Monday, September 7, 2009

I Can't Write

...the BigMan has been here several days straight. I don't get the time alone to write. He said I'll miss him when he goes home... when school starts.

I'm not sure I will.

I like him, I do. I'm grateful for the love, for the things he does, the care he takes.

I saw Cricket the other day... sat beside him outside his job while I picked up shirts from him. I think he was relieved I'm dating someone... takes the pressure off of him. But I still miss him. I miss flying with him. I was telling the BigMan today how much I hated cooking in my kitchen, how if I ever had a house, I wanted one with a big kitchen...

...and I remembered with a stupid and sudden pang the conversation about a house with a center island and copper pots, facing a beach. And realized that it won't happen with Cricket. It made me sad!

It was all to easy to throw a kiss the Scrub's way the other day, even though I know he is what he is and that will never change... and that his heart never did and never will belong to me.

It distresses me greatly that I feel this way. I'm not sure why I do. Am I just running? Or is this wrong? I suddenly "get" the decision some of my friends have made in the past... why they married the men they did. "He loves me." "He bought me a house." "He's a good father." When they knew going in they weren't "crazy in love".

I'm not sure I want to make that decision... I'm not sure I want another baby THAT much...

In the meantime, the BigMan has met most of the people who count in my life, including SD. And I'm feeling just a little trapped...

...or maybe I'm just ungrateful. Selfish. Narcissistic.

....grrrr....

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