...but wait, maybe they are really questions.... like....
- why is it that when you start to "reorganize" things look worse than when you started???? My monitor died. It prompted some pulling out of computer equipment from under my desk which in turn prompted some vacuuming which in turn prompted the realization that the monitor was deadern'a doornail which prompted the thought that perhaps it's time to finally go Mac for my creative shit which next prompted the idea that I should begin to consolidate and back up the equipment I do have which next prompted me trying to organize my desk which prompted the realization that a folding "shaker-style" bookcase I had laying around would make a pretty good hutch if placed on top of my desk. Except that meant I need to reorder some stuff and clean out some files and now my corner is just a fucking shambles.
- why is that when I start a project I can't really finish it???? This prompted the thought that I think I really do have adult ADD. I always thought that it was that I worked in circles, but now I realize I just have ADD with a touch of OCD. So if I'm not completely consumed I lose interest quickly. Shit. I texted this revelation to the Fabulous: "I think I have ADD."
And he texted back "You do :)". Which in turn prompted the question
- what the hell kind of a relationship is it when you only text each other? And why am I so addicted to his? I kind of don't mind that we don't talk on the phone that often. As I remarked earlier I'm not a huge phone person anyhow. And when ever the Fabulous and I DO get on the phone, no shit we stay on the phone at least 4 hours. Which is why I don't call him. And it's usually me who calls anyhow... but I just don't have that kind of time. But if I don't get texts from him I get distraught. It's like having a Jiminy Cricket. And we have these elaborate and intricate text conversations, in which all kinds of deep artistic insights are revealed. I enjoy the hell out of him. And there are times when I miss him terribly. But organizing the time to see him and crossing boroughs to meet somewhere always seems so daunting. And I wonder why it is that whenever he shows up in my life it's usually when my life is in complete disarray, and while I have no problem dragging other people in my shit, for some reason I always feel incredibly guilty at the thought of dragging him in. And so I never do. I dunno. I worry that my need to "clean up" is a time waster and that I'll lose him again to some dark-eyed Spanish chick who's name starts with "M" (cuz that's usually what happens) and that thought really distresses me. Yet, the thought of having a REAL everyday physical relationship is kind of like having the thought of getting into a work groove; I can't do shit until I clean up my desk. So then I wonder... suppose I never clean up my desk? What then?
- why is it that when it rains it pours? When you're broke is when shit breaks down??? I can't use my washing machine for heavy duty anymore... which requires $10-15 I don't have to go to the laundromat. The spring in the dishwasher hinge broke the other day, and this reminded me that the 10+ year old appliance is probably due to break down ANY SECOND. And I don't use the dishwasher all that much, but when I do it's cuz I really need to. And then of course my monitor just DIED. Just went black. I had two PC's hooked up to that monitor, and I can't see shit/can't get the networks started/can't find or print my resume... which I need to do since CNC actually got me a lead on a job. Shit.
- why does it feel like there is never enough time in the day? Why am I so overwhelmed??? Maybe I really do have ADD. Can you develop ADD in your adult life if you didn't have it before???? Or did I always have it? And just never figured it out?