I Really Wonder Sometimes

why the very ones who swear that they are honest and true are the ones who are the biggest liars? Seriously. How hard is it to be honest?

But then again...

I figured out, as I went along in this thing called life, that to be truly honest requires being honest with yourself first. You have to know where you stand, what you stand for. What you want. And to be fair it IS hard. It's a lot easier to promise someone the world because at the time you probably mean it... have the best intentions cuz you get caught up in the moment, or can't say "no", or whatever. But then at some point you realize you've lied to your self.

My problem was I never had a problem saying "no". In fact, growing up, "no" was usually my first reaction to anything. I distinctly remember being about two years old in Paris, and suddenly getting a bug up my ass about something and just feel "no" wash over me. "Come on, LittleGirl, it's time to go" BigBear would say. And something about the lights or the mood or the place that I was in would make me decide that I didn't want to leave or walk or cooperate... and I'd stand there and say "no!"

People ask me to do something and my first reaction is to say "no." I figured out, with some time, that saying no immediately gave me space to think about whether or not I really wanted to do that which was being asked of me... so I rarely got caught in situations I didn't want to be in. If you say "yes" right away you're stuck. But if you say "no" right away, people usually look at you, stricken, and then proceed to try to convince you why you should say "yes". Sometimes their reasons are good and they can persuade you. Sometimes their reasons only reinforce your gut feeling. If you change your mind and say "yes" everyone feels good, too.

Though that's not really how I figured out how to be honest with myself... but I'm thinking maybe it's a natural tendency that lends itself to being honest with yourself.

I also can't ever do anything halfway. And because of that I often stop to think about whether it's worth the aggravation and heartache to make something work, before I get into it. Cuz otherwise it's not really worth the time and attention it's going to take.

And I don't know if that's necessarily how I figured out how to be honest with myself, either...

Cuz I've lied to myself plenty of times. Gave myself the snowjob on many occasions. But I've been through a lot of shit and I think an awful lot, and those Voices I got chatter on relentlessly, and through it all I've learned to listen to myself. And I've learned that it's far better to be honest with yourself, even if it means some pain on the front end... than to get caught up in something you don't really want and suffer on the back end.

And sometimes, quite honestly, you know a thing is no good for you/won't work for you long term/is gonna suck when it's done, and you know damn well you shouldn't do it... but you also know damn well you're going to do it anyway cuz at the moment it feels hellagood.

And if you know that shit up front... why not say so??? And I usually do. I wear my heart on my sleeve; live my life out loud. But other motherfuckers? They just don't.

Pisses me the fuck off.

Oh and something that pisses me off even more than people who lie to themselves/you. When you ask a direct question and they give you NO answer. Not a vague answer... not a bullshit answer. But no answer. Act like you didn't ask the question. And let me tell you... not answering a question I've asked only pisses me off the more, and it makes me determined to harass the shit out of you. Forever, fucker. I'll never ever let you live that shit down... even if I've "re- friended" you and act like I'm over it. I'm not. I'm gonna fuck with you just because I can...


Amy said…
In response to your first question - it's not really that surprising. Remember "The lady doth protest too much...." People who swear something is true tend to make my bullshit detector beep.
Rachel said…
ITA with Amy. People who are honest take it as a given. It wouldn't occur to them to state the obvious.

and I also TA that non-answers are far worse than the answer you'd rather not hear.
im the opposite - my gramps always siad i nneed to learn how to say no

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