Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Woke Up This Morning

to the voices screaming in my head. Literally screaming in panic. It could have been something outside filtering into my dream, but by the time I woke up whatever it was had subsided, and I was left with the fear.

I texted the Cricket that I needed a moment from him; he was working but he gave me the moment. It wasn't much but it was all I needed.

On one hand I'm happy.... our project has jumped forward by leaps and bounds and we actually have physical stuff to show for it. Stuff I've yet to see in person, but he says I will this weekend. And the gears are spinning in my head and I have all sorts of other ideas of things to pull off... but the reality is I've sunk everything I have in this project. Which wasn't much... but it was enough to live on for a month and now I'm broke. Only now there is no child support, there is no unemployment. There will be no public assistance because to apply for that requires me to work for them, and if I do that I won't have time to do anything else.

So I'm fucked. I keep telling myself really, debt collectors can't take it if I don't have it but I feel them hovering, watching like vultures for any sign of anything they can seize. It terrifies me.

Last weekend was a great one; the Professor turned 41 and my brother GMan was djing the opening set at a club downtown, so a bunch of us met there and celebrated. I had to deliver supplies to Cricket and it turned out that he had to meet me there, but ended up staying a bit. To me, it was heaven. I still never really know what he's feeling... how deep it runs with him. He's the kind to hang way back but then will suddenly turn it on... or simply shows interest by just sticking around. So he stuck around till late Saturday night, and the next day we ran into an issue so I had to go back to the City to meet him. I brought the Sun with me cuz he wasn't feeling well and wanted to stick with me.

The Sun really thinks Cricket is cool... I think the combination of his oddness, his creativity and his gentleness is a reflection of the Sun's own spirit. It makes me smile to see the adoration in the Sun's eyes. And Cricket is really very nice to him so that makes it easy to have the two of them in the same place.

We ended up killing most of the afternoon and going to eat, and I finally really told Cricket how I'd grown up... at the end of the story he just kind of looked at me wide-eyed, and I laughed. "Now you know why nothing fazes me" I said. "I may look normal, but I'm really not."

And nothing fazes me, really.... the idea of taking this gamble to live by my wits is how I lived my childhood. In my teens and twenties I decided I liked the material world and wanted to live in it, but it really wasn't good for my soul.

But yet... the reality is the rest of the world doesn't function this way... landlords are not always understanding and Sallie Mae could give a rat's ass. They just want their money.

So I woke up and the voices were screaming in panic... but a few words from Cricket and I feel a little better. Not much... but enough to keep swimming...

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