Thursday, August 27, 2009

Well!

It's been an interesting week. Mostly filled by The One I Refuse to Call Big Papa. But I still can't think of a better name.

I still don't miss him when he's not around. But I'm getting used to being around him.

And I am amazed... like shake-my-head-at-myself-amazed that I feel toward him the way many men must have felt towards me. I am reluctant to define what we're doing as a "relationship." I don't want to feel owned, or boxed in. It's not that I want to see other people. It's not like I am. I am finally done with the Scrub, in myself. Not that he wasn't done with me long ago... I'm not that much of an idiot. I knew. But I wasn't done and now I am. And Cricket.... at the moment the way I feel about him--he's on the verge of being completely replaced but I am loyal and ride-or-die and I gave my word. But he's dragging his feet on shit and really really really pissing me off. And I am OK admitting to myself things about him now that I wasn't able to admit before:
a.) he is NOT a hustler.
b.) he would never last a second "uptown"
c.) he's a little bit of an elitist which wouldn't be so bad if he backed his shit up.

Not that I don't still have feelings and always will... and I somehow feel our partnership will be OK in the long run. But basically I think he's a pussy. I'd have to protect him if he followed me places I can go and who wants a man like that?

The One I Refuse to Call Big Papa, though... for the first time in a loooooong time I am confident that if got myself in some situation with my fast mouth or bad attitude that he would be able to help me and more importantly wouldn't hold it against me if he had to. He watches me with quiet amusement. He's not afraid to call me on shit. He's not clingy. But he's not distant either.

I asked him the other day "are we in a relationship?" I think the question took him by surprise, pretty much the way the realization that we might actually be in a relationship took me by surprise. I have contemplated "declaring" him, but I'm not ready to yet. I still need to see the Cricket. As in lay-my-eyes-on him, the way I got to lay my eyes on the Scrub.

I laid my eyes on the Scrub today... he said something and I asked him a question about it and he dodged the question. The way he always does. And spontaneously I said "You are such a fucking liar and its a good thing I'm over you."

I need to have a similar experience with Cricket. And I know that may seem a little strange. Afterall... neither of these people were into me the way I was into them, which is something TOIRTCBigPapa pointed out. He wondered why I needed to say anything. "Because I do" I said. "I don't give a shit what they said, I give a shit about what I said."

I also have this deep-seated feeling that before I really accept this man as someone to have a relationship with, he's gonna have to meet SD.

Huh? What?

Yeah, I know. But I think I must, because for one thing SD loves his son, and was always very concerned about who would be in his kid's life with any regularity. If he were still in Cali, it wouldn't mean so much.... but he's here now, and I feel he should. And besides... it's kind of insurance.

I have suddenly become aware of the molestation of little boys. It's a much bigger problem than people realize. It's easy to be protective of little girls... but we forget that little boys are still little boys and are just as vulnerable--if not more so--than little girls. Precisely because we forget we need to protect them.

Two things happened that brought this home. The first thing is that while my skinny little boy still looks like a skinny little boy, um, in certain instances he's no skinny little boy. WOW. I hadn't noticed because he bathes himself now.

The second was that one night TOIRTCBigPapa told me how he had been molested by an older boy when he was 12. He was very matter-0f-fact about it. But he was also very frank and descriptive, and the weight of what he was telling me almost crushed me as I lay there listening to him in the dark.

My Sun is 10. He is facing his last year as an elementary school student and at the end of it will be sprung into the world of middle school. He will have the opportunity to be around much bigger boys. And men. And my ability to protect him from strangers and not-so-strangers will be much more reduced. And more often than not, children are molested by people they know. Uncles, cousins, mother's boyfriends. And it's not that I suspect TOIRTCBigPapa would ever do something like this... he is too gentle a soul... but I put nothing past anyone. And it's important to me that he know that should he BE capable of something like this... SD would kill him.

And I mean that literally.

But more than that... this man claims he's here for the "long haul". He knows I want a family. He says he wants the same. But a family encompasses not only mothers and fathers, cousins, sisters and nieces, sons and grandparents, it includes babydaddies and babymamas.

Tonight, TOIRTCBigPapa texted me:

"So, ummmmm jus for clarification, are we official?"

(sheesh. How many times have I asked that???)

"Ummmmmmm. Well I'm not sleeping with anybody but u & I'm not particularly interested in any1 but u... But I don't think I'm ready to make a declaration for the simple fact that it's barely been a month. We are still getting to know each other & getting used to each other in the pursuit of a long-term relationship. And I'm only interested in long-term... & it's worth working towards & I do like u. A lot. But I have a kid & a babydaddy & a whole life that will change... so to me it's worth it to be cautious. Plus I am fucking broke & can barely support myself. I need to correct that, to be able to carry my own weight. It's only fair."

"And you are right to be cautious. I'm broke as well. But cool. Jus needed clarity. After convo las night it was like 'in the air'".

(sheesh, he's girly! What the HELL is wrong with me!?)

"LOL. Usually it's da girl--me--looking for clarity. And the fact that I'm so nervous about this bothers me which is another reason I'm gonna go slow. It could just be previous unpleasant experiences. It could just be that I've only known u a little over a month & wasn't at all expecting u.... Was curious how u felt. & why u feel so sure when I don't. With the exception of high blood pressure" (which he suffers from) "/health issues & no money, ur pretty much what I was looking for. .. but those things aren't "deal breakers" lol lol lol."

(The scary thing? With the exception of not having any money and having high blood pressure, he is pretty much everything I was looking for.)

"LOL ok. You know I want you and I'll pretty much will do about anything to keep you with me... Soooo .... There is no rush, since this is long haul.... I like you cuz of your energy, something positive about you. Every moment with you is a learning experience, it's exciting. And I feel the way I feel cuz... it's what I feel inside. Can't explain it."

(sheesh. This could be interesting. So why I do feel like leaping tall grasses in a single bound with my white tail flashing? Actually I know why. I've been here before. And I should have run...)

Friday, August 21, 2009

Oddness...

... how I'm feeling about NewDate. I can't even come up with a good name for him. I like him. I'm comfortable around him and confident in his respect for me... but I have not been swept away by desire for him and I'm not even sure I miss him when I'm not around him. But I'm glad to see him when I do.

The other day, Monday, was the first time I actually got annoyed with him. I had to meet a HSPeep on 42nd Street at BBQ's. My whole day was geared to this meeting because it's about singing and it's something I don't get to do that often. But the Sun was home and we went with Shoefly and her BigSister and a friend, plus the Moon and another little boy to the pool in Rockland County. We had a great time, even though poolwater really skeeves me. I went in the water twice; the first time when we had just gotten there and the pool was fairly empty and clean. But by late afternoon the whole world showed up, and the thought of all those people in there spitting and coughing on water just freaked me out and I couldn't stay in the water. No matter how good it felt.

The boys had a great time though, and I got a nice tan. But I began to stress because I knew I had to get home to change and I wasn't in charge of transportation. Then SD texted me that he had to work the next day... which meant the Sun was going to have to come home way early in the morning.

SD got annoyed a little because BigSister wasn't going to make detours to conveniently drop the Sun off at his house. Which would have been nice... except I know from experience that there are folk who are amenable to detours, and there are folk who ain't. BigSister is one who ain't. I felt the old stress of the days when SD would get annoyed because he changed a plan and wouldn't understand why folk weren't thrilled to go out of their way to accommodate him. But I texted him "Look... BigSister is not going to make detours. The Professor might, Shoefly might. But not BigSister and not Mima." So hopefully he'll understand that for the future.

I got home and decided against a shower since I'd rinsed off at the pool, and SD who had gotten there to get the Sun dropped me off at the train station. My HSP was annoyed because everyone but me (who was superlate) and one other HSP had bagged on her but I asked her to wait for me and she did.

We talked a little business but mostly had a great dinner and a drink, sitting in the 2nd floor window of the simply ginormous place:
and marveled at the crowds on a Monday night, talking about men and hopes and dreams and whether or not people should have kids. I look up and it was 10P... and I hadn't heard from NewDate and I got a tad annoyed. Especially since my cellphone battery was dying.

I texted him and he replied to meet him on '25. Which annoyed me some more. But I was OK to meet him there since '25 is my stomping grounds and I'm always comfortable there. But when I got to '25 I was even more annoyed that he was actually on '35 and had really meant for me to meet him there. But he came to get me with his partner and her nephews in the car. Which annoyed me. I accept that she's his partner/sister/brother/friend/ride-0r-die and I accept that she will be part of the relationship and that he drives her car... but at that particular moment it annoyed me that I had to curtail myself till she got out.

He could tell I was annoyed. In fact, I didn't try to hide it. But I decided to be upfront and when he asked I said "I have something to say to you. I am very independent. I CAN travel alone at night but I don't LIKE to travel alone at night." And he said "So next time I'm to meet you where you are, and travel with you."

"Yes."

And that was that. Except I had to bitch at him for a few minutes more about SD, who I realized, had distressed me more than I had initially thought. Our peace is so new... so tenuous. And I am SO afraid that one small flash could blow it all to bits. That my reaction to something he says or does may be overblown... that like two countries in a tenuous peace one of us might accidentally fire a missile and all hell will break loose.

But he held my hand, NewDate, and let me bitch, letting the tension dissipate.

And ugh but I had flashbacks.

I had more flashbacks last night when we hung out in a club. I went to touch base with someone I met last winter with Cricket. Physically NewDate is nothing like the Scrub other than a little bit of height, cuz he's like twice as wide. The name "BigPapa" continually comes to mind but I am SO NOT going to call him that. But I looked at him at one point and it all just hit me and I asked "You're not going to pull some ill shit on me are you? Cuz I can't go through that again." And he assured me that he wasn't.

And later he said he claimed me... he didn't care what I thought or what else I had going on or what "jump-offs" I had or issues I had to resolve... he said I was his and that was all there was to it.

All I said was "OK".

But.

I thought I've heard that shit before... about being claimed. Only to be fair it was in context of "I do what I do but you do me" so I guess it's not quite the same thing. Cuz this one has already informed me he's too old and too tired to do other things. On FB he has already changed his status to "It's Complicated" from "single." I can't change mine yet... or rather reveal it. I can't. Cuz if I do it won't be "complicated." I'm an all-or-nothing chick.

Then it dawned on me this morning talking to CNC that NewDate is the Scrub in about 5 years... if in fact the Scrub is able to overcome himself. And I realized saying that to her that the root of my conflictedness is abject terror. A year ago this month I feared for my sanity and my heart and my hope... and I got through all that shit and now here I am confronted with similar issues. It makes me wonder. Although I have to say that going through all that shit, and then my experience with Cricket has more clearly defined what I want, what I was looking for, what I needed and what my Ultimate Objective was.

When I told NewDate my Ultimate Objective, sitting in the car on Houston Street, all he said was "OK".

I've long wondered what it is that makes a relationship work. It would be pretty ironic, after all these years, that this is all it took...

Sunday, August 16, 2009

But Then Again....

... I don't have it all figured out or clear but I know one thing for sure:

dating sucks and I hate it.

I realized the other day that I don't think I've ever gone out with or developed a relationship with someone I met out of the blue. I've always either met someone through a friend and hung out for a bit, or worked with them, or went to school with them. So this thing with NewDate is making me really jumpy. I also realized yesterday when he and his sidekick stopped by (nice chick... mostly gay but sometimes not and very fragile... but I like her) that he is about as intense as I am but undercover.

I'm not sure I like that.

It also makes me sorry for the guys I have dealt with... probrecito. I'm sorry.

What happened? I'm an idiot... and I need things clearly defined in my own head. I know the world is full of grey... but I need black and white lines so I can operate in the grey. So I wrote Cricket (cuz I write him) to tell him what was going on... and to remind him that we have this project that I want/need/have to keep working on. And that was our promise to each other--that no matter what we'd do this. And I realized, writing him, that I missed him. I miss the chatter, the buzz... but I haven't heard back from him and that in itself speaks volumes. Actions speak louder than words. How disappointing.

And today I don't care much about the Scrub I realized... something fairly awful happened to him the other day, and he's OK but knowing him he'll retreat someplace and not answer anyone but babymama and that gets annoying.

And NewDate... I like him and he's fun but for some reason I feel a little boxed in today. Don't know why.

And right this second I just feel like hanging out with my girlfriends but no one's around. Probably cuz I haven't been.

Blech.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Dang

... the week flew by.

I've mostly been in, trying and failing to accomplish things, but then I've been out, too.

Spending some time with the NewDate.

Word to the wise: Be careful what you wish for, cuz you just might get it. You just might have something placed in your path that's all those things you said you wanted. Like God is challenging you: "Now what!? What!? Watchu gonna do!? Huh?"

And then you have to think about it... yeah what ARE you gonna do?

Part of my hesitation on jumping into this thing is flashbacks... last year when I let the Scrub in I was convinced he was it. Well rather I knew he was going to get to me cuz there were certain traits that made me very comfortable. There were other traits that didn't... but I fell anyway.

The only reason I was able to get past the Scrub was a long-lived crush on the Cricket. I could pretty much forget about the Scrub with Cricket, particularly since mentally Cricket and I fly on the same current. But I marvel at how easy it was for me to shut down once I told him how I felt... and he didn't quite feel the same. He didn't have to tell me twice. Cuz my thinking was I'm not going through that shit again, that pain... and I think his reasons were BS but that's just me. But his reasons pissed me off enough so that I was able to turn it off pretty much, with an occasional breakdown.

Then the Scrub resurfaced, and knowing him like I do I know his reasons were mixed and varied but mostly having to do with not wanting people to stay mad at him, not wanting to burn all his bridges in case he needs a "jump-off", and the challenge of sliding back in cuz he thinks he can against the odds. I'm not snowed... I let him back in cuz I needed closure. I needed an ending. But it's not like I believed in a "happy ever after"... not this time... and I wasn't going to let him sway me.

But him being around again reminded me of the things I DID like about him, and I realized yesterday spending worktime with NewDate what some of those things were that...
  • I liked the feeling of "familiar" he gave me.
  • I liked that he was unafraid to go the places I can go.
  • I really liked his private personality. A lot. And I never really liked his public personality that much and while I understood why some folk didn't get my attraction to him or why I fell as hard as I did... anyone who's had any dealings with the very private part of him would understand.
But despite the things I liked about him there were several things that disturbed me... but love makes you overlook a lot of shit. I mean, it's kind of the point of love. You have to be tolerant of the big picture.

Now NewDate is a strange thing and I'm beginning to feel that panic, the feeling that makes me want to run. Because I find that the things I DO like about him very much remind me of the Scrub:
  • I like the "familiar" feeling he gives me.
  • I like that he's unafraid to go the places I can go. In fact... he actually goes to places that make me hesitate ever so slightly. And I'm pretty roughneck.
But oddly enough, I like his public personality. The private one kind of scares me. It scares me because he's unafraid to show it to me.

Unlike the Scrub who came on like gangbusters initially, this one is much more methodical. And very patient. I find myself wanting to show him the extreme right away to see how much he can absorb. I find myself retreating, and I find myself being later and less organized than I usually am to see what his reaction is. And so far he just rolls with it.

We tagteam each other pretty well, though. We had a workdate last night. His work requires him to be exceedingly charming with the ladies and I'm not afraid to fade into the woodwork but it amuses me that despite my conflicted feelings about him, I do feel a little pang. Of something. But I also like very much that when the opposite holds true, he doesn't get bent out of shape the way SD used to. He seems to find it amusing.

I like being around him, but then sometimes I have this overwhelming need to go home. Now.

I wonder if I really want what I say I want... I wonder if finally I'm too burnt out to be hopeful. I wonder if he'll win me over. I wonder if he can. And I wonder if he's going to make me forget about the Scrub...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Thanking God and George Soros

...for small miracles.

I get $131 dollars a month in food stamps (it was about $120 until Obama increased it... that was the first miracle) and usually they're gone in one sitting. So I hate going to the local supermarket out on the Rock cuz the prices are a little higher than they are off-Rock and I get more for my money that way.

I was sitting around trying to figure out the order of the day, when the Sun called. He was in the car with his Dah on their way to Target. I said I really needed to go, and SD agreed to come pick me up.

Wow, first of all.

Secondly, I was running slightly over-budget for the $50 I had at Target, but SD picked up the whole tab. Wow. It was actually a pleasant trip... and then he said he didn't mind taking me to Key Food to go food shopping. It helps when I get a ride cuz then I can buy all the heavy stuff like juice and seltzer water and not carry it home in the heat on the bus. Which I do when I have to....

Food bill was about $140, plus the few non-food items I needed which right away wiped out the Foodstamp balance. And then the cashier said to her friend "OH, she got it!" and pointed out that my card had a cash balance of $200. It was a special grant she said, for people with kids. She also said I had to go get it today, and it was sort of a random thing. Key food doesn't give cash back if you use an EBT card, so I had to go to the check cashing place. Of course, the machine was down.

So SD drove me to the other check cashing place further down the street where I joined the line of about 20 women who had all heard about the grant the same way... word of mouth or on their supermarket receipt. While on line I googled "$200 grant for Food Stamps" and found out that it wasn't the government that did it... it was George Soros. Billionaire financier and philanthropist, he usually makes grants outside of the U.S., but given the economy he did something for the people of NY. He donated money so that the state would give a $200 grant for each kid aged 3-17 in a family for back-to-school supplies. And at the time I googled it, about 3 or 4P, there was very little news out there. As I write this, at 7:30P, it's all over the Internet.

There were all kinds of rumors floating; you had to pick it up today or lose it, you had to get it by 5P... I'm not sure if those rumors are true, but quite honestly I got damn teary-eyed learning that this was inspired by one man. Whatever his reasons... the result is that a random act of kindness by one person positively affected several thousand people. The woman on line in front of me had triplets, resulting in a grant of $600. She went to the very next window at the check-cashing place and bought a $500 money order for her kids tuition. My grant will cover the automatic debit out of my empty bank account for the Sun's NY Saves college fund, and my life insurance. The rest? I'll buy him some clothes for school, because otherwise I would have had to rely solely on SD. So in case you read this and then read nasty comments about people using the money for other things, the BearMaiden can personally vouch for the fact that most of the women on that line were going to use it for it's intended purpose. And all of us were grateful. I made sure to tell those on line who George Soros was, and what he did. And when I got home, yes I did write a "thank you" email...

Can you just imagine??? I'm speechless.

...and now I'm off to a date with NewDate...

Monday, August 10, 2009

Well, Hell

...I wonder from how far pheromones can be detected. Cuz that thing about "when it rains it pours"...

..and I'm not bragging about the shit cuz experience has taught me that as rainy as the rainy season can get is as dry as the desert the drought can be. So my intention at this moment is to obtain the object of my desire. My Ultimate Objective.

On Saturday the Sun wanted to come home. He missed me... and I missed him though I gave up the opportunity to hang out with the New Date at a gig he was doing. I didn't mind. While there is definitely something about him that I like--a lot--he also has some very familiar traits similar to certain other folk who came to be known as the Scrub. Though unlike the Scrub, the New Date doesn't really seem to buy into the hype. But then again they all talk shit in the beginning and I've already made it clear to him I was interested but I'm not letting go quickly. Not letting go was what saved me from being too hurt about the Cricket. I only make bad mistakes once.

So instead the Sun and I went to my HSPBigSis to view footage of the Reunion Chorus concert we did back in June. It was odd, seeing the footage and watching Mr. Crawford sing... knowing he would be dead eight days later. And then HSPBigSis revealed that earlier that day, he and his boo almost didn't make the concert because he had been unconscious. It was deep... watching and knowing the man was dying.

But it was also something to see how very good we are. And it's something we all want to continue doing so we have to find a way.

Earlier in the day I'd gotten a call from Nene. He and BabyMama broke up finally, this time amicably. He called again as I was standing on the corner waiting for a bus after visiting BigSis. Babymama had taken the son out to PA overnight and he was alone. He was looking for a jump-off.

Which pissed me off. I mean, really. Whatever gave him the thought that he was gonna waltz back in just cuz he's free now???? More than a year and two friends later? I told him you KNOW I don't work like that... and you know if I got one that's the only one I'm sleeping with. He said something else that pissed me off but he's young and dumb and a man and gonna try it... and as a friend I will always have love for him which is the only reason why I didn't tell him off. Plus, I always liked that he was brazen.

...in the meantime, big floppy ten-year-old ears, that were paying more attention than I thought came up to me and asked me who I was sleeping with. I told him none of his business. I asked him if he even really knew what the term meant. He said he did... but he didn't really though he suspected at the connotation and when I told him he blushed. But he still wanted to know. I told him that was grown up business and I wouldn't discuss that with him. He got mad but dropped the subject...

After the bus we made the train back to Pelham Bay Park, and I was on the phone with the Professor complaining about Nene's call, and remarking to her how much I really enjoyed my date. I mentioned I thought he was a little squishier than I like them but it might be something I could get over, depending.

...big floppy ten-year-old ears caught a major attitude. Flounced off the train and refused to walk with me. When pressed he looked close to tears, telling me he couldn't tell me cuz it was "private". He was in genuine distress, so I got off the phone. I grabbed his arm. I told him he had to tell me what was wrong cuz it was obvious something was really bothering him, and I told him I always tried to be honest... that I always told him what I thought was appropriate to know but if something was important to him I would tell him regardless. He started talking and somehow I got that being "squishier"got jumbled up with the "sleeping with" issue and he was FURIOUS. I asked him why: "You won't tell me who you sleep with. I should know!"

"Why is it so important to you that you know?" I asked, genuinely interested, flashing on Freudian theories and Oedipus Complexes and being completely taken by surprise at his ferocity. My kid is rarely ferocious. He's a Pisces.

"Because you're my mother!"

"But..."

"And it's MY house too, and I should know who's there!"

Well shit, you can't really argue with that.

So as we waited for, and then got on the bus, I explained to him that no, he was getting his issues mixed up and I explained to him about the NewDate. And I told him that it's not really his place to know who I sleep with, however, his concern was valid and appreciated. And I told him that largely, it was for his own protection. I told him I would never be the kind of woman to randomly sleep with people, and I would certainly never bring anyone into the house he DIDN'T know (which is true--I never have) but I may not tell him if that's the one I sleep with.

And I told him why... "You remember how we both got attached to (the Scrub) last summer?" He nodded. "And you remember how hard it was for me afterward when he didn't come around anymore? You shouldn't have seen that. You shouldn't have had to comfort me and take care of me the way you did, it wasn't fair. And you know that the whole time your dad and I were in court, you know nobody came around. And when (the Scrub) came around I hadn't dated in so long I didn't really follow the rules and we both got attached. And it was so hard afterward. And that shouldn't have happened".

And then I told him about Cricket. I told the Sun that the only reason I would explain this to him now was that it was likely as a man he would face the issue himself. Men who don't have kids sometimes get freaked out when they date a woman who does have kids, because they don't want to be the kids father. "YOU know you had a dad, and YOU know no one will ever replace him, but it's not always the case and not every man knows this. And, you still get attached if they're around a lot... it can't be helped." I told him it got hard when Cricket realized that not only was I attached to him, but I think he got a little freaked when he realized the Sun was getting attached to him, as well. Cuz it makes it "real." A "relationship."

And I told him that both his dad and I had decided that we wouldn't really let him meet anyone unless we were serious about them, but I suspect that SD is far more rigorous about that than I am... but on the other hand it's been easier for him to do...

And so I told my Sun that I wasn't going to let him know about random people, but if it gets to the point where I'm serious about someone, he WILL know who they are and I promised him I wouldn't bring people he didn't know into the house...

....though I guess I'm gonna have to keep that promise, now that I think about it. And that could be hard.

But anyway.

He seemed OK with that explanation, and he came home and got in the bed and went to sleep. The kid is almost as tall as I am, now... I can't believe he's at the age where sharing me matters. When I told the Professor the story she laughed and said "thank God I have daughters". It really is an interesting thing...

On Sunday, SD came over and got the Sun. It's amazing how well we're getting along. I'm almost scared. I like him again. And in the oddest of ways I have the Scrub to thank for that; his presence and his ease with the situation last summer is what set the peace in motion, and watching him deal with his babymama sort of struck a chord with me. He knew, SD, that I had a date and even handed me $20 for "mad money". Now who in the hell would have EVER thought that were possible???

I rode downtown to 1849 where Cricket was having a birthday get-together, curious to see if any of his entourage would be there. Not a one of them showed... just me, and about 10 guys, who if they weren't the severest of MacGeeks, were flamingly gay. It was a little odd to be the only chick, but hanging out with guys has never really bothered me. But I was amused/pissed to note the absence of two of the entourage in particular, cuz as far as I'm concerned it was further proof that one of them is someone who is more to him than he's letting on. And he kept texting someone.

So did I... cuz oddly enough there were other places I could have felt more comfortable, and as the night went on I sort of wondered why I was there. And considering the entourage it was a little odd that I was the only chick and it began to bother me more and more. But what the fuck. The promise had been to sing Karaoke so I stuck around till we went over to Botanica Bar. And I realized I wasn't going to make the last bus back to the Rock, and I knew he wasn't going to come home with me (nor did I want him to, due to certain circumstances) and I was fairly certain he wasn't going to ask me home with him either.

There's a lot of things I do, and some of them I do fairly easy and singing happens to be one of them. The sound in the place was "dead" though, and set up weird and it was hard for me to sing over it... seeing as how karaoke is a serious thing for me. But by the end of the night I got warmed up and made my presence known. And it was nice to command attention... particularly from the Cricket.

It was about 3 in the morning, now, and pouring rain outside. Two white girls went outside to dance in the rain; all the guys in the place standing around to watch. I came outside for a minute just to let the rain hit me and wet my hair... but I don't dance in the rain. I went and stood with the guys to watch the girls, and it was the only time I got close to Cricket the whole night. He was tipsy enough to lean on me, and I could feel the weight of him and I missed that... but I didn't let go any more than that.

By now though, I wanted to go home. I was tired of being the only girl. But I couldn't go uptown to wait for the buses, and Cricket wasn't asking me to travel home. Another of the crew had to work at 6A so there wasn't much of a point in him going home... so we walked across Houston to a Remedy Diner.

New York Diners are something--they are always so amazingly ornate and mirrored. And it always amuses me that the ambiance is always a throwback to earlier days of cheap good meals, and yet they tend to be fairly expensive. By now my funds were dwindling rapidly (thanks to a few cheapskates at 1849 who skimped on the group bill) but I had enough for some pancakes which I needed... I'd started the night drinking well vodka tonics, and had graduated to beer. But then the Cricket threw OJ and Amaretto at me and of course by then I was too tipsy to say no... I needed pancakes.

Cricket's friend the GayDR thought about crashing at a friend's place who lived in the area. The kid was out cruising with a friend but when GayDR called they came and met us in the diner; two of the most amazingly flamboyantly gay boys I have seen in a really long time. And I laughed at the crew lounging in the diner waiting for daybreak; me the black chick, the Chinese guy, Cricket, GayDR, the Filipino Gay Kid and the Amazingly Gay Puerto Rican. You gotta love New York nights...

The Chinese guy jumped in a cab home to Queens, the to Gaykids jumped in a cab home, and Cricket and GayDR and I walked over to Bleeker. It was 5A. And by now I was tight cuz Cricket didn't make much of a move to keep me....

...but before I was even home I got a text from him saying he would have felt selfish coming home with me, which I understood, and that his place was a disaster, which I'm sure it is given recent events, but that he'd had a good time and we should get together again. I told him just make the time... but we'll see. They talk a lot of shit when they're drunk.

While I was waiting for the 6:10A bus back to the Rock I'd posted that I was waiting for a bus. And at 9:30 I got a text from the Scrub..."Wake up."
"Why? You're free, now?"

He wanted to know what I was doing waiting for a bus at 6A in the morning.

"...tryna get home since no one with a car was available to help a girl in need, seeing as how people with cars apparently have major obligations these days that prevent their comings and goings. Even tho they're not saying" I wrote back.

He said he was coming up. "Oh, OK" I said. "But I'm sleeping. And I'm out of commission. So if you're OK with that, come on, and bring me half and half." About a half hour later he was there with a cup of coffee. I'm guessing whoever he's shacked up with now has a regular gig and is either OK with an "open relationship" or is snowed into thinking she's got him wrapped.

So we sat on the deck and tanned, him naked, and talked, and then after awhile the heat got to us and I went to lay down. And he slept with me (in the innocent sense) and was as much of a gentleman as he can be capable of. Around 4, he left. I'm guessing wifey gets home at a regular time. He claims he's coming back but I'm annoyed now. But I'm not done just yet...

And there's still something I like about the NewDate, but again... I realized after the Scrub left that there are definitely certain traits they have in common. And I found out later in the evening that my crazyfriend is still trying to hit on him, though even by her accounts he hasn't come up off anything. And she's the kind of chick who's "hit it and quit it" so for him not to have gone for it is a little interesting.

But it's all good in the beginning. The question is to figure out what they're playing for before you play the game...

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Well, well....

...what have we here...

a date.

I never date. For a variety of reasons... 98% of the time it's a complete waste of time and I truly don't see the point. Particularly since it's very hard for me to get out of the house so when I do, I want it to be good.

But I met someone a few weeks ago, sort of random-like as he was hanging out with my crazy friend and he had a very calm energy, despite the fact that he was hanging out with my crazy friend. We also have some interests in common so we FB'd each other. He'd been trying to get me to go out--mainly in the guise of work--but I either couldn't or didn't like the set up so I hadn't, up until the other day. Thursday, the Sun had been with his dad a few days (I miss him horribly but it's not as bad because I know he's in the City AND I know his dad will pick up the phone when I call AND I know if I REALLY miss him his dad will bring him to me...) and the loneliness was killing me and the offer was something I could handle so I said sure...

He suggested a pool hall, and I warned him I suck at it. Like really badly, though I happen to like pool and always dreamed of being a poolshark. He said he sucked at it too, so it seemed fair. So I met him in the area and strike 1.) I'm not a big hugger when I first meet you 2.) it would have been nice if he were SLIGHTLY better dressed but overall... I actually liked him. Easy to talk to, funny, respectful, younger than me (yes, rather vainly this is a huge criteria of mine, I'm coming to realize) but not by as much as usual, intelligent and a little crazy.

As in creative crazy. A definite edge. But we actually agreed on a lot of things and talked about a lot of weird and random things, sort of feeling each other out.

So this is very new to me. I don't date. I usually feel pretty strongly about someone one way or the other when I first meet them, but the night I met him I really wasn't paying attention to him other than noticing his aura of calm watchfulness and it intrigued me enough to want to take a second look. And also... if my heart is currently resting on someone else, I very rarely go out because as dumb as it sounds, it feels like cheating...

But... the Scrub is a hopeless case I think. For a hot minute last summer I knew he was at a crossroads, and I knew he had a chance to go either way... either walk in the light or not. And I really wanted for him to... but I knew I couldn't make him, I could only plead the case for the light. For so long I held on to hope... because I am ever hopeful. Not just for me, but for him cuz I liked him and it would have been nice to see him bloom in the light. I felt he deserved it. But this last drama in his life... I don't think he believes, I don't think he'll fight. And truly it's breaking my heart. I hate cutting people loose... I hate watching them drop into the darkness. But I've seen it happen before, and I know it will again. The other day seeing him, his pain shimmering in the heat I could feel him retreating into the dark and it sucked... but what can you do? You can't bring them out if they don't want to come...

And Cricket. After my date Thursday I had to see him yesterday to conclude some business and hand him an envelope of cash. I thought to myself, you see fucker... you like all the little chicks who speak Spanish to you and suck up to you and tell you how great and awesome you are... but who makes it pay? Who gave their word? Who, despite, the lack of a serious "connection", who knows where you are? And who can still sit and have a beer with you and know we still have shit to drop that will make money... even though it hurt and even though I'm fairly certain... despite what you say... that you're fucking somebody you know you shouldn't be? Me, bitch. That's who. But's it's all good... cuz "Anything you can do, I can do better."

I know people think I'm soft. And I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am intense and I will give you everything and more all up front... and I cry like a baby when it turns to shit--even when I know it's going to but hope it doesn't and it still does--and I hurt like hell. And it takes me a long time to let go. But that's only because I decided to be that way. I decided to try, to hope, to fight for love and believe in the best of people even in the face of reality cuz you know, you never really know. There is always that chance that love will win out... there is always Vegas and sometimes dreams do come true. Sometimes.

But most times they don't and I know this. And there was a time in my life when I shut it all down and I was a good juggler.

Here's something not a lot of people know about me. I'm not a "hoe"... but there are times when I am only loyal to me. I'm a damn good liar, a great manipulator and have no problems with things revolving around me. But I don't think it's healthy. And sometimes you hurt people who don't deserve to be hurt. And I believe wholeheartedly that what goes around comes around, and if you recklessly go out only serving yourself at the cost of others, it will, at some point, come back to bite you in the ass. If you're good at these things, it may take a while... but you certainly get back what you put out and it's got nothing to do with karma. It has to do with magnetism... if you can generate that kind of energy, you can attract that kind of energy and one day it'll find it's way back home to it's base.

I know it, cuz I already lived it. So after all the mess and the drama with SD I decided to always take the high road. And I have a son... I don't want for him to be the kind of man who isn't honest. So I live what I preach. But he hasn't been home lately...

The Cricket looked good. I haven't seen him since June, and he's lost a little weight since then and I still love his eyes but it was odd to be back to the beginning... back where we kissed on the cheek to say hello and I had to grab a hug. And it sucked, a little. He was off to do stuff with other people but he did ask if I was busy Sunday... and I was actually but I'll cancel for him. But I kind of don't expect to hear about it anymore. I think other people will make sure of that.

We parted ways... I was supposed to do something with my HSPs but it got canceled and just to make myself pissed off I texted the Scrub to see if he was around... betting on whether he'd answer. "A simple yes or no will do," I texted. I was surprised a little while later by a response that indicated he wasn't available. 99% of the time my inquiries dissipate into the inky nothingness of microwaves. Now, normally those are the stupid little things--honest responses like that--that give me hope, but yesterday I moved on to #3... who was available. He was working up at club in the Bronx--a part of the Bronx unfamiliar to me but I'm game and I had pants on and flats so what the hell.

When I got up there though, it was black as shit with some long fenced in park-looking area and cars. A tad desolate. I texted him "I'm here, which way?" and he wrote back "East."
"Um... no sense of direction, remember?"
"LOL ok. When you come downstairs you should look for...."

A short time and the wrong way in the dark along a deserted Tremont Avenue later I found my way back to a reasonable starting point and followed his directions:
"So I'm walking IN DA DARK ALONG DA PARK towards da highway? There must be something about you I like."

When I got there he made me laugh by saying he was all excited... "you like me? really?" and I do. But I'm not sure how much. Or for how long. Which again is something new cuz usually I know right away.

I got to watch him work a little bit, he and his partner, and they're a good team and he's very good at what he does and I liked that. And I had to laugh again at myself, and how many very different worlds I can walk through. While earlier in the day with the Cricket I was in HipsterHeaven, SoHo, this was Da BoogieDown where everybody was living the GhettoFabulous life. Or trying to, anyway. And I realized again how extremely important it will be for any man I end up with to be either to walk those worlds with me, or be strong enough to sit back and not be threatened by the fact that I can.

After the job, his partner had some issues to get off and needed to drink around "crazy white boys" so we rode down to the Mercury Bar somewhere in the east 30's. I had two shots of tequila ( I don't like Patron... I think it's way overrated) but I was so tired they really got to me. We watched the end of the Yankee/Red Sox game (sports rivalries are so amusing to me) and afterwards danced a little in the back room. On the way back home I fell asleep... but when we got to the Rock I convinced them to help me look for food and we went down to the Spanish place down the road. Three in the morning, and they were all still there... my scarycrazy friend D was there with his wife, whose birthday it was. The kitchen was closed so all I got was some plantain chips, and still hungry, we went to the Pelham Bay Diner (which is actually at the end of Gunhill Road and not really Pelham Bay).

So... two nights in a row and I still like him. But it's too early to tell if anything there will be strong enough to knock other feelings out of the way. If they are... it could get interesting. And if not... yeah that could be interesting too...

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Silence

...doesn't mean "inactivity". Especially not in my case.

It usually means there's so much rattling around in my head I haven't been able to distill it enough to get it into words. So I've been "silent" since July 31 but it's because I needed to breathe.

Jay Smooth over at Illdoctrine has this exercise he does--"The Morning Pages"--based on Julia Cameron's "The Artist Way." He was trying to do it visually with his video blogs. And I thought of that often last month as I was writing every day. It's kind of ironic, too, since Cameron is--or was--a friend of Poppy's. It's one of those things that makes me chuckle... a "Six-Degrees-of-Separation" type thing. But I digress.

The point is, the concept of "Morning Pages" is pretty interesting and I thought about the concept a lot last month as I was writing every day. But I found that for me, especially near the end of the month, writing every day gave me less room to think, to ruminate. Cuz I needed to get stuff out, rather than focus on the content.

For instance, I didn't really get to delve into how much I got out of the Sun's String camp. And I still can't cuz it's the kind of thing I really need to turn over in my head a good few times before I figure out where it's taking me. But I got a lot out of it, in a very profound way. The concepts that DBR--in particular--threw out in some of his classes were WAY over some people's heads, particularly the kids that seemed to gravitate towards him. And I know they gravitated to him cuz he's youngish and contemporary and very energetic. But watching him teach was interesting and I took note of several things, one being the way certain kids were a lot more "familiar" with him than they were with other teachers. Almost to the point of being disrespectful. And I have a theory about that but it's not something I can really throw out there without a lot of thought and I'm still too tired to think.

Then at one session he'd done a demonstration based on musical notation. He threw out a random series of numbers based on 1 - 5, with "rests" (for the non-musical a "rest" is an interval of silence in piece of music) interspersed. He then had the class clap the number of times indicated... something like this:

5 3 4 2 R
1 5 R 3 2 ...etc...

... the idea being that you clap 5 times, then 3, then 4, then 2, then NO clapping for one beat (the "rest") then once, then 5 times, etc.

And then he split the class up and had half the people start from the bottom of the "score" and the other half from the top of the score at the same time and it was way cool that they always ended at the same time. DBR had said earlier in the week that numbers meant a lot to him and there's a mathematical thing in there somewhere that I can "feel" the understanding of but can't explain. Cuz math ain't never been my thing... which is why I sucked at theory in high school.

But the most interesting thing to me about the whole demonstration were the "rests". Those moments of silence. Up on the project blog I'd written about words and lines and silences and then sitting in his class that day chaperoning the Sun, I was taken back to that thought. The thought of silence, and how very powerful a silence--a "rest"--can be.

So I wasn't purposefully silent these last few days, it just happened that way. And in the written rest an awful lot happened.

One being that the Scrub's pain almost did me in except that by now I've learned when a pain isn't mine and so it doesn't overcome me as much anymore. In fact, less and less. Which is amazingly freeing, by the way. The last time I wrote, I wrote how I'd had a dream about him. And the freaky thing is that that turned out to be the first of three nights in a row, which almost NEVER happens with me. The second night (well, morning really since I don't go to bed till then) the pain was so intense that I woke myself up, expecting to be in tears. But as soon as I opened my eyes the pain and the intensity disappeared.

Then he came to visit the other day. And the pain coming off of him shimmered in the heat.

And I am the Comfort Doll...

which kind of sucks but somehow this time not really.

Because "rests" are what make the music more powerful, that second in which you take a breath, that pause before you speak or act... And I had a minute to think before I made a decision and in that minute I realized (again) how I make mountains out of molehills and how sometimes my own expectations do me in.

So on the one hand, I know exactly what I want out out of life and I'm not losing sight of that or giving up on it just yet, but on the other hand I have to be cognizant of the fact that I cannot project my "wants" onto a situation. Yes, I know. From the outside it's very easy to say. But from the inside... not so much.

I am still an all-or-nothing chick. And since I know that with the Scrub there is no such thing as "all" and there is no point in wishing for an "all" that inner core will give up nothing this go round.

Cuz then there's still the Cricket, which is one big "rest" right now, but it's kind of the space between the time the conductor taps on the music stand and raises his hand and the music begins....

...cuz I feel like things are about to start again, in some form or fashion. And since I never gave my "all" I'm still mad at him and disappointed but I'm not "done". I'm mad at him for a very specific reason but it's his own hang up and not mine. And I know our project is going to move both of us somewhere, though I don't know in which direction or where we'll end up, and I still LOVE that whenever we intersect it's always at the right spot. One of my HighSchoolPeeps is a pastor and she'd written me that at one of our chorus rehearsals she had seen a blessing coming for me. She never said what it was, or when I'd get it. And of course, the kind of "blessing" that I want is the kind of thing that makes you want to keep asking "well, now? Can I have it now? Is this it? Or this?" but I somehow knew she meant business-wise and not THAT-wise (*sigh*). But the other day, Sunday, she wrote me to say she still saw my blessing coming and this time she actually said "the business." And I believe her cuz she's the kind of chick you believe. People with long curly fingernails are not to be trifled with or doubted.

And then over the weekend I went to a high school reunion barbecue. We were all set to meet in a park in New Rochelle but the heavens opened up that morning and poured buckets of rain. My HSPs are an intrepid bunch, and enough of them had showed up at the appointed place in the pouring rain to warrant moving the party someplace else. My place was suggested... but I freely admit the thought of all those people traipsing through my house gave me palpitations. (Plus I also freely admit there are some people who I love but from a distance and don't really want them traipsing through my house.) But then I felt bad about it since I'm closer to New Rochelle than other people, and offered to let them come here but thankfully it had been decided to move the party to Harlem.

The ironic thing was that the house we ended up in was my old ride-or-die's on 120th. It turns out there are six brothers and sisters who grew up in that house--4 girls and 2 boys--four of whom went to M&A. So it was fitting that we ended up there, and we had a blast. The Sun stayed and had a good time but at some point he called his dad and his father rolled up with his cousin and took him with them. Which was great cuz it left me to hang and eat and drink without guilt. And then the sun came out. A highlight was that someone I was really tight with my freshman year turned up. And I got to tell her why we stopped hanging out, which was that at the time she was in love with this kid (a senior and a pretty well-known graffiti writer) who I thought was extremely disrespectful of her and it pissed me off. I hated watching what he did to her. I guess that was the very beginnings of me feeling other people's pain, and I hate seeing people I care about be in pain. In the past I would drop the person because I'd get mad that they couldn't let go of the thing that caused them pain but time has given me a lot more understanding of how that works... and now I just feel it without really having to fix it. But I was really happy to see her again.

Afterwards I got a ride home that was sort of a "getting to know you/maybe get something going" but eh. I'm kind of in a "rest". Well, sort of...