Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Forgive Me, Father

...for I have sinned. It's been over a week since my last post.

Well, I haven't sinned, actually. I've been really good. I'm sort of getting into the swing of a relationship, integrating that part of my life into the everyday of my life. It's hard. Men take up a lot of time... so between that and my Sun I haven't seen much of my friends which sort of pissed CNC off a little. Or rather gave her a moment. I had to reassure her my not being around didn't have ANYthing to do with her... certainly had nothing to do with BigMan not liking her (which is what she seemed to think).... merely that between him and the kid and not having ANY money I've sort of been in a vacuum.

It's been kind of weird. There's SD, who's name suddenly changed the other day. He is now ParentingPartner... and the irony of this never ceases to amaze me. I keep expecting things to pop up and blow our peace away, but so far nothing has. Not even last night when he brought the Sun home late--interfering with my enjoyment of the 2-hour premiere of "Heroes". I was pretty uptight... and I'm still not sure if he did it on purpose but his smoothness and apologies disarmed me. There's still some things that get under my skin;
  • Sun needs a coat and PP goes out to buy him one. But comes back with a faux leather jacket which will be completely useless in a few months.
  • He doesn't understand the concept of just spending the money for something good that will last.
  • He is obsessed with bumps, pus, the kid's eczema.
...but other than that we're getting along very well.

And the BigMan. His kindness has gotten to me. I haven't been in a relationship in years where the kindness is easy. Way back in the beginning of my relationship with Jersey Boy there was kindness, a willingness to "look out". That went away after awhile but the initial kindness is probably what kept me hanging on so long in the end. But this one... I know there's such a thing as a honeymoon phase... but I'm not sure this is what that is. I wonder sometimes, in my deeply analytical and slightly narcissistic innerself, if it's because there is a slight advantage on my part. I've had that before... and the last go round I abused it. And since I'm not consumed by BigMan my deeply analytical and slightly narcissistic innerself remembers how nasty I was. But I was 20 years younger and thought I had all the time in the world.

Now I'm almost 45, with an agenda-- an Ultimate Objective if you will, and I realize that this advantage is something in my favor. And that I shouldn't abuse it... but it comes in handy. It's very different for me not to be the one in pursuit. And to be truthful, he's not really pursuing me cuz he pretty much has me, but he's nice to be around. Low maintenance. He has his moments.... but somehow they don't really rattle me. Often it's because he needs to eat. Sometimes it's cuz he got into a pissing contest with a client. But it's kind of nice that if he asks me what I think, and I tell him, he doesn't get an attitude about it.

And I'm able to take what he says, too. Because already I've found that whatever he tells me, he tells me cuz he genuinely cares. Or he sees something I'm overlooking. And usually I already know but am not acknowledging.

But I can take what he says because he's kind about it. And I think the kindness is the thing that's won me over. And it enables me to be patient about the one or two other things that bother me. So I'm guessing he's about 95% of what I want. And that ain't bad. Not bad at all.

So that aspect of my life is settling down. The next thing I need to tackle is organization, and making money. They sort of go hand-in-hand, I think, but the money issue is really drastic. I cannot milk my neighbor anymore, and BigBear and Poppy are (finally) about to move into a new apartment. But if I don't figure something out VERY soon; if I don't organize myself to complete projects and redeem myself to folk there will be no electricity, no cable, no DSL. Hell, maybe even no apartment. And I mean like in the next few days "soon".

It's so bad I've ceased to freak out about it. Like watching someone die knowing there's no point in screaming cuz there's nothing you can do about it. It's a done deal.

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However, I made a push on my photography. I decided to only shoot black and white for a while, and apply all the darkroom techniques I know to the digital editing process and so far it's worked out stunningly, if I do say so myself.

Even at the Pow Wow I went to the other day--I shot in black and white which is hard because Pow Wows are all about the color. But what I realized about photography is that people believe a photograph. They see a story in the photograph, and color makes it a literal story. Most people won't step outside the color to study the face, or the gesture. They certainly can't see themselves objectively... color makes it too realistic and so whatever their reality is, is what they project on to the photograph.

Which is why the art photographers stuck with black and white, I'm guessing... even when color was available.

Black and white makes you think... dig a little deeper. It seems to abstract the story so that people don't get caught in the literal, don't project what they know onto the picture. It helps them suspend judgement.

I have often admired the photographer Weegee , because even his most brutal and gruesome photographs could tell a story in black and white where they probably would simply be offensive if they were in vivid color. People lying in their own pools of blood, crime scenes. I admired that he was relentless in his pursuit of the story and would push right up there to get it. It took me a long time to get that kind of nerve, and even now it's hard. I usually prefer to sit with my camera long enough for people to stop paying attention to me, and then I can take freely of the story I see.

Before I went digital I mainly shot in black and white, especially after I learned how to print my own pictures and develop my own film. And good black and white is an easier craft; good color on film is a whole other set of rules. Digital made color easy, and it was great to get caught up in vivid color for awhile. But I began to feel that color was getting in the way of what I wanted to say, and then recently I've had several requests by different people (though all women, interestingly enough) to not show certain pictures. Which pissed me off for all sorts of reasons, to say nothing of just being damn insulting. But I realized the issue was that color made it all too literal. So I'm back to black and white for a while. And it's reminded me why I enjoyed photography so much.

Though it's made me miss the darkroom all the more... the smell of chemicals, the sound of running water... watching an image appear. It was like magic... I never ever got tired of the moment the image first appeared, watching closely until it was "there"...

So here are a few of my most recent favorites...

The SunKing

The Diva and PerpetualMotion - Still


CNC


Mr. Charles Oakley

and no... he wasn't posing for me.

It Starts Early...

2 comments:

RoadGrl said...

beautiful photos... I love black and white as well, I think the nuances you get from lighting are so much more noticeable and dramatic...

Regina said...

Love the black and white -and the favorites you shared are each fabulous in their own way. Perpetual Motion has gotten so big- as has the Sun.