...type stuff, free flowing...
I guess I'll just jump in midstream. I've been having issues with the season. And I don't keep Christmas per say, and I don't mind that I don't keep Christmas but it's weird when you don't officially keep Christmas.
Cuz the party season amps up, people drink more, there's that whole buying frenzy thing, and then the day itself where the world stays still. And if you don't really have anything to hold on to, it can be kind of lonely.
So my biggest problem is giving up my kid for Christmas this year. And SD and I are getting along famously well, and I actually remember why I liked him to begin with but I hate having to share my kid with him. I guess it's better than sharing my entire life with him, because that just wouldn't work. And I don't mind that the Sun is going there or that he'll be celebrating his first real Christmas ever... but I do mind that the Sun won't be here. Especially on New Years. The Sun isn't back until 1/2.
So then the other part of that was that I have to take the Sun out to Cali. And that brought up a whole host of emotional bullshit in me, most of it centering on what went down the last time I flew out there. So then I had to admit to myself that while for the most part I'm good, and I can be around Tomcat without having to hold on to myself too tightly, and can even exchange a few pleasantries there's still shit I'm not over.
And then I had the occasion to be in the same room with him for a holiday party and I was good with it all until the very end. It didn't help that I got the big blow off from Fabulous that night, either. And then I drank too much. Not as much as I drank last night, however... and I didn't do anything or say anything that night (or last night) that I wouldn't have done or said normally... and I guess I'm thankful God was looking out for me, the way he does fools and babies, cuz maybe I might have gotten into something that really wasn't going to be good for me.
I live my life with a policy of "No Regrets" cuz I think "regret" is a useless emotion... but there are certainly times when had I thought something through I may have done things differently, so I guess I'm glad I didn't have that opportunity. But the next day I cried all fucking day. Not for loss, per se... and not for the person either, but just cuz. And I realized I was still sad about the whole thing, and that I REALLY wasn't looking forward to the flight to LA.
But... I got over it pretty much. Life goes on. And for the most part, I really am OK. For the most part I'm coming back to where I was before SD, before the Sun... but a little older and a little wiser and a hell of a lot broker.
I was hellafraid, though, of booking my flight back. I put it off till the last minute. I was afraid of the prices (not that I'm paying... Poppy is), afraid of not getting a flight, afraid of maybe having to go out to Vegas to get a cheap flight back, afraid of having to stay in Vegas...as much as I LOVE Auntie I just didn't want to be there for Christmas. And I felt guilty about that cuz it would actually be fun... but I'm not there yet. And it sucked having to ask Poppy to shell out money on the credit card. But I found a reasonably cheap flight (considering the season and the lastminuteness) out of an airport pretty close to SD's apartment, and it gave me enough time to come see his apartment, maybe grab a shower and something to eat before I fly back.
Now the thing about visiting the apartment. Who knew that I would ever even contemplate that??? Certainly not I. I was prepared to war with SD for the rest of my days... and honestly, had I not gone out with the Tomcat in the summer and had that whole adventure, I really think our peace would still be minimal. So there is definitely good that came out of that trip. Tomcat has an ease with children and crazy people and his presence smoothed over a lot of shit. What happened afterwards God knows I could have done without but hell. Life sucks.
But back to the visit.
I guess SD knew I was procrastinating about booking my trip back, and so last Tuesday or so he texted me that if I needed to stay overnight in LA, I could stay with him and the Sun. And somehow, I KNEW that offer was coming. I diplomatically replied that I would consider the offer if I needed to, but that was all I said. It actually had the effect of putting the fire under my ass to find a flight, cuz I really didn't want to stay with him.
But, the next day he called and rather hesitantly launched into a conversation that he didn't want me to think that he was trying to get back with me... it's just he wanted to make the offer in the spirit of peace, in the spirit of letting the Sun know that both his parents can get along. And then he said that he knew there had been a lot of crap. He knew he'd said and done a lot of things, and that he couldn't take it back. That he just wanted to move on.
And while I still have my suspicions, I decided to take him at his word, and I told him as much. And I told him that quite honestly, I just want to come home. I really need to be home and that I was going to try very hard to get home that same day.
But then what he said next floored me. He said "I know I left you at the hospital that time... and that would never happen again".
For him... that was tantamount to him begging my forgiveness.
Because that night... the night he left me at the hospital was the night I declared war on him.
It was spring. A few days before was the Pratt show, and me hanging out with Fabulous at the Museum. And me deciding that the only way to be free from SD was to fight it out, and I knew it would suck but I knew it was the only way. And I knew that SD was gearing up to fight me on the length of a Memorial Day visit, and I knew that I was going to have to take him on.
A few days before, or maybe even earlier in the day, the Sun and I walked through the park and he had been consumed by mosquitoes. The Sun is EXTREMELY allergic to mosquito bites... they swell, they weep, they get really gross looking. When SD came to pick him up, the bites were pretty bad but they hadn't reached the zenith of nastiness, but I guess they did while the Sun was with SD. And he began to freak out. He called me and said he was going to take the Sun to the ER. I told him they were only mosquito bites; I told him what to do. He wouldn't listen. I said fine... if you're going to take him to the ER, come get me and we'll go together to one in the Bronx. I went downstairs to wait, expecting him to come within 2o minutes. It's an emergency right?
Wrong. SD kept me waiting over an hour, and when I went upstairs to call and find out why, he hadn't even left the house yet. And was extremely nasty. So another hour went by and he finally got to me, saying we were going to go the ER in the city where the Sun's pediatrician was. I told him that was dumb. It was 10 o' clock on a holiday weekend, the bites weren't THAT serious, but if they were, why would we go all the way downtown???? And that's when I knew that the only reason he wanted to take the Sun in was because at that time, he was looking for evidence that I was a bad mom. And it didn't help that on the way through the park, in the dark, he was menacing and threatening to slap me, and said he wanted to throw me out of the car. At one point he said he didn't want to look at me, get in the back seat. And I was so afraid he'd actually leave me there in the park that I left his front door WIDE OPEN while I crawled into the back, so that he couldn't pull off and leave.
And mind you the whole time the Sun is wide awake, stressed, and sitting in the car seat.
We got to the ER and because he'd told the triage nurse "pus" and "sores" on the face, they had us come in right away. Of course, there WAS no pus and they weren't sores, merely bites.
Now the thing I hate about doctors, interns in particular is that sometimes they are so busy looking for the great "catch" or "save" that they overlook the obvious. It pisses me the fuck off. I kept trying to tell them I was in the park with him when he got bit... his regular doc KNEW he was allergic to bites, but they kept whispering shit about "bed bugs" and "infestations" and SD was feeding into it all. I was FURIOUS. But to make a scene wasn't going to help me...cuz they were all white, and SD was "white", and the kid has these weeping bumps all over him and they weren't listening to shit I had to say.
But at the end of it, the Sun wasn't running a temperature and there was no pus only plasma, and even though they scratched their heads and claimed bewilderment, they let us go.
It was about midnight by now. And SD was mightily annoyed that he hadn't gotten any satisfaction from the visit... not even a prescription. So he grabbed the Sun's hand and told me to get home the best I could... he wasn't going to take me. I could have gotten as far as the end of the subway ride, cuz I had a metrocard on me, but the buses to the Rock stop running at a certain point and so the only option was a cab. And I had no money on me, and no wallet cuz I'd run out of the house for the "emergency". I asked SD for cabfare, and he refused. He took my kid and walked away, telling me he'd bring the Sun home when he felt like it.
I called my parents and told them what had happened, and that I had to stay with them overnight till the buses started again. And as I lay down there and tried to sleep I vowed that I would take that fucker on no matter what... and I would beat him down.
And there was more after that... that weekend was the longest of my life, culminating in me having to go up to Yonkers with the police to get my kid, and then me hiding in my apartment the next day and then the Tuesday after Memorial Day going to Family Court and filing for an Order of Protection. And the rest is history.
That weekend came up during the testimony, but other than that I haven't harped on it as the beginning of the battle. Certainly not to him. Matter of fact, we haven't really discussed the War at all, and I don't feel the need to. We both know what happened. So for him to bring it up the other day was pretty big. I still have my suspicions... and not for nothing but SD was always pretty good at apologizing. It's one of the reasons I got sucked in for so long. His apologies were always heartfelt, always sincere, sometimes tearful... but on the other hand, considering the length of the war, and the fact that he didn't outright say "I'm sorry" sort of makes me take it another way.
So even though I made sure to find my ass a plane ride home, I was happy that the window of time allowed for me to go home with them to visit where he leaves. But briefly. And then I come home...
So I'm feeling slightly better about the trip at least. I'm still not looking to certain things, but on the other hand there's a lot I can do to occupy my time... like clean up, organize, corral Fabulous into doing some work (cuz despite the fact I don't think anything other than work will happen, I still think he's Fabulous), and get ready for a new year.
I guess I'm getting past the boiling internal anger. I'm not boiling mad at SD anymore. I can think about the Hospital Incident and still be mad at the moment, but it doesn't carry over. I can be boiling mad at the fact that I'm still single, but I'm figuring out how to deal with that. I think the thing is, the biggest part of it is that I'm not afraid or ashamed to be angry. I'm pissed about stuff but I have a right to be, and one day... like with SD, a resolution will come of all this. Maybe not something I anticipated or planned for... but there will be one. I just have to be patient and take the ride...
Which reminds me I should write about the train ride I took the other day in which I told off a bunch of rambunctious teenagers, but I'm gonna save that for another post.