MacGeeks, were flamingly gay. It was a little odd to be the only chick, but hanging out with guys has never really bothered me. But I was amused/pissed to note the absence of two of the entourage in particular, cuz as far as I'm concerned it was further proof that one of them is someone who is more to him than he's letting on. And he kept texting someone.

So did I... cuz oddly enough there were other places I could have felt more comfortable, and as the night went on I sort of wondered why I was there. And considering the entourage it was a little odd that I was the only chick and it began to bother me more and more. But what the fuck. The promise had been to sing Karaoke so I stuck around till we went over to Botanica Bar. And I realized I wasn't going to make the last bus back to the Rock, and I knew he wasn't going to come home with me (nor did I want him to, due to certain circumstances) and I was fairly certain he wasn't going to ask me home with him either.

There's a lot of things I do, and some of them I do fairly easy and singing happens to be one of them. The sound in the place was "dead" though, and set up weird and it was hard for me to sing over it... seeing as how karaoke is a serious thing for me. But by the end of the night I got warmed up and made my presence known. And it was nice to command attention... particularly from the Cricket.

It was about 3 in the morning, now, and pouring rain outside. Two white girls went outside to dance in the rain; all the guys in the place standing around to watch. I came outside for a minute just to let the rain hit me and wet my hair... but I don't dance in the rain. I went and stood with the guys to watch the girls, and it was the only time I got close to Cricket the whole night. He was tipsy enough to lean on me, and I could feel the weight of him and I missed that... but I didn't let go any more than that.

By now though, I wanted to go home. I was tired of being the only girl. But I couldn't go uptown to wait for the buses, and Cricket wasn't asking me to travel home. Another of the crew had to work at 6A so there wasn't much of a point in him going home... so we walked across Houston to a Remedy Diner.

New York Diners are something--they are always so amazingly ornate and mirrored. And it always amuses me that the ambiance is always a throwback to earlier days of cheap good meals, and yet they tend to be fairly expensive. By now my funds were dwindling rapidly (thanks to a few cheapskates at 1849 who skimped on the group bill) but I had enough for some pancakes which I needed... I'd started the night drinking well vodka tonics, and had graduated to beer. But then the Cricket threw OJ and Amaretto at me and of course by then I was too tipsy to say no... I needed pancakes.

Cricket's friend the GayDR thought about crashing at a friend's place who lived in the area. The kid was out cruising with a friend but when GayDR called they came and met us in the diner; two of the most amazingly flamboyantly gay boys I have seen in a really long time. And I laughed at the crew lounging in the diner waiting for daybreak; me the black chick, the Chinese guy, Cricket, GayDR, the Filipino Gay Kid and the Amazingly Gay Puerto Rican. You gotta love New York nights...

The Chinese guy jumped in a cab home to Queens, the to Gaykids jumped in a cab home, and Cricket and GayDR and I walked over to Bleeker. It was 5A. And by now I was tight cuz Cricket didn't make much of a move to keep me....

...but before I was even home I got a text from him saying he would have felt selfish coming home with me, which I understood, and that his place was a disaster, which I'm sure it is given recent events, but that he'd had a good time and we should get together again. I told him just make the time... but we'll see. They talk a lot of shit when they're drunk.

While I was waiting for the 6:10A bus back to the Rock I'd posted that I was waiting for a bus. And at 9:30 I got a text from the Scrub..."Wake up."
"Why? You're free, now?"

He wanted to know what I was doing waiting for a bus at 6A in the morning.

"...tryna get home since no one with a car was available to help a girl in need, seeing as how people with cars apparently have major obligations these days that prevent their comings and goings. Even tho they're not saying" I wrote back.

He said he was coming up. "Oh, OK" I said. "But I'm sleeping. And I'm out of commission. So if you're OK with that, come on, and bring me half and half." About a half hour later he was there with a cup of coffee. I'm guessing whoever he's shacked up with now has a regular gig and is either OK with an "open relationship" or is snowed into thinking she's got him wrapped.

So we sat on the deck and tanned, him naked, and talked, and then after awhile the heat got to us and I went to lay down. And he slept with me (in the innocent sense) and was as much of a gentleman as he can be capable of. Around 4, he left. I'm guessing wifey gets home at a regular time. He claims he's coming back but I'm annoyed now. But I'm not done just yet...

And there's still something I like about the NewDate, but again... I realized after the Scrub left that there are definitely certain traits they have in common. And I found out later in the evening that my crazyfriend is still trying to hit on him, though even by her accounts he hasn't come up off anything. And she's the kind of chick who's "hit it and quit it" so for him not to have gone for it is a little interesting.

But it's all good in the beginning. The question is to figure out what they're playing for before you play the game...


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