Saturday, January 23, 2010

I Resolved

...last night to try to let things "be". To not get upset about things I "saw"... I remembered there had been a time where I was good at this. At not letting things get to me. I guess it's because there's so much going on in my own life now,that I can't "see"clearly. I can't "see" my own shit. So I get up tight when I can see other people's stuff and they won't let me tell them about it. I feel that I am moving headlong into a big big change, and I can't really see what it is. I have an inkling, giving my current situation, but often the thing we think will unsettle us is really not the thing at all, but something much much larger, looming in the background.

So my rent is overdue and I got a certified letter from the landlord. It was handwritten, and I've yet to deal with it. The truth is my housing is now in jeopardy, but I know enough about life to know that sometimes, change is good. If I were to leave here, it might turn out that it was time. I've been here 10 years... on this Rock, 15 years. Longer than I have lived any one place my entire life. Technically, I'm due. But I don't want to leave, and I will fight to stay, but even with that knowledge I'm not sure that the rent issue is what's looming. I feel that the housing issue will only be the catalyst for another, major change. Change is always good. But the process of change can be extremely painful, and I pray that for once, just this time, it won't be that painful.

I had also resolved to just let what I "see" in other people manifest itself on it's own without me feeling a way about it. Which means I have to remember to step back, to pay attention to what people see vs. what I see, and leave it at that. It feels so hypocritical. Like I see tendrils of smoke and licks of fire, but won't call the fire department. Will I feel guilty if the house burns to the ground? Or do I trust that whoever is there will have sense enough to get out without me saying anything?

I had resolved to let the situation with BestGirl be what it is and not get uptight about it... but then I rode down in the car with her and the The BigMan for her weekly appointment. And on the way home we passed a Starbucks and she said to him, loud enough for me to notice but low enough for me to her ask her to repeat it "When the Bear said we had our date."

I said "Oh, well that was intended for him" and then said very little else the rest of the way home.

Later on, I told him that things like that is why I feel what I do: a chick knows you don't bring up a dig from someone ELSE'S argument to ding back... unless you want a rise. Bad enough he told her... but that's his BestGirl and I tell my folks everything so it's cool. Hell, I blog about it. But I know my sister would never say anything to him about what I've said to her; that's breaking two trusts. And the only reason to throw something like that is to show that you're the one with the power.

So now I know where we stand.

And then on top of that, there was another vague issue that pissed me off this morning. And right this morning I struggle with working through shit vs. walking away from shit.

I know I'm difficult. I know I don't tolerate gray areas. It's not that I can't... I won't. I used to be very good at slipping and sliding in the grey; it would be very easy for me to do that know. But I don't have time. I am hurtling headlong into a bigger issue I can't see, and I don't have time to play. But still... it would be nice to feel someone else wants to work... it would be nice to know he REALLY "gets me" and right this second I don't think he does.

Someone noted that I said in my last post that I like him, and that he loves me.

I do like him. I do love him... but love is a dangerous thing. A catch-all. A sweep-under-the-rug thing. Love can be one big grey area. But "like"... you either like someone or you don't. Sometimes it's more important to actually "like" someone than to love them. Right this second I'm not liking him very much. He's playing in the grey area, and I don't like it. At all. And I wonder if he only loves me because he needs to love SOMEONE, have someone be patient with him and his issues when what he really wants to do is to play at chasing chicks with BestGirl.

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