OH ISH

Fuck.

I think it's happening again.

This time much much more slowly and with less fanfare but it's definitely happening. And I'm so very tired of it all blowing to hell and I don't want to fuck it up but I dunno. And this time there is so much more at stake.

I came THIS CLOSE this past weekend to doing my usual "jumping-in-with-all-four-feet" thing... but I kept having flashbacks to a scrub. So I decided to wait... so that I could be sure of what I was doing.

Yesterday it clicked, and I knew I could walk away. I could leave Las Vegas behind. It's sad... so very very sad. Cuz for a week I believed in the impossible, for a month I believed in fairy tales. And for a few months afterward my world was inkyblack.

Saturday evening the Peeps and I went to the Thunderbird Social at the American Indian Museum. It was like a family reunion. The Indian from 125th Street. The lady I run into on 104th Street and Madison. Eagle Eye. The IronFeather Drum Circle. Mima. And others. I didn't dance, but I sat with the Sun and watched... absorbing the vibe, loving the flow.

I'd had a "crazy" the Friday before, really hurting, really fighting the blackness... and so I'd asked the Fabulous to just go out and be friends, cuz he always makes me feel good.

We met at the Museum and hitched a ride with the folk to Times Square. We talked, and looked up and saw it was 12:30; we had to pay our tab cuz the kitchen was closing. We talked, we couldn't get another beer because it was 2A and the bar was closing. We walked around the corner and discovered one of the last vestiges of Old New York... a tiny bar with an old ass bartender chick, a huge jukebox, a pay phone, and the walls and bar covered in pictures of prizefighters. And they served cheap booze. We talked, we played with his iPhone and looked up and saw it was 4A and we were getting kicked out again.

So he brought me home. And we talked and looked up and it was almost 7A.

And that's all there was. Except the glow has lasted all week... but I don't believe in Fairy Tales anymore, and I can't go through that inkyblack shit again cuz this time I may not survive it.

I can remember stories, those things my mother said
She told me fairy tales, before I went to bed
She spoke of happy endings, then tucked me in real tight
She turned my night light on, and kissed my face good night
My mind would fill with visions, of perfect paradise
She told me everything, she said he'd be so nice
He'd ride up on his horse and, take me away one night
I'd be so happy with him, we'd ride clean out of sight
She never said that we would, curse, cry and scream and lie
She never said that maybe, someday he'd say goodbye

The story ends, as stories do
Reality steps into view
No longer living life in paradise - of fairy tales - uh
No, uh - huh - mmm - mmm

She spoke about happy endings, of stories not like this
She said he'd slay all dragons, defeat the evil prince
She said he'd come to save me, swim through the stormy seas
I'd understand the story, it would be good for me
You never came to save me, you let me stand alone
Out in the wilderness, alone in the cold

My story end, as stories do
Reality steps into view
No longer living life in paradise - no fairy tales - yes

I don't look for pie up in the sky, baby
Need reality, now, said I
Don't feel the need to be pacified, don't cha try
Honey, I know you lied

You never came to save me, you let me stand alone
Out in the wilderness, alone in the cold
I found no magic POTION, no horse with wings to fly
I found the poison apple, my destiny to die
No royal kiss could save me, no magic spell to spin
My fantasy is over, my life must now begin

My story end, as stories do
Reality steps into view
No longer living life in paradise - no fairy tales - eh,
hey, hey - eee - mmm, mmm
Lord have mercy - ooo
ooo - mmm - oh Lord

-Anita Baker, "Fairy Tales"