I blew off work today to work on my own stuff.
Inspired in part, by an over-two-hour conversation with the Fabulous yesterday afternoon in which we clarified/unified our vision for The Project, went over our strengths and weaknesses, what each of us could bring to the table.
Mostly, it's been a lot of talk, this Project. But we work alike, and I feel like this thing is gathering steam... and when it takes off it's going to practically run on it's own. It doesn't feel like the kind of thing that will sputter and die. If anything, both of us are so careful about it, as if we're holding it back so that it won't take off before we're ready.
Which sort of causes a stillness in my soul. I realize the possibility that a lot of what I feel about him is probably tied more to the fact that we inspire each other than to anything else. The possibility is that at some point our paths will diverge. Our lives are so different, our worlds so far apart. I steel myself for the possibility of diverging paths, since that's what usually happens. But damned if I don't want it to...
Yesterday was a Snow Day in the city. The Mayor closed the schools. I was up at like 3 or 4 in the morning, and had seen the storm blow in, but the plows were out. It would have been pretty inconvenient to go in to the City, but it was doable. But at 6A when I got up and turned on the news, the Mayor called it--no school. There hasn't been a snow day here in about 10 years.
So I went back to bed... The Sun woke up at about 9--
"Aren't we going to school?"
"Look out the window," I said.
He was overjoyed. It was his 10th birthday.
Had I had the money, I'm sure I would have had a whole other plan about how his birthday should go. Even without money, I tried to pull something off. On Sunday I'd gone food shopping with Shoefly and her neighbor, spending a little over $100. I mean, it needed to be spent but it took about all I had. But I had a check I hadn't cashed and the plan was for me to go to the local mall out here and get the Sun some skinny jeans from JC Penny and a cool shirt so that he'd have something cool to wear on his birthday. We're big on "birthday outfits" in the family. It was also supposed to be Picture Day at school.
But when I got the mall, the ATM machine ate my debit card... so I couldn't deposit the check or pull out any money. I should have gone home... but I was determined to do something for the Sun, so I pulled out my birthday Gift Certificate and went to JC Penny.
The next morning when school was snowed out I kind of laughed to myself... I could have saved the gift certificate for that facial I need, but on the other hand, the Sun loved waking up to his new clothes. He's getting to "that stage" where looks and style matter.
I made him pancakes with chocolate syrup, and because both his parents had to work, the Moon came over. They sat on the couch and played video games. Later, I took them to the little mall hoping to get my debit card back (they didn't have it... grrr...) but I pulled out some money and took the boys to Game Stop. The Sun got to pick two games and he and the Moon played some demo games while they were there. On the way home I asked him what he wanted for dinner--pasta--so that's what we had. Along the way I texted his dad so that he could share in the birthday.
Being friends with SD is so much easier than being at war with him. I still worry about him thinking we'll get back together, because I really don't want that to happen. Just too much water under the bridge. But our Child-In-Common has changed us both for the better, made us both strive for better in ourselves, and being able to share with him all the wonderful things our son is, is a good thing. Neither one of us gets annoyed when the other brags about "my kid." And SD has grown tremendously. Up until recently he has been seeing a psychologist... the same doctor he saw during the trial. I only found out because he mentioned in a conversation last night about how he'd gone to see his doctor before his benefits ran out, and how much he liked the guy. Which made me so happy. There used to be times when I'd pray SD would go talk to someone, but I was convinced his cultural heritage would prevent it.
The Sun said he had the best birthday ever. It's the little things that count... kind of like the jar of peanutbutter that I wanted when I was 12.
And his "Perfect Day" reminded me to listen to God... because I had wanted to do other things for my kid to celebrate his double-digit day and make it memorable. And despite whatever I tried, it worked out to be everything a 10 year old boy really wants. Lots of snow. No school when there's supposed to be school. Pancakes with chocolate syrup. A best friend to play video games with. A trip to pick out whatever game he wanted. Skinny jeans, a dragon shirt and a hoodie (red and black). Pasta. Brownies. He didn't care that there wasn't lots of presents or sushi or a cake with candles.
I have been feeling it's obvious I'm not hearing the message I'm being sent, and lately, this week in particular I'm trying to let go of what I want and accept what it is I need.
I want to be in love, I want a partner. I want my Ride or Die so bad I can taste it... but trying to fulfill that want is what got me into trouble with Tom Cat.
When what I need is get myself in gear, create, write, raise my kid. Sustain myself financially. What I need is inspiration, faith in myself again.
What I need is to pay the fucking rent.
But maybe I'm finally getting somewhere...
In other news, Poppy still hurts. I realized this morning that thing I have, to want to sleep trouble away, is hereditary. So Poppy hurts, and he just wants to sleep it away. It's making BigBear frustrated, and tired. The Professor worries. The chain reaction is something happens, BigBear calls the Professor. The Professor then calls me with The Worst Case Scenario and my reaction is to just either get mad or want to hide. I know I should be more active. More on point. I'm sorry that I can't be. There's a lot of stuff in life I can handle but watching Poppy hurt is very very hard for me. In other times, other phases of my life I would just shut down and be completely unemotional about it, the way I was when the building fell on the Professor and the Diva. At that time, I just picked up and moved out... moved to New Jersey. This time, not only can I not physically go anywhere, I can't really shut it off. And I don't want to... but it's hard. Poppy's pain makes me tired.
This morning, when the Professor called to tell me he was having a rough morning and BigBear was in tears and that the Professor was probably going to leave work and take him to ER, I lay in bed half asleep, steeling myself for the worst. I can't imagine life without Poppy. But like the Professor wrote the other day, to see him hurting is worse than anything and I'd rather have him be free of that than keep him here. I tried to imagine what life would be like without him. I know we'd be OK. I know that life will continue on the way it is, just with a big, gaping hole.
But... within the hour things seemed to improve; BigBear went to work, the Professor stayed at work. And I stayed here to work although it's noon and all I've done is write.
But I needed to. I needed to write out where I'm at, cuz there's other things I need to write about...like how disturbed I am watching the Chris Brown / Rhianna tragedy play out but I have to do it later...