Saturday, November 1, 2008

Tick Tick Tick Tick...

I often wonder why I spend so much time trying to figure out what makes people tick. Why it matters to me... whether it really matters at all.

I guess sometimes it comes in handy. But I can't seem to figure out my own shit.

I haven't written in the past few days cuz I still don't feel well; I've had to work; I kept falling asleep in my chair here at the computer; too many thoughts buzzing around to put anywhere coherently. That and there were preparations to be had since SD was coming.

He got here Thursday, and picked the Sun up from school. Yesterday the Happy Family went trick or treating... me mostly following and taking pictures of my fabulous (if I do say so myself) dragon head costume (which of course I couldn't even begin to picture until the last freaking possible minute... and then like a whirlwind I put it all together in an hour and a half, with UN being my model and assistant), and SD mostly getting to walk with his kid. It was pleasant enough. I could remember why I liked him at one time. But there is steel between he and I, probably mostly on my side.

The Professor said I should just play along and get my little girl, but the thought of that.... no. Probably the regret of my life (and I don't like living with regret) is that I only had one baby... but I couldn't do that again. Not for anything. There was too much drama. Too much pain. Too long a war. I can easily call a truce. I can walk with him and smile and enjoy that our little boy can be in a space with both his parents, and I will do that for my Sun. But I will never forgive SD. I'm not a Christian, I don't have to. It's up to God to forgive him if he asks for it himself. And I'll never forgive me for enduring all that shit, and never ever could I let my guard down around him. I could never trust him, heart and soul. Besides... I've never revisited the scene of a crime, and I don't intend to start doing that with him, of all people. Plus, ew... the thought of sleeping with him.... nah. I'll pass. Babygirl just wont be. I'm sorry, Babygirl.
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I've been wasting time on Facebook, being annoyed by people who seem to think McCain/Palin are the right way to go. It's always interesting to me... how people can be so wildly different on seemingly blatantly simple issues. And again; it makes me wonder what makes people tick. What makes people think that Palin is a good pick for VP? Why don't people see the divisiveness that comes from that side? In truth, it really wouldn't matter who was running; some people are guaranteed to feel one way and others are guaranteed to feel another way. I try to figure out what people are seeing... or not seeing. But I admit I'm stumped. I don't get it. I don't get how people are still talking about JoeThePlumber and how "he asked a valid question"... and all I see is that he was obviously a mole, a set up.

I get so close to saying "You're an idiot"... but that's not being fair. We're all entitled to our opinion. And our opinions are formed by our experiences. And our experiences can be wildly different.

At least that's what I tell myself. When I'm trying to be fair. But truth be told, I'm getting a little tired of always being fair. Cuz it's not seeming to get me anywhere.
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Those body parts that got blown apart are all in one place again. Most of them are back together, and every so often I can feel them flexing, testing themselves. A few parts still lay here and there, but they are finding their rightful places again. Some days I feel myself... some days there is still residual pain. It was a mistake to open up those gates once something got in... I should have instead, found the source of the breach and like a rathole, plugged that shit up. It wasn't worth the pain. Some creatures are wild for a reason and should stay that way. But I've learned...

I have to remember that of the images of a person I can see, the only one that counts is the one at the core because that's the one that will win. Love, or faith, believing in a person... none of that shit counts unless the person themselves aspires to the best in themselves. I learned that with SD... and it's something I should have remembered. I wanted to believe in the impossible. But there is only "What Is".

That makes me sad, that thought. But there's not a lot I can do about that except live my own life to the best of my ability.
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Fluffernutter went away for a few days. I don't talk to him all the time, but I kind of missed knowing he was around, doing his thing. The night before he left we had another IM chat, and I could tell from his phrasing he was a little down.

He, like me, gets too easily sidetracked. He's way too hard on himself, which is what people say I am. So I proposed an idea to him that would enable the both of us to try something we like doing within a certain limit, and then each of us will play "stopgap" with the other so that we can remind each other to stay focused on the idea we chose. If it works... if we can concentrate on the same thing long enough to get the idea started, it could be really cool. I told him to think about it while he was away, and he said he would. The next morning it stormed. I thought of him briefly, wondering if his plane got off the ground and found myself being happy that he texted me from the runway: "Hey, guess who. I've been on the runway..." That was kind of cool.

But eh. Our worlds are worlds apart, and I need his type of friendship because his need to create things is as big as mine and I'm not about to fuck that up.
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Last night, after I did the Happy Family thing, SD took off with my Sun and I transformed myself into a '60's Black Radical/Blaxploitation chick (actually, my costume was totally based on this mental memory I have of Mima in 1968, which is highly amusing to me), and went up to Yonkers to the dojo's Halloween party. The kids were all still there, running around chasing each other, the women were all sitting along the wall and the men were all congregated in the back, waiting for the liquor. Kind of like High School. There was a ton of food. I felt loved... the little girls all came up and kissed me hello. The BrothersSensei were glad to see me. BigSenseis wife bustled around picking up spills and cleaning up garbage. Babymama was nowhere in sight.

Eventually most of the kids left except for the ones who's parents were there, and one of the moms went along the wall and pulled all the women out on the dance floor. The men broke out the liquor. The DJ, who is one of BigSensei's friends and someone he keeps trying to introduce me to, gave me a big hello. He's kind of nice looking... but eh.

Around midnight there was commotion. Some drunken hoodrats (wannabe gangbangers) who were passing acquaintances of CrazyPurpleBelt tried to crash the party, but BigSenseis wife mostly had it under control. I love her... ex-military, about 5 foot nothing and afraid of no man. But then one of BigSenseis 161 - OG's* got annoyed at one of the hoodrats, and apparently fisticuffs ensued. I was inside, enjoying my vodka cranberry, and didn't see any of it, but next thing I knew the older kids were herding what was left of the younger kids into the back of the dojo, the men all surged outside and the women blocked the door, one of them holding a folded metal chair.

Gotta love the hood. Where people know how to fight.

Yonkers PD came quickly... it tends to be rough up there and the Yonkers PD are known to swarm quickly and are none too friendly. The rest of the kids and their parents broke out, so all that was left was family, and me. The PD dispersed the hoodrats, but of course that's only while the Po-Lice are there, and the minute they left Family went into action in case the hoodrats came back, like they apparently promised to.

I grabbed Little Sensei's kid who had started to cry, and took him into the back room. I told him it was all going to be OK, not to cry, and we were just going to sit quietly and wait till the "bad guys" left. Little kid stoically buttoned himself up and stood quietly, holding my hand. I told the older kids to turn out the lights (see, I've been in a few situations myself) and we waited in the dark till all the cars had been brought to the door.

Hoodrats never showed up--I didn't think they would but you can never be too prepared cuz sometimes they do. BigSensei's wife drove me home, regaling me with stories of other incidents from 'Round The Way.

Back on my boring Rock, I went and found CrazyNicaraguaChick and we hung out for a little bit... it was way too early for me on a night that I was actually out, dammit. But I've done my hangtime on the Rock and had no interest in seeing all the HasbeensWhoAreStillHere, and watching the newer younger crop gyrate in the corner, so I came home...
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Today is my Poppy's birthday... he is 71 years old. I'm gonna go down and see him...

*OriginalGangsta

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