Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The World Is Standing Still

at least it feels like that today. Nothing's moving. Maybe cuz I've been in the house for 3 days? But nothing seems to be moving... not outside, not in blogworld, not in my own mind.

I'm feeling really frustrated today, with love, with ambition, with everything. Getting my shelves up helped, but I'm still not feeling different. Maybe if I fold and put away the HUGE pile of laundry, I'd feel better. Or clear off my desk. Or get a job. I know it's me... there are thousands of things I could be doing but I feel like standing still. Only, I can't really afford to.

Despite every effort to stay uninvolved with Nene, I still am, though only mentally. There's been an awful lot of phone time. But that seems to have ended, largely due to the fact that Mercury is in retrograde and that means communication gets screwed up. As in... his phone is out. I was on the phone with him yesterday when the cable people came and reclaimed all the boxes. It would be funny except it's really not. But I guess I should take that as a sign. And there's no one else on the horizon, though I've looked. I've come back to the conclusion that really, men are full of shit. Especially the ones my age that are single.

But I also realized, in an offline conversation with Ros the other day, that sometimes the only way out the other side is through the fire. I realize I've been trying to protect myself from feeling broken, trying to hold back but it's not working. It still comes down to the fact that I'm an all-or-nothing chick, so there's nothing left for me to do but to give all, get it out of my system and then go "Back to Black". It just doesn't work otherwise. I'll feel broken whether I try and get some things but not everything, or if I don't try at all and kick myself for not trying. So I may as well go for broke. Afterall, it's what I do.

I also know that my time at home is coming to an end. I'm starting to feel the burn. The financial waters are rising quickly. I know that if I gave my all I'd accomplish a lot of things... I'm still trying to figure out why I'm not giving it.

My home is a reflection of how I'm feeling... the shelves helped but everything else is in disarray.... standing still...

3 comments:

Ros said...

Exactly! Holding back doesn't work, it just delays whatever is going to happen.
I'm gonna end up climbing up in the crawl space & finding that painting.

Fat Lady said...

Well, I'm no help to you, clearly. I'm about as blocked as you can get. I'm feeling very trapped these days. And hating the alternatives I see in every direction.

There's no way to step that looks anything like what I want to do with my life.

But if I have faith in anyone finding their way - you're the person I'd lay bets on. You are one of the strongest, most determined people I know. When you make up your mind on what you're doing - it happens.

The Bear Maiden said...

Somehow that made me LOL, maybe because I really don't feel that way. But I thank you for the confidence. And Ros when you dig that picture out... I have to see it. Though maybe I should make my own...