...I don't want any friends. Male or female. Because it means you need to trust someone. And right when you get to trusting, somebody decides that their needs supersede yours. Or that at that moment you're not that important, compared to them and their needs. It takes great feats of strength to love freely, to give freely. And most times it's OK, but sometimes you're tired. Or frustrated. Sometimes you need for someone else to love YOU freely, openly. And sometimes it's just plain bad timing between what you need back and what others can give.

Sometimes I really hate being forgiving. It took me a long long time to be forgiving, to be open. It took me forever to kiss or hug anyone "hello" or "goodbye", to freely say "I love you" to my friends. I had to learn how, remind myself that it was important to do so. Two years ago, when I finally figured it out and opened my heart, it was painful but joyous. I thought I had the answer, got the hang of it. But between then and now having kept my heart open I've had it broken, shattered, at least three times. It hurts every time. Once or twice it almost broke me. Sometimes I wonder what was better, easier... keeping those iron gates up? Or breaking them down? Sometimes, quite honestly, I'm not convinced either way.

The other day I was telling BigBear that I'd come to realize that giving freely of yourself was something you should do because it was good for your own soul.

Then I realized today that sometimes you give and give... patience, trust, understanding, unconditional love... and people take advantage of that. Sometimes, in order to not to hold on to that frustration, you vent it out, blow it out... and then people think you're angry, confrontational, depressed.

I remembered today that people will interpret your feelings how they want to so that they can justify what they do. Or... do what they want first without thinking, and when you tell them why it fucks with you, try to turn it around and make you feel that you're the dumb one for being so upset. And I think that bothers me most of all, because it takes great strength and honesty to admit hurt, or insecurity, or fear. And right then is not the moment you need somebody to make you feel that you're the dumb one, that admitting your fears makes you weak.

Sometimes I just don't want to be bothered with any of it. Just want to tell people just leave me the hell alone. Do you. Fulfill you. Leave me out of it. Work your shit out on yourself, not on me. I have enough to deal with being honest with myself, without you trying to work your stuff out on me. Figure your own shit out without me in the equation.

I've known people to completely shut themselves away. I have done it, actually... it's why I live so far away from everyone. But I admit... I get a little lonely. People need people. And I get a little frustrated that I'm all the way out here and very few make the effort to get out here to see me. "It's too far", they complain. Yet I travel back and forth every day. On a bus and train, no less. And lately, on a bandaged foot, walking at a snail's pace. But I'll still travel, make the effort to go see folk. Have MetroCard, will travel.

So sometimes I do get annoyed that I don't get that back. Actually, I'll be honest. It pisses me the fuck off. And I don't want any friend, male or female.



Jen said…
I LOVE your writing!!! I swear sometimes it's like you are in my head writing what I can't express.

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