I'm So Far Behind Myself

and I was seriously doubting my abilities, but two parents today assured me it's not just me. One of them was OneHalf, who I admire cuz she seems like she's got her shit together most days. She's a little crazy, yes, which is why I get along with her, but she's got the OtherHalf and she's got a MIL, and she's got two beautiful kids and her own home and is always up to something.

But she has a "thing" with the laundry, and the night before we had to leave for DC she texted me cuz she knew I was up. She was in the Laundromat with clothes. It was 1A. We had to be at Opus at 7A. Not a good look. And today she needed me to meet her to walk her lovely little BouncyGirl into Opus for rehearsal cuz she was in the laundromat again with 7 bags of laundry. And as much as I wished I could help her, I couldn't cuz I myself was running late to get the Sun to violin.

And while at Opus I ran into another father with his lovely two who was beyond stressed and feeling overwhelmed by life. And he's got a wife. And they both have jobs.

And I'm a single chick with no job so I guess I'm doing OK.

But I'm so fucking far behind myself I could scream.

But I wanted to say that throughout the whole period of time between the election and the inauguration, I've been holding my breath. Waiting to exhale. And yesterday, once he was sworn in I could breathe. I could believe. There's a man in the White House who's brown like me. Who's of mixed heritage like my Sun. But the hugeness of it still didn't dawn on me till this morning when CNN cut away from it's rehash of the previous day, because The President was speaking.

Holy Fuck but the President is my color. Ain't that some shit?

The Gollums are still slithering and hissing and saying they're not racist, but it's so pathetic now I don't even really feel compelled to defend our President anymore. Something tells me he can take care of himself.

But to me, the bestest part of the best day ever was the first dance by the Presidential couple. Wow. A love like that comes once in a lifetime. I don't think you can fake a moment like that. Watching them dance was like watching your favorite couple on their long-awaited wedding day, and knowing they'd be together forever. President? The greatest achievement a person in this country could ever have... but love like that is priceless. I'd take that over anything else any day. I was screaming and jumping and crying till the Sun grabbed me and sat me down. "It's OK, mom! Calm down!"

At :30 seconds into the dance, the look on his face takes my breath away, and at :33 seconds he says to her "How 'bout this?"

I hope he's a great President. I hope he can help to fix the economy, get jobs and industry going again, make health care easy to obtain. I hope he can fulfil at least some of his campaign promises, and I hope that he exceeds all expectations. Not because he's brown like me, but because this country needs him to be a great President.

But what I hope for more than anything is that he makes love cool again. That folk will look at him and her and realize that love is worth trying for, worth believing in, that family is essential to individual success. That our children need family. Need love...

So speaking of which SD and I are getting along famously, which I don't mind, but I'm starting to feel the walls close in again on me and I'm scared. He lost his job out there in Cali... terminated cuz he's now Vice President of his Union and is trying to organize the people (Yes, you read that right... SD. Who'da thunk it). I hope he's got enough out there to stay for, cuz God knows my worst nightmare is that he'll think there's something here in NY to come back to... and I don't mean his kid.

I don't want it. I lived it. I worked through it, I survived it and I know people grow and change but I don't want it.

Ugh. And what I do want? Just when I think I'm good and can handle not having it something happens. I know I felt like this before until something came along to distract me... but this one is dangerous. I've got to pull myself together and grab a hold of my life... have to remind myself and steel myself to focus on me and mine. Before I lose everything.