Tuesday, March 25, 2008

¡Carajo!

I'm not good--decidedly not good--at getting involved with people.

There's something about meeting people that makes me want to hide. It's weird. It's not that I'm particularly anti-social because I can be very social. But for me, being social is like putting on clothes. Sometimes I want to get dressed... sometimes I want to walk around my house in my jammies and not see anybody. Sometimes I have a desire to be done up and FABULOUS!, but most times it's jeans and t-shirts for me.

I get along best with people who have the opportunity to grow on me slowly. Very slowly. If Lilac Blue reads this, she'll laugh, cuz when I first met her she sort of ran up on me like a puppy, and attached herself to me and it made me extremely uncomfortable. White Horse too, but to a lesser degree. But Lilac Blue in particular, all of a sudden she was THERE. But she never invaded my personal space and so after a time I got used to her and now I'm really used to her and look around for her when she's gone.

Same thing with ShoeFly. And now I love her cuz it's rare I actually call her (even though she lives down the block) but no matter what's going on, she keeps track of me. I'm used to it now.

Beautiful Hair... we go through phases where we're joined at the hip, and then other times we barely speak. But she's the one who made me aware of my discomfort at being touched or kissed "hello". We'd been friends for years... and one day she leaned in to kiss me on my cheek, and I must have flinched because she laughed... "You always flinch! but you're my friend and I've known you for years now and I'm GOING to kiss you!" But I swear... each and every time she does it, I am acutely aware that she's kissing me hello. And I've known her almost 20 years now. You'da thunk I'm used to it by now. And what's worse is that every time someone else kisses me hello, I think of her teasing me about it.

Now the Fat Lady... even though we met in real life in our kids school, for some reason she invited me to join an email list, and we got along great in emailworld before that bond extended to real life. And now I can't do without her (even though I haven't seen her in a few days... I've just been sort of draggin' due to various things). And I've a few friends I met online that I keep track of online but have become real life friends. But online friendships work because you usually have some time to get to know someone really well before it spills over to the realworld.

Now with men. I realized that the only men I have ever really fallen for are men I have worked with in some capacity. Every one. Why? Because generally while you meet men you work with on some project or another, and there's always that little "woof?" (ears up/tail wag) because men are like that, men are very focused and pretty soon you get to work on whatever project it is, and that's that. And there may always be a little "playfulness" but most times, it's work.

With some though, there gets to be more tailwagging and cavorting, but they get to see my little quirks on a daily basis, and if they don't run screaming into the night and avoid me, and the little "woof" begins to be more like "WOOF!" and well... you know how puppies are....then getting to be friends with men is easy. And it's much easier for me to fall in love with a man I'm friends with than it is for me to be attracted to someone I've just met. But at the same time... I can always remember that first little "woof", and remember that there was a difference in that particular "woof" as opposed other ones. I know it sounds crazy, but there you have it. I've never said I was normal.

With Nene it's not that I worked with him but we got to see each other on frequent basis... on good days and bad days and days in between, so it was sort of the same principle.

But I don't do well on "dates" or "blind dates" because it's as if the "set-up" is there to put things in motion and it's just not a setting I'm comfortable in. It makes me want to hide.

And I HATE when I hang out or meet someone once... and you get "the vibe". He can be a perfectly nice guy, but the instant "WOOF!" thing freaks me out.

I don't know why that is.

So the Opportunity to Pursue presented itself.... and I swear it felt like an instant "WOOF!" and now all I want to do is hide.

It makes me miss Nene all the more even though I've pretty much walked away from that.

Argh.

4 comments:

Fat Lady said...

I knew had stuff in common and could be friends. But I also knew/know that I can be pretty lazy/shy/hesitant about cultivating friendships in person. I think I somehow knew we needed to be friends and figured online friends was better than not at all.

I remember realizing, too that you and lilacblue were becoming friends before I really got to know either one of you well. One of the first times the three of us hung out talking outside of school. And I thought - wow - I wish I had the energy/confidence to pursue friendships like that!

And I'm amazed, really continually amazed, by how important our friendship is to me - I tend not to need people in my life - am happy if they're there and ok if they're not. I'm not used to feeling uncomfortable if I don't talk to a friend for a few days - like I am now that it's been a week since we last hung out.

I understand you on the dating thing, too. Other than my ex-husband, I've tended to "fall" for the men I least expected to even like because I'm most likely to be myself with men I'm not attracted to. And it's easier to really get into someone I can be myself with.

Dating is awkward and unnatural. I guess it's one of the reasons I'm still with the Bull. I can't see me being bothered with looking to meet men and date. And my life is such that eligible, single men never cross my path naturally. Hell, I can't remember the last time I spoke to an unmarried man.

The one thing I'm not with you on is the physical affection thing. I love being in physical contact with all the people I care about. That's toned down since having kids - only because between the two of them there's so little time in any given day that I'm not being touched that I kind of have begun to cherish those moments. Still - hugs, pats, kisses, leans are all very natural to me - though I'm overly sensitive about worrying about invading other people's space, so am not as affection as I'd like to be.

All that said - go on a date. Why not make it a work date? Since your fields are similar, make it about discussing work possibilities/ideas and keep romance out of it for now.

professor said...

I'm totally touchy feely, play in hair,lean on you type with my friends...I don't care...MMB is touchy feely too with her friends...I'm like that with my dude friends as well as my girl friends...I love to be touched...
on me and dating...I meet, greet, talk to you, and have a total relationship in my head...I explore all possibilities, compare likes and dislikes, then "break up" with you, and he wouldn't know the difference...works really well, except I like to be touched...*sigh* can't have it all...

Fat Lady said...

Oh yeah...I've tagged you. It's my first time doing this. http://milkforspice.blogspot.com/2008/03/tagged.html

The Bear Maiden said...

Professor that's funny... cuz we're not really like that with each other and I never would have known. Though I am touchy-feely with boyfreinds... when they've been "let in". Other than that... ew. And LOL... I think part of what completely freaked me out about the Opportunity was that he kissed me hello... perfectly innocent, truly. But AAAAAH! lol. And LOL about being tagged. OK. I have to think.