I'm not in a bad place, though.
I'm actually in a pretty good place. An odd place... a "jumping off" place though I'm not exactly sure where I'm jumping off too. Coiled, pressurized, ready to spring up, gathering force. But not quite ready to be released.
The thing is though, that what is actually winding the spring is something of a dilemma that I haven't quite solved yet. I'm a structure-builder. I need to know a path and an order to things before I embark on something, because even if I deviate from the path, or the order deconstructs, I need to know there was a framework in there somewhere. A roadmap... so that I can climb back on once I've found my legs again.
But this time I'm not quite sure what the path is. Or rather... there are three possibles and I'm not sure which one I should embark on. I'm not even sure how I feel about that... that I don't know. There have been times when I felt a certain way about a thing or person, and didn't mind flinging myself headlong out into the space of it even if I knew I was going to burn on re-entry. There have been times when I knew I had to go through it to get out the other side. But this time... I don't know. I haven't even allowed myself to think past the little tip of ice on a placid and serene surface to the huge chunk of ice underneath.
All I know is...
- Andrea Bocelli makes me cry.
- If I think it, it comes back in a drawing.
- It's been nice to write to someone rather than shouting into the wind.
- I haven't felt beholden to someone, to create something or to stay on track, in a while. And I do, now.
SD and I have had some pretty long conversations, too, over the past few nights. Half of it scares me cuz I know he's lonely out there, and scared and stressed... and I'm familiar. I'm the Comfort Doll. I had to cut the conversation short last night because I didn't want him to think I only wanted to talk... in fact I had only called him so that he could clarify something for me. And I wanted to IM the Fabulous and didn't want to be distracted.
But it was hard getting him off the phone. The other night though, SD made me laugh by making a remark about the court case. It reminded me a.) how very well I know him b.) that I was absolutely right in fighting him as long and as hard as I did c.) he HAD to be beaten or he was never going to respect me d.) he knew what he was doing e.) he's nowhere near as dumb as he lets people think. He's not sophisticated... but he's not dumb.
But we made an agreement that for now, we weren't going to discuss court. And that in 15 - 20 years, when our Sun is older, we will sit together at his wedding and laugh our asses off.
But for now it's much too soon...
And while I have your attention: please say a prayer for Poppy. He needs to stop hurting. Thanks.