...what have we here...
I never date. For a variety of reasons... 98% of the time it's a complete waste of time and I truly don't see the point. Particularly since it's very hard for me to get out of the house so when I do, I want it to be good.
But I met someone a few weeks ago, sort of random-like as he was hanging out with my crazy friend and he had a very calm energy, despite the fact that he was hanging out with my crazy friend. We also have some interests in common so we FB'd each other. He'd been trying to get me to go out--mainly in the guise of work--but I either couldn't or didn't like the set up so I hadn't, up until the other day. Thursday, the Sun had been with his dad a few days (I miss him horribly but it's not as bad because I know he's in the City AND I know his dad will pick up the phone when I call AND I know if I REALLY miss him his dad will bring him to me...) and the loneliness was killing me and the offer was something I could handle so I said sure...
He suggested a pool hall, and I warned him I suck at it. Like really badly, though I happen to like pool and always dreamed of being a poolshark. He said he sucked at it too, so it seemed fair. So I met him in the area and strike 1.) I'm not a big hugger when I first meet you 2.) it would have been nice if he were SLIGHTLY better dressed but overall... I actually liked him. Easy to talk to, funny, respectful, younger than me (yes, rather vainly this is a huge criteria of mine, I'm coming to realize) but not by as much as usual, intelligent and a little crazy.
As in creative crazy. A definite edge. But we actually agreed on a lot of things and talked about a lot of weird and random things, sort of feeling each other out.
So this is very new to me. I don't date. I usually feel pretty strongly about someone one way or the other when I first meet them, but the night I met him I really wasn't paying attention to him other than noticing his aura of calm watchfulness and it intrigued me enough to want to take a second look. And also... if my heart is currently resting on someone else, I very rarely go out because as dumb as it sounds, it feels like cheating...
But... the Scrub is a hopeless case I think. For a hot minute last summer I knew he was at a crossroads, and I knew he had a chance to go either way... either walk in the light or not. And I really wanted for him to... but I knew I couldn't make him, I could only plead the case for the light. For so long I held on to hope... because I am ever hopeful. Not just for me, but for him cuz I liked him and it would have been nice to see him bloom in the light. I felt he deserved it. But this last drama in his life... I don't think he believes, I don't think he'll fight. And truly it's breaking my heart. I hate cutting people loose... I hate watching them drop into the darkness. But I've seen it happen before, and I know it will again. The other day seeing him, his pain shimmering in the heat I could feel him retreating into the dark and it sucked... but what can you do? You can't bring them out if they don't want to come...
And Cricket. After my date Thursday I had to see him yesterday to conclude some business and hand him an envelope of cash. I thought to myself, you see fucker... you like all the little chicks who speak Spanish to you and suck up to you and tell you how great and awesome you are... but who makes it pay? Who gave their word? Who, despite, the lack of a serious "connection", who knows where you are? And who can still sit and have a beer with you and know we still have shit to drop that will make money... even though it hurt and even though I'm fairly certain... despite what you say... that you're fucking somebody you know you shouldn't be? Me, bitch. That's who. But's it's all good... cuz "Anything you can do, I can do better."
I know people think I'm soft. And I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am intense and I will give you everything and more all up front... and I cry like a baby when it turns to shit--even when I know it's going to but hope it doesn't and it still does--and I hurt like hell. And it takes me a long time to let go. But that's only because I decided to be that way. I decided to try, to hope, to fight for love and believe in the best of people even in the face of reality cuz you know, you never really know. There is always that chance that love will win out... there is always Vegas and sometimes dreams do come true. Sometimes.
But most times they don't and I know this. And there was a time in my life when I shut it all down and I was a good juggler.
Here's something not a lot of people know about me. I'm not a "hoe"... but there are times when I am only loyal to me. I'm a damn good liar, a great manipulator and have no problems with things revolving around me. But I don't think it's healthy. And sometimes you hurt people who don't deserve to be hurt. And I believe wholeheartedly that what goes around comes around, and if you recklessly go out only serving yourself at the cost of others, it will, at some point, come back to bite you in the ass. If you're good at these things, it may take a while... but you certainly get back what you put out and it's got nothing to do with karma. It has to do with magnetism... if you can generate that kind of energy, you can attract that kind of energy and one day it'll find it's way back home to it's base.
I know it, cuz I already lived it. So after all the mess and the drama with SD I decided to always take the high road. And I have a son... I don't want for him to be the kind of man who isn't honest. So I live what I preach. But he hasn't been home lately...
The Cricket looked good. I haven't seen him since June, and he's lost a little weight since then and I still love his eyes but it was odd to be back to the beginning... back where we kissed on the cheek to say hello and I had to grab a hug. And it sucked, a little. He was off to do stuff with other people but he did ask if I was busy Sunday... and I was actually but I'll cancel for him. But I kind of don't expect to hear about it anymore. I think other people will make sure of that.
We parted ways... I was supposed to do something with my HSPs but it got canceled and just to make myself pissed off I texted the Scrub to see if he was around... betting on whether he'd answer. "A simple yes or no will do," I texted. I was surprised a little while later by a response that indicated he wasn't available. 99% of the time my inquiries dissipate into the inky nothingness of microwaves. Now, normally those are the stupid little things--honest responses like that--that give me hope, but yesterday I moved on to #3... who was available. He was working up at club in the Bronx--a part of the Bronx unfamiliar to me but I'm game and I had pants on and flats so what the hell.
When I got up there though, it was black as shit with some long fenced in park-looking area and cars. A tad desolate. I texted him "I'm here, which way?" and he wrote back "East."
"Um... no sense of direction, remember?"
"LOL ok. When you come downstairs you should look for...."
A short time and the wrong way in the dark along a deserted Tremont Avenue later I found my way back to a reasonable starting point and followed his directions:
"So I'm walking IN DA DARK ALONG DA PARK towards da highway? There must be something about you I like."
When I got there he made me laugh by saying he was all excited... "you like me? really?" and I do. But I'm not sure how much. Or for how long. Which again is something new cuz usually I know right away.
I got to watch him work a little bit, he and his partner, and they're a good team and he's very good at what he does and I liked that. And I had to laugh again at myself, and how many very different worlds I can walk through. While earlier in the day with the Cricket I was in HipsterHeaven, SoHo, this was Da BoogieDown where everybody was living the GhettoFabulous life. Or trying to, anyway. And I realized again how extremely important it will be for any man I end up with to be either to walk those worlds with me, or be strong enough to sit back and not be threatened by the fact that I can.
After the job, his partner had some issues to get off and needed to drink around "crazy white boys" so we rode down to the Mercury Bar somewhere in the east 30's. I had two shots of tequila ( I don't like Patron... I think it's way overrated) but I was so tired they really got to me. We watched the end of the Yankee/Red Sox game (sports rivalries are so amusing to me) and afterwards danced a little in the back room. On the way back home I fell asleep... but when we got to the Rock I convinced them to help me look for food and we went down to the Spanish place down the road. Three in the morning, and they were all still there... my scarycrazy friend D was there with his wife, whose birthday it was. The kitchen was closed so all I got was some plantain chips, and still hungry, we went to the Pelham Bay Diner (which is actually at the end of Gunhill Road and not really Pelham Bay).
So... two nights in a row and I still like him. But it's too early to tell if anything there will be strong enough to knock other feelings out of the way. If they are... it could get interesting. And if not... yeah that could be interesting too...