Thursday, February 5, 2009

Just...

holding on.

Lots happening but not... a lot's moving but standing still.

The friendship with the Fabulous took an interesting turn over the weekend... for me, I'm more convinced than ever of what he is, but you know these things need to go both ways and I'm not entirely sure they do. And so I'm trying to accept it for what it IS, in it's entirety and current actuality, and not let hopes and dreams and psychoses get the best of me. One breakdown in a 12 month period is quite enough, thank you.

But... I remember once, way early in our friendship when we were just hanging out, driving around the city... five years ago. I'd had to meet the family in Times Square at the Diva's school for one of her dance shows, and he'd dropped me off. I remember watching him drive off thinking how much I hadn't wanted the day to end, feeling sunbursts in my head. At the time, he had a girlfriend, and I was dealing with SD and hadn't yet extricated myself. The war hadn't started yet but I could feel storm clouds gathering and I knew it was gonna be hell. And the Fabulous was such a ray of brightness in all that storm, and I hadn't wanted to drag him into my dark. So I let him go.

He ended up dating several other women, and we stayed in touch off and on finally losing touch at some point... till he popped up on Crackbook in August. And he always has the same effect on me. Whenever I'm around him I feel like rainbows exploding. Incredibly corny but really true.

Maybe I should just leave it alone. Except we work Fabulously together and things are starting to flow. So I guess I'm stuck.

Maybe I'll date somebody else so I won't care as much.

Grrr.

The Fabulous is a bright spot in an otherwise very overwhelming existence... another reason I'm not so anxious to drag him into my hell. SD lost his job... and has some other ish going on and needs to file for a reduction in child support. At least he called me to tell me in advance... and I can't really fight him cuz I know it's tough for everyone. And once we got the child support rolling he never really fought me. But it's stressing me the fuck out. Cuz it was the last tangible, steady income I had.

I should have been a stay-at-home mom. I wrote about that a little over a year ago; looking over it just now I decided it still held true. It's my major malfunction in life. I mean for real... raising a kid is a full-time job in itself. Especially one you have to take to various activities. Generally my coupled friends trade-off on the shuffling duties, especially when there is more than one kid and more than one activity. And they still look stressed. And it's not frivolous... really, the time you spend shuffling your kid around can amount to a lifetime activity. Or at least some kind of enrichment.

Take violin. The Sun got a free trip to DC and some TV interviews out of it. He's got an audition at Opus next week, with the other members of the ensemble to see if they can play a song at the composer's (breakneck) speed when he debuts the piece at Avery Fisher Hall in a few weeks. And it seems he and the ensemble will also be playing the National Anthem at Knicks game fairly soon.

I tell the Sun that like it or not, violin is his ticket to college. Because he's going. I won't allow him to make the same mistake I did, to think that I could function without a four year degree. And I can't afford to send him. We were in Lincoln Center last weekend ( the kids were doing a fundraiser for Opus at the Barnes and Noble there) and I showed him the new Julliard building that's going up. I told him if he didn't go to Berkley in Cali, that that's where he's going.

Either there, or the University at Bridgeport's Japanese/Martial Arts program.

And today I was presented with the vague opportunity of at least an introduction to an extremely prestigious private school.... just into time to avoid the horror that is NYC public Middle School.

But these things require me being there... require me taking him to practice, require me being home and functioning to make sure he practices at home. In addition there's the ordinary child-rearing stuff like cooking and housework and laundry. And my trade... but there aren't enough hours in the day to add in "full-time job". There just isn't. There isn't enough time as it is.

I don't know. Somehow it seems people do it; they succeed at it. You hear stories of heroic single parents who do all this and more, and truthfully I feel like I'm failing miserably.

I borrowed money to pay back rent, but I'm already behind again. And not by much, but I got a mildly nasty letter in the mail yesterday from the landlord. So I sent her one today... I just don't have it in me for a phone call.

And Poppy's not feeling well. His back hurts and it's not going away. He says he's fighting but it's slow. He's not himself. He's driving my mother crazy. She's driving him crazy. Yesterday she called and I was down anyhow, stressing about SD and she was telling me what's going on. She needed to say it... I needed to hear it said because I want to know. But we hung up and I cried. Because they're helping me out... helping the Diva out (and that's a whole other rant) and we should be the ones right now to ease it for them. And all I can do right now is listen.

I am so fucking tired of living this shit on my own. I am. But I'm afraid to get involved with anyone because I'm so needy and it's so not fair... and even if I thought the Fabulous thought as highly of me as I do of him, how could I drag anybody into this now? And so I hold back a little.

Which reminds me SD is talking about coming back. I knew he would; I knew it was coming. I know he thinks my friendliness is an invitation. And I don't mind being friendly because it's easier than warring and it's good for the Sun. But I just can't go any further than that. But it's not that easy to keep him at bay. It never was. It's a little like feeling hunted.

But then at the end of yesterday I spent like 4 hours on the phone... listening while my friend worked fabulously, trading ideas. He's the first person I have met in FOREVER who can actually out last me. I actually start falling asleep on him. It makes me feel good that I do.

But.... first things first. I have to bring in some income. So I'm gonna stay up a bit and see what I can accomplish. But I had to get this shit off my chest cuz the voices are back...

3 comments:

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

how will u stop the rainbows from exploding is my question

The Bear Maiden said...

LOL Torrance. That's just the fucken problem. I can't.

carmensknittingzen said...

well put blanket over them for awhile focus focus focus.... Hee hee