Monday, January 4, 2010

Some Kind of Groove

...I've settled into this week. Gotten very used to the BigMan being here. Sort of a love/hate thing, too. It's weird. On the one hand I like it. When he's working on something and I'm working on something, generally our backs are to each other cuz of the set-up, and we can get lost in our own world. But I like being able to turn around and say "hey, babe, what do you think of this?" and I like being able to comment on something he's working on.

I learn some retouch tips from him; I'm showing him typography. I kind of don't like the pin-up thing he does, but whatever. It's not the girls... it's the fact that it's disturbing to me how many dumb chicks think they can be porn stars. It's also disturbing to me how much retouching he does. Truly, anybody CAN be a porn star thanks to PhotoShop. I'm here to tell you ladies, what you see in pin-ups or Playboy... I can pretty much guarantee you it ain't real. So I guess that should make me feel better, but on the other hand... I keep thinking about the fantasy world 95% of the American population lives in. We're fucked. Our perception is SO WAY OFF. I'm not sure that I like that BigMan contributes to the myth, but on the other hand...

Oh, the Groove. Yeah, I like him being here. But sometimes I feel conflicted cuz I almost want him to go. The house smells different. My electric bill has doubled thanks to all the equipment. He doesn't wipe surfaces. Oh, and men don't shower every day. And until they do shower they wear the same clothes. Some would argue that not all men are like that, except Poppy has disturbingly similar traits. So maybe it's just November men? I dunno.

I also can't really write when he's here, unless I stay up past him. But I like sleeping with him (and I don't just mean sex, I actually mean it's nice to have someone else in the bed cuz it keeps the bed warm and my room is "brick") so generally when he goes I feel compelled to wrap it up and go with him.

He tends to sleep way later than me, cuz he needs to. He can't stay up like me and then get up like me. That kind of drives me crazy. On the other hand, I like having the company at 3AM and he DOES tend to tell me it's time I went to bed.

So it's a bumpy groove for me sometimes, but it's a groove I like. Plus, as I said earlier he's the kindest man I've met in eons. I love that he cares about me, about my well being, about my foot, my sleep habits. He knows what freaks me out and he takes pains to alleviate the freak-out. That's pretty cool. I said I needed a "ground wire" and that's what I got.

The Sun likes him. And I think he's beginning to understand my kid, cuz I think my kid is different than most of his ex's kids. My kid is a wise-ass, a know-it-all, especially lately. BigMan will make a comment after the Sun has left the room, but generally he leaves the parenting to me and the ParentingPartner which for now is OK. And speaking of the Sun, I have to laugh because his wise-ass attitude and know-it-all-ness is so, well... he got it from me. I hear myself in him, and it's annoying as all get-out but it sure makes me laugh.

My foot is healing. This week it hurt more than last week. The pin that's holding everything together irks me. My toe joint hurts and I can't really bend it but I try to wiggle my toes to excercise it. Other than that, I guess it's going well.

Here's where I am with the foot:


Yeah, that pin thing is vastly annoying. In the last picture it looks like the bump is still there but a.) my foot is still pretty puffy, b.) that part got shaved down and is particularly puffy and c.) that bump better not be there in 4-6 weeks but I'm fairly certain it won't be.

Other than that... there's stuff bubbling around I can't quite put into words yet. Or maybe I don't really want to and am being forced to. I'm an all-or-nothing chick, and generally I'm forgiving until or unless something really rubs me the wrong way or goes against my core beliefs. I'm currently mulling over the words "forgiveness" and "judgments" and am having some interesting discussions with myself.

For instance, there's this argument in myself about the "What I Won't Do's" I've set for myself vs. the "What Other People Do's". Do you disassociate yourself from someone who does something you wouldn't do? Is that passing judgement? Or is that holding up an inner standard? Cuz in all honesty, I really don't give a shit what other people do... even if it's not something I would do. Unless it affects me personally. And if it affects me or someone I know, my tendency is just to walk away from it. I can't stop what other people do. I won't make an attempt to either, unless I actually give a shit about the person doing it. In fact, if I don't really care about the person, I can actually watch with a fair amount of enjoyment. Cuz people are nuts.

But if comes close to home or is hurtful to me or someone else, I don't understand why I have to forgive it, condone it, be a part of it. And it annoys the shit out of me that people get bent out of shape about that.

I even have that inner discussion with myself about BigMan's work. Well, not all of his work, but some of it. On the one hand, it amuses the shit out of me, for several reasons. But I want no part of it. I'm not even jealous cuz, well, I know BigMan and the girls aren't an issue. But I've no interest in having anything to do with that part of his work.

Then lastly CNC got mad at me tonight because she's into this dude but there's something about him that gets my spidey sense going. I'm not sure what it is. She got mad cuz she wanted to gush about him, and wanted me, as her friend to listen. I told her I would, but I couldn't help it that something sets me off. She stopped talking about him. So I'm trying to be fair and try to figure out what it is that sets me off. One is, every picture she's showed me his glasses are dark and you can't see his eyes... even when he appears to be indoors. Secondly I just don't like his look. Thirdly, everything he tells her via text or email is everything she wants to hear. And I think that bothers me most of all, cuz she's only spent time with him once. You just can't realistically fall for someone without spending some time.

Can you?

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