Saturday, January 23, 2010

I Resolved

...last night to try to let things "be". To not get upset about things I "saw"... I remembered there had been a time where I was good at this. At not letting things get to me. I guess it's because there's so much going on in my own life now,that I can't "see"clearly. I can't "see" my own shit. So I get up tight when I can see other people's stuff and they won't let me tell them about it. I feel that I am moving headlong into a big big change, and I can't really see what it is. I have an inkling, giving my current situation, but often the thing we think will unsettle us is really not the thing at all, but something much much larger, looming in the background.

So my rent is overdue and I got a certified letter from the landlord. It was handwritten, and I've yet to deal with it. The truth is my housing is now in jeopardy, but I know enough about life to know that sometimes, change is good. If I were to leave here, it might turn out that it was time. I've been here 10 years... on this Rock, 15 years. Longer than I have lived any one place my entire life. Technically, I'm due. But I don't want to leave, and I will fight to stay, but even with that knowledge I'm not sure that the rent issue is what's looming. I feel that the housing issue will only be the catalyst for another, major change. Change is always good. But the process of change can be extremely painful, and I pray that for once, just this time, it won't be that painful.

I had also resolved to just let what I "see" in other people manifest itself on it's own without me feeling a way about it. Which means I have to remember to step back, to pay attention to what people see vs. what I see, and leave it at that. It feels so hypocritical. Like I see tendrils of smoke and licks of fire, but won't call the fire department. Will I feel guilty if the house burns to the ground? Or do I trust that whoever is there will have sense enough to get out without me saying anything?

I had resolved to let the situation with BestGirl be what it is and not get uptight about it... but then I rode down in the car with her and the The BigMan for her weekly appointment. And on the way home we passed a Starbucks and she said to him, loud enough for me to notice but low enough for me to her ask her to repeat it "When the Bear said we had our date."

I said "Oh, well that was intended for him" and then said very little else the rest of the way home.

Later on, I told him that things like that is why I feel what I do: a chick knows you don't bring up a dig from someone ELSE'S argument to ding back... unless you want a rise. Bad enough he told her... but that's his BestGirl and I tell my folks everything so it's cool. Hell, I blog about it. But I know my sister would never say anything to him about what I've said to her; that's breaking two trusts. And the only reason to throw something like that is to show that you're the one with the power.

So now I know where we stand.

And then on top of that, there was another vague issue that pissed me off this morning. And right this morning I struggle with working through shit vs. walking away from shit.

I know I'm difficult. I know I don't tolerate gray areas. It's not that I can't... I won't. I used to be very good at slipping and sliding in the grey; it would be very easy for me to do that know. But I don't have time. I am hurtling headlong into a bigger issue I can't see, and I don't have time to play. But still... it would be nice to feel someone else wants to work... it would be nice to know he REALLY "gets me" and right this second I don't think he does.

Someone noted that I said in my last post that I like him, and that he loves me.

I do like him. I do love him... but love is a dangerous thing. A catch-all. A sweep-under-the-rug thing. Love can be one big grey area. But "like"... you either like someone or you don't. Sometimes it's more important to actually "like" someone than to love them. Right this second I'm not liking him very much. He's playing in the grey area, and I don't like it. At all. And I wonder if he only loves me because he needs to love SOMEONE, have someone be patient with him and his issues when what he really wants to do is to play at chasing chicks with BestGirl.

Friday, January 22, 2010

A Little On The Nutty/Spicy Side

...I am, kind of like spicy cayenne peanuts or something. I have my issues. But my issues are very clear. I've worked hard to make them clear. I continue to work hard to make them clear, and when something pisses me off, I allow myself the time to sort through everything so that I can say exactly what has pissed me off.

So after waiting for BigMan to call--which he didn't--I picked up the phone roughly 24hours later. After having posted here things were very clear for me, so I told him pretty much what I'd written. Including about having too many women dominating him, and he was going to have to decide at some point, what he was going to do about that.

He had kind of an attitude about it... didn't see what I saw about BestGirl and I said "I know you don't, cuz you're a dude and that's OK. But I'm a chick. And a chick who listens to her gut. I know what I feel when I feel it, cuz I pay attention. I've been through too much shit. And I'm telling you I won't deal with it". (And judging from the few comments here and some other comments I got but not from here, I'm not off my rocker.) But we pretty much worked it out. It took a while though, even though once I had said my piece I was pretty much over it.

He mulled it over a little longer though, and later on in the evening came back at me from another angle... saying I should have been more clear about the timing the Professor had. I realized then there was an important backstory he didn't know, which was... much as I love my sister, she'll often go back and forth a while before she makes a hard and fast decision. And it makes me nuts, so I've had to train myself to not listen until I hear the tone in her voice that indicates she's definitely made up her mind and is on her track. BigBear can handle it, and will zig and zag with her but I just can't. It also doesn't jive well with my lateness issue. So until she tells me a definite time and plan is when my ass can get in gear so I can be my usual 10-15 minutes late. If I zigged everytime she did, neither of us would ever get anywhere.

And BigMan, who can zig and zag patiently with BestGirl, was annoyed that I hadn't told him of Professor's first indication. I told him "You borrowed the car, it was up to YOU to follow through. And if you have the patience for zigzags, then in the future YOU do it cuz I can't and I won't."

So that took care of that, for the time being. And I still like him. And he still loves me.

But I had the rather sobering thought, there for a moment, that there is still the very real possibility that I am destined for other things that don't include a long-term relationship, as much as I want one. Because it takes an EXTREMELY patient, secure and thickskinned person, who also possesses skills in the third dimension to be able to ride me out. I know this. I'm not patting myself on the back about it, or trying to make myself out to be some wildspirit... it's just that my life patterns pretty obviously reflect this.

I don't TRY to be difficult. I check myself all the time. I spend way too much time talking to myself and sorting out the errors of my ways. But I am what I am, and at just-about-45 am more like I am every day. And the other thing is... I don't mind ME as I am. I mind OTHER people reacting to me. Which pretty clearly indicates my Narcissistic Tendencies and a bent towards insanity.

Whatever.

I have issues. The problem too, is that randomly, I will get a snapshot of a person that tells me where they're White-Hot core issues are. And I react to that. It often doesn't occur to me until later in the game that people are confused/annoyed/pissed off/happy about my reaction to them, because they can't see their whole picture. So they may not appreciate that I doggedly return to one thing over and over. But I can't help it. It's like if you look at someone and they have food on their face. It's all YOU see. You want to wipe it off, hand them a napkin, rub your chin in the same spot hoping the science of body language will prompt them to mimic you. Some people, you can just reach out and wipe the food off, but if you're not that comfortable with them, you can't do that but the knowledge of the food spot just makes you nuts. They, on the other hand, have no clue why you keep rubbing your chin. They think you're crazy--have an itch.

It took years for me to realize I had this "thing" for people in mental distress, and not confuse it with a need to bond. It took years to realize I can see this "picture", although it's random. I finally learned to pay attention when my scalp tingles (my "danger! danger, Will Robinson!" notice), I learned pretty much how not to get sucked too deeply into the minds of the insane, I learned I couldn't let everyone in and save them (cuz sometimes the scruffy wandering cat is just too fleabitten and too ferile to be domesticated) and I had to learn not to feel guilty about letting some people go.

Now I guess I have to learn to analyze the pictures I see, and separate what I see from what they see. And realize that sometimes they're just going to be people who will walk around with food on their faces. And not let it make me too nuts.

Cuz this picture thing is sort of a recent development. Well, the realization of it is. I realized I've had it all along, it's why certain people stand out in my memory, though years and years and years, and hundreds of people will pass between me and them. Some people make a picture in my heart and I never forget them.

Case in point... Mima. I spent so much time with her as a toddler and she meant so much that even though YEARS went by without me seeing her, I never forgot her. When we left Paris and went our separate ways, I was three and a half. The next time I saw her as a kid I think I was six years old, and then YEARS went by and I saw her briefly in passing when I was about 13 or 14. Then YEARS again... and the next time I saw her I was 36 or 37... and she's back in my life where she belongs.

Added to that list is my high school Math teacher. I ended up with him as a teacher because I'd failed math twice, and he had made an arrangement with the school to pick up all the "recalcitrant math students" and teach them how to think... but in order to do so he needed them for a whole year.

Cool! I thought. I get to "play" all year.. cuz what he did was teach us various string figures known to most as "Cats Cradle" or "Jacobs Ladder". What I didn't know was that in reality, he was teaching us order, how to pay attention to details, processes...

but the other thing about HSMT was that he was Cherokee, even though he possessed an Irish moniker.

At the time, I only knew the rumors of my mother's Native blood, but the call was so strong and HSMT was the first person I'd met in America willing to say "I am Cherokee". He wore different colored socks, strings around his wrists and various amulets around his neck. A lot of the other kids just thought he was a "hippie", a smoker, and a little nuts, and he was all those things but he was also Cherokee and that meant something to me.

It turned out he'd know my Poppy in Harvard, and so they reunited for a bit and Poppy and I ended up attending his Cherokee wedding when HSMT married my music theory teacher.

I graduated, moved on, retained very few friendships with my High School peeps, and certainly nothing with any of my teachers. But I never forgot HSMT, and every few years, whenever a new search engine came about, I'd try to find him. I had found him through Google recently, but unaware of his penchant for translations of poetry from ancient languages, thought it couldn't possibly be him. Turns out, it was.

He finally appeared on FB recently, though I tracked him down from his (now former) wife, my music theory teacher. Who, turns out, knew Mima from a Native women's retreat.

Small ass world.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

A Little Aggravated

... I am, with BigMan's BestGirl. I'm really not the paranoid type, but I can sense when folks aren't feeling me. And I don't think she's feeling me. Consequently, I'm not feeling her AT ALL. Little bullshit... but I'm starting to feel like I've been around a little longer than she's used to, and I feel a slight play for power and control.

On top of that, there are moments when I feel that BigMan has too many domineering women in his life, and until I came along there was a hierarchy. Mama is first, and this is as it should be. I haven't met Mama. And Mama hasn't attempted to "friend" me on FB, which I'm cool with... since I haven't met her. Plus, poking around a little bit, Mama is "freinds" with BabyMama, who doesn't get along with BigMan. At all. After Mama is GrandMa, and I've met GrandMa and I kind of like her. She's feisty. BigMan has wanted me to stay over there (before foot) but I wasn't all that comfortable because as I told him, there can only be on bitch in a house. So I mainly try to stay out of the way. But next on that list is BestGirl. Now I know there's no boyfriend/girlfriend type thing cuz BigMan has said there wasn't and so far I haven't caught him in any lies. (Not that I was really looking... but I notice every little thing so nothing has pricked me.)

But there's been a cooling off on her part, and definitely a cooling off on mine. And there's some powerplaying being played, mainly with regard to her vehicle. Before I came along, he seems to have had frequent use of the vehicle. In fact, the night I met him, he drove me home in her vehicle, and our first date was in her vehicle. Since I've been around, that's been less and less... and often there's just passive-aggressive push-me-pull-you "You can't have the car cuz I'm going someplace" and then she doesn't go anywhere. Or "come get me at such and such a time, drive me and then you can have the car" and he goes to get her, gets there late, and then she decides she's not going anywhere.

And about the late thing... it's a known fact I'm always late. But I'm never RIDICULOUSLY late, and when I AM late (which, OK, is frequently) I call or text. But sometimes, I 'm not late, and when it comes to her, because I've noticed she likes to get pissy with him when I am... I make it a point not to be late.

But whenever he's late, it becomes MY fault, even when I've nothing to do with it. And that's beginning to piss me the fuck off.

Thursday night, BigMan borrowed Professor's car so he could drive us home. Thursday was our version of Passover. The story of why it's in January is elsewhere on this blog and I'm not going over it right now. But because we were celebrating Passover we were all at BigBear's house (what a great time we had... MMB and the Sun played Bach's Minuet II together-she on guitar and he on violin. PerpetualMotion-aka TinyOne, sat rapt. And that kid sits rapt for no one.) and because parking sucks in the City, Professor didn't want to drive us home. So she lent BigMan the car so he could.

The Sun decided he was spending the night over at Auntie's and MMB's on Friday, and so BigMan knew he'd have to drive the Sun in, and return the car to the Professor. BestGirl had an appointment and traditionally BigMan drove her so he could sit in the car since parking is so hard in the city... but the appointment is now a half hour earlier than it used to be.

The Professor let me know she wanted the car for awhile so she could run to the supermarket, so I told BigMan this so he could come up and get us. Now to backtrack... he had left the Rock early in the morning to meet BestGirl so she could do her laundry in his building. It's cheaper. But of course he rushes down there and she decided she wasn't doing it right then.

So BigMan was down at GrandMa's, which is good cuz GrandMa was throwing him shade cuz he's been with me for 3 weeks while I recovered with TheFoot. We realize that he had to leave his house now to come up to the Rock to get us and then drive back to the City and return the car. Now I've been sitting in the house for almost a month pretty much, and I'm about sick of my red couch and really wanted to go out. Neither of us has money, but I'm easy; a ride in a vehicle on a Friday evening was sufficient to make me feel like I was going somewhere.

As I said... I'm slow as it is... and one very inconvenient thing about TheFoot is it can't get wet, so taking a shower requires me to wrap it plastic bags. It's a pain... and it takes a minute, but despite all that I managed to get showered and dressed, get my kid dressed and be ready long before BigMan got to my door. And I realized he was late... we were cutting it close but we could still make BestGirl's appointment on time.

When BigMan rolled up, we were ready to go and went downstairs immediately.

He jumps on me: "I'm late. And YOU have to call her and apologize for being late, and tell her we're on the way".

And of course my hackles went up. Strike one.

"For WHAT? I'M not late, YOU are. Why should I apologize???"

And I said nothing else the whole way down... reason being I was steaming. And the Sun was in the car. But I texted BestGirl to let her know we were on the road and got back a terse "ETA please?" and I told her 20 minutes.

We got down there in about 20 minutes, and the closer we got, the less I wanted to be in the car with that bitch, cuz today was the day I'd lose my temper. And BigMan has gotten a small taste but she's never seen it. And I know she's a little fragile. See... I'm nice even when I'm nasty. People don't realize how much I truly hold back.

But anyway. We get to my mom's block which BigMan has to go down to come up the Professor's block (one way streets and what not) and we roll up to BestGirl's truck. One look at her face and I knew I wasn't going anywhere with them, so as soon as BigMan parked I told him I wasn't coming. He said OK.

Strike two.

I kissed him goodbye and waved to them as the left, and the Professor and MMB and BigBear got in the car and we went to Fairway. Couldn't afford much but I got some arugula. I love arugula.

But I was still annoyed and didn't want to inflict my mood on anyone so after the supermarket I had Professor drop me off at the bus stop, and I started home. BigMan called right as I got on and I told him I was headed home. He had wanted to borrow the Professor's car the next day for a networking event on Saturday, and asked about that, but I blew him off. Cuz the original plan was for me to ride down with him and BestGirl to her appointment, and then we could have come back to Professor's and re-borrowed the car. But fuck you, you're on your own. He was a little annoyed but asked me to call when I got back to the Rock.

I took my time... stopping by my mentor's gallery to view his latest exhibition, but when I got home, I called BigMan. It was 8:something. He and BestGirl were supposed to have gone back to his building so she could do her laundry. But they were still downtown. At Starbucks.

Strike three.

I told him enjoy his date, call me when he got home and hung up.

When he did get home, about 11:30, he IM'd me on FB. He didn't call.

I might not have been quite so annoyed if this had been the first time something like this happened. I might not be annoyed if last week when the Sun stayed with his dad and I was feeling a little more mobile, he decided at the last minute to go hang out with BestGirl. And I was already home, thinking he was coming straight to my house, cuz otherwise I would have said "cool!" and gone to karaoke with CNC. And that happened last Friday.

I might not be so annoyed if there was money floating around, and he and I could hang out once in a while. But funds are tight, I've been sitting home watching movies for three weeks and I really wanted to be out. Especially with him.

It took all I had not to fly off the deep end and either write him a nasty email, leave him a nasty message or unfriend him on FB. I might be close to PMSing (which I rarely do but when I do it's not cute), but I think I'm pissed off, and I also think I have a right to be pissed off.

I don't think I'm all that unreasonable. Particularly if he'd said outright he needed to get away from me, I would have understood. We've been up each other's ass for three weeks and I know I'm a little intense. But I also sense that BestGirl is having some power issues and he doesn't seem to see it. But anytime a man is freaked out cuz a chick is mad at him cuz he's late... um... especially if the chick isn't me... .that's a problem.

Cuz there can only be one bitch in a relationship, and that bitch is me.

Or not.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

And Other Times

...I do venture out of my head and my own issues enough to care about the world around me and what happens in it.

I don't have TV now, at all. And radio sucks so I mostly don't listen. I only have time and money for the free paper and so totally missed Haiti's earthquake until well after the news has broken.

Today I watched the reports on CNN.com and MSNBC.com, and was reminded of Katrina. I am saddened... a friend wondered why God would allow this to happen, and remembering Poppy's words that God "doesn't keep you out of trouble, He GETS you out of trouble" I told him that we do these things to ourselves.

I know we don't cause earthquakes... but we DO settle in places where earthquakes are known to hit, we build structures that can tumble, we erect and allow corrupt politics and governments to continue to rule over people and keep people destitute so that when disaster strikes the poor and the sick and the needy conveniently suffer the most.

My heart goes out to Haiti... and to those people who have family and friends there, who don't know who's alive or not... I wonder if they will or can recover faster than New Orleans did from Katrina? Because reports are that New Orleans still hasn't recovered. New Orleans and Haiti share a lot of the same issues...

=-=-=-=-=

but I mostly care what happens to me, and at the moment well... I keep feeling that my life is going to change in a very big way, and I only hope the change isn't horrifically difficult. My sister dropped an idea on me that I am seriously pondering, and today I got a summons from Capital One that they are suing me for what I owe them, and I got a certified letter in the mail from my landlord. At just about the same time; I went downstairs to get served by the very nice brownskinned and sorrowful process server, and picked the slip out of the mailbox for the landlord's letter.

I need cash.

So does Haiti.

But at the moment God forgive me cuz I'm slightly more worried about myself than Haiti, though my T-shirt company very happy and humbly donated $20 to Americares...

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Last Friday I went to the doc and my foot looks like this:


... and next Monday the pin comes out....

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Sometimes

...I don't want any friends. Male or female. Because it means you need to trust someone. And right when you get to trusting, somebody decides that their needs supersede yours. Or that at that moment you're not that important, compared to them and their needs. It takes great feats of strength to love freely, to give freely. And most times it's OK, but sometimes you're tired. Or frustrated. Sometimes you need for someone else to love YOU freely, openly. And sometimes it's just plain bad timing between what you need back and what others can give.

Sometimes I really hate being forgiving. It took me a long long time to be forgiving, to be open. It took me forever to kiss or hug anyone "hello" or "goodbye", to freely say "I love you" to my friends. I had to learn how, remind myself that it was important to do so. Two years ago, when I finally figured it out and opened my heart, it was painful but joyous. I thought I had the answer, got the hang of it. But between then and now having kept my heart open I've had it broken, shattered, at least three times. It hurts every time. Once or twice it almost broke me. Sometimes I wonder what was better, easier... keeping those iron gates up? Or breaking them down? Sometimes, quite honestly, I'm not convinced either way.

The other day I was telling BigBear that I'd come to realize that giving freely of yourself was something you should do because it was good for your own soul.

Then I realized today that sometimes you give and give... patience, trust, understanding, unconditional love... and people take advantage of that. Sometimes, in order to not to hold on to that frustration, you vent it out, blow it out... and then people think you're angry, confrontational, depressed.

I remembered today that people will interpret your feelings how they want to so that they can justify what they do. Or... do what they want first without thinking, and when you tell them why it fucks with you, try to turn it around and make you feel that you're the dumb one for being so upset. And I think that bothers me most of all, because it takes great strength and honesty to admit hurt, or insecurity, or fear. And right then is not the moment you need somebody to make you feel that you're the dumb one, that admitting your fears makes you weak.

Sometimes I just don't want to be bothered with any of it. Just want to tell people just leave me the hell alone. Do you. Fulfill you. Leave me out of it. Work your shit out on yourself, not on me. I have enough to deal with being honest with myself, without you trying to work your stuff out on me. Figure your own shit out without me in the equation.

I've known people to completely shut themselves away. I have done it, actually... it's why I live so far away from everyone. But I admit... I get a little lonely. People need people. And I get a little frustrated that I'm all the way out here and very few make the effort to get out here to see me. "It's too far", they complain. Yet I travel back and forth every day. On a bus and train, no less. And lately, on a bandaged foot, walking at a snail's pace. But I'll still travel, make the effort to go see folk. Have MetroCard, will travel.

So sometimes I do get annoyed that I don't get that back. Actually, I'll be honest. It pisses me the fuck off. And I don't want any friend, male or female.

Sometimes.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Some Kind of Groove

...I've settled into this week. Gotten very used to the BigMan being here. Sort of a love/hate thing, too. It's weird. On the one hand I like it. When he's working on something and I'm working on something, generally our backs are to each other cuz of the set-up, and we can get lost in our own world. But I like being able to turn around and say "hey, babe, what do you think of this?" and I like being able to comment on something he's working on.

I learn some retouch tips from him; I'm showing him typography. I kind of don't like the pin-up thing he does, but whatever. It's not the girls... it's the fact that it's disturbing to me how many dumb chicks think they can be porn stars. It's also disturbing to me how much retouching he does. Truly, anybody CAN be a porn star thanks to PhotoShop. I'm here to tell you ladies, what you see in pin-ups or Playboy... I can pretty much guarantee you it ain't real. So I guess that should make me feel better, but on the other hand... I keep thinking about the fantasy world 95% of the American population lives in. We're fucked. Our perception is SO WAY OFF. I'm not sure that I like that BigMan contributes to the myth, but on the other hand...

Oh, the Groove. Yeah, I like him being here. But sometimes I feel conflicted cuz I almost want him to go. The house smells different. My electric bill has doubled thanks to all the equipment. He doesn't wipe surfaces. Oh, and men don't shower every day. And until they do shower they wear the same clothes. Some would argue that not all men are like that, except Poppy has disturbingly similar traits. So maybe it's just November men? I dunno.

I also can't really write when he's here, unless I stay up past him. But I like sleeping with him (and I don't just mean sex, I actually mean it's nice to have someone else in the bed cuz it keeps the bed warm and my room is "brick") so generally when he goes I feel compelled to wrap it up and go with him.

He tends to sleep way later than me, cuz he needs to. He can't stay up like me and then get up like me. That kind of drives me crazy. On the other hand, I like having the company at 3AM and he DOES tend to tell me it's time I went to bed.

So it's a bumpy groove for me sometimes, but it's a groove I like. Plus, as I said earlier he's the kindest man I've met in eons. I love that he cares about me, about my well being, about my foot, my sleep habits. He knows what freaks me out and he takes pains to alleviate the freak-out. That's pretty cool. I said I needed a "ground wire" and that's what I got.

The Sun likes him. And I think he's beginning to understand my kid, cuz I think my kid is different than most of his ex's kids. My kid is a wise-ass, a know-it-all, especially lately. BigMan will make a comment after the Sun has left the room, but generally he leaves the parenting to me and the ParentingPartner which for now is OK. And speaking of the Sun, I have to laugh because his wise-ass attitude and know-it-all-ness is so, well... he got it from me. I hear myself in him, and it's annoying as all get-out but it sure makes me laugh.

My foot is healing. This week it hurt more than last week. The pin that's holding everything together irks me. My toe joint hurts and I can't really bend it but I try to wiggle my toes to excercise it. Other than that, I guess it's going well.

Here's where I am with the foot:


Yeah, that pin thing is vastly annoying. In the last picture it looks like the bump is still there but a.) my foot is still pretty puffy, b.) that part got shaved down and is particularly puffy and c.) that bump better not be there in 4-6 weeks but I'm fairly certain it won't be.

Other than that... there's stuff bubbling around I can't quite put into words yet. Or maybe I don't really want to and am being forced to. I'm an all-or-nothing chick, and generally I'm forgiving until or unless something really rubs me the wrong way or goes against my core beliefs. I'm currently mulling over the words "forgiveness" and "judgments" and am having some interesting discussions with myself.

For instance, there's this argument in myself about the "What I Won't Do's" I've set for myself vs. the "What Other People Do's". Do you disassociate yourself from someone who does something you wouldn't do? Is that passing judgement? Or is that holding up an inner standard? Cuz in all honesty, I really don't give a shit what other people do... even if it's not something I would do. Unless it affects me personally. And if it affects me or someone I know, my tendency is just to walk away from it. I can't stop what other people do. I won't make an attempt to either, unless I actually give a shit about the person doing it. In fact, if I don't really care about the person, I can actually watch with a fair amount of enjoyment. Cuz people are nuts.

But if comes close to home or is hurtful to me or someone else, I don't understand why I have to forgive it, condone it, be a part of it. And it annoys the shit out of me that people get bent out of shape about that.

I even have that inner discussion with myself about BigMan's work. Well, not all of his work, but some of it. On the one hand, it amuses the shit out of me, for several reasons. But I want no part of it. I'm not even jealous cuz, well, I know BigMan and the girls aren't an issue. But I've no interest in having anything to do with that part of his work.

Then lastly CNC got mad at me tonight because she's into this dude but there's something about him that gets my spidey sense going. I'm not sure what it is. She got mad cuz she wanted to gush about him, and wanted me, as her friend to listen. I told her I would, but I couldn't help it that something sets me off. She stopped talking about him. So I'm trying to be fair and try to figure out what it is that sets me off. One is, every picture she's showed me his glasses are dark and you can't see his eyes... even when he appears to be indoors. Secondly I just don't like his look. Thirdly, everything he tells her via text or email is everything she wants to hear. And I think that bothers me most of all, cuz she's only spent time with him once. You just can't realistically fall for someone without spending some time.

Can you?

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Happy New Year... A Tad Late...

and just a quickie at that.

I had a bunionectomy the Monday before Christmas. Basically what that means is they shave the bump off your big toe, cut a cone out and straighten the toe out, holding it with a pin till everything "Sets".

Initially it didn't hurt much. Then it did. But mostly there's just weird feelings. Till I went for my one week check up on New Years Eve. Then I realized the pin is OUTSIDE my foot. And the doc wiggled my toe and I thought I'd pass out. In fact, once I got home, I did. My body went into shock and I slept for 5 hours or so, right on my couch.

Through it all... BigMan has been my constant companion. He has been better to me than I was to my own sister when the building fell on her and crushed her leg. He's the most amazingly patient human being I've ever met. And kind. And so I check my frustration and my complaints and I curb my annoyance. When the dust bunnies get on my nerves (because I'm sitting around and can see them) he vacuums. When the dishes get too high he does them. I guess it's true... love is patient.

We spent New Years quietly, sitting on the couch. We could have gone out... he got a late offer for a pick up to go to a party, but I had no energy. And I would have let him go if he really wanted to... but he stayed with me.

So, as rough as the year has been, I came out of it with BigMan, and I am thankful. I'm also very grateful that I could say "Happy New Year" to my Poppy. And BigBear has a new home--a real home. And I'm grateful that the Diva got her wits back and got a job... and the Professor got a new job. And MoodMagicBarbie is not quite so moody. And the ParentingPartner is a true parenting partner. And my Sun is the best kid in the world (though he very recently developed an amazingly smart-ass attitude).

I've learned some stuff this year... learned that snakes are always snakes and bullshit is bullshit and I've no patience for either. I've learned the meaning (again) of true friendship and sisterhood. And that I'm not going to waste my time on folk who don't value either of those things or disrespect them. I've been amazed again at my own resilience.

Now I just need--seriously need--to make some money and life will be quite alright.

P.S. I've spent the last week trying to finish old, overdue projects: this is one of them.

2010, here I come...

oh... and if you can, buy a calendar. I don't make much off of it, but every little bit helps...

Click on the picture to go to my CafePress store...