The Mountains Shook, The Earth Trembled.....

...Tim Russert dropped dead at his desk on Friday (which oddly enough I feel... I really liked watching him as a newscaster and he was one of the few Sunday morning political newsmags I could tolerate--and I always felt like I understood what he was talking about) and I had a 10-15 minute conversation--civil one--with none other than TF.

Yep, folks you read that right. And it's not even New Moon. But I did realize later that it was Friday the 13th.

I haven't posted since Tuesday for no other reason than time simply sped up. I guess it started with me finding out through the Sun that his father was beginning to make his CA trip arrangements and planned to have the Sun fly out to Cali with a friend. Sun said "and I'm OK with this!" and I said "yeah, but I'm not" and promptly fired off an email asking TF "Do you really trust this person with the life of your kid?" and "You dare to question what I do???" and told him that I intended to fly out with the Sun.

He wrote me back one of his longer emails and while he was obnoxious and obtuse I kind of got from the tone of it that he actually understood where I was coming from but he didn't change his position.

I wrote him back more calmly, explaining that while I understood his reasons, and while I didn't doubt the trustworthiness of his friend, I would not feel comfortable having the Sun travel without a family member. I told him I even took an informal poll... most moms' I spoke to wouldn't do it either. Therefore, I wanted to fly out with him. I told him that honestly, God forbid the worst case scenario should happen a blood relative needs to be there. I asked him to split the fare.

Long story short, despite several decent phone conversations over the past two days, I'm still fucked. Still on the losing end. Because he refused 1.) to concede that he was wrong to open his fat mouth and offered to pay a fucking friend's way, instead of mine, 2.) he even went so far as to (nicely) refuse to even book my ticket. Thank God for parents, but it really sucks that at 43 I should be able to do things like this for my parents, rather than have to ask them to do it for me. So far I only booked the trip out till I figure out what to do. (Hey, anybody want to come with me? and pay the hotel?) I can't afford to stay... nor do I want to despite an invitation to stay in a hotel and have breakfast... or fly out from LAX and be driven there cuz it's cheaper. Most likely, I'm going to fly to Cali, walk my kid to the gate, and turn around and get right back on the fucking plane.

Bye-bye, whatever plans I had to do anything "extra" this summer, cuz this trip is going to wipe me out.

And I did take an informal poll amongst several moms... some I know well, some not so well. Every one of them said the same thing; they would not feel comfortable putting their kid on a five hour flight with someone they barely knew. Just to double check myself, I even asked Nene, who's response was "hell no".

I'm just fed up. Fed up with life, fed up with men. Fed up with the fact that 7 fucking years later I'm still on the losing end of whatever arrangements get made with TF in regard to my kid, because we just don't see eye to eye. I'm mad at God. Seriously. I can't catch a break. Shoefly and the Professor both are like "You're a better mom than me, I wouldn't let him go". What they don't understand is.... there is no choice. To refuse a trip starts another war. And after 7 fucking years in family court with a bunch of assholes who are only looking at what's on paper, I'm done. I'm done fighting. I don't have it in me. If I never see the inside of Bronx Family Court again it'll be too soon. And I know if I get into another fight with TF I'm just going to put out a contract and be done with it. So... I just have to suck it up and deal.

Just to add to me feeling completely overwhelmed, Nene started to change his tune mid-week. And said that if he ever changed his mind about babymama I'd be the first to know. Hadn't he told me that? Um, no, you didn't. But what does it matter? I told him one of the reasons I needed to remove myself was that I know how this is going to go. There is "something" there with us... and because there is "something" as long as I'm around there will be something for her to pick up on. And she will pick up on it, and once she's in position to call him on stuff she will... and if she ever crosses my path with some bullshit I'm going to light into her with both feet. He asked if I would lose my cool enough to blow him out of the water and I said that I have amazing self control. Most likely I would have enough restraint not to say something really ghetto like "Whatever, bitch, I still fucked your man and did it better than you" cuz that would make his life difficult... but you just never know. Sometimes my vision goes black and my ears start to buzz and my mouth starts spewing before my mind catches up. And so I need to not be around. Cuz already, I feel myself and my resolve slipping. Luckily, the Sun will be away for two weeks soon and that will give me some time to think, to disappear.

Out of the blue, someone I know asked me rather hesitantly out on a date. Funny. I definitely am more comfortable around people I know, so when the person asked, it was easy to say yes. There's an attraction, to a degree... he's a nice-enough looking dude and funny, and sort of laid back but he's also "too close to home" --like WAY too close to home but you know me. That's what I do. Shit where I eat. Except this person is a little too into casual flirtations so I know it couldn't go too far. But we went out. And I had a really nice time... it was nice to be taken out... by someone who drives and so could take me home... was comfortable in all kinds of surroundings. It was flattering to feel a slight nervousness on his part because he admitted to trying to impress me. And he was pretty clear on his intentions.

But he's no Nene. And I don't mean that as in I'm comparing him to Nene in an effort to not be into him. It's just I realized something... I was fucked from the very beginning with Nene because it was a completely different feeling. And despite whatever I may have told myself and others early on about it only being a bootycall, or that it was no big deal and merely flattering to be able to go out with someone that much younger than me, there was an intensity from the very beginning and had I been thinking properly (or dated more often and therefor more familiar with the process) I really should have just let it alone. I should have known my feelings were already too intense. And I also realized that I am what I am..... an all-or-nothing chick. "Don't be so all-or-nothing" the Professor said. "Just have fun" said Shoefly. "Do you think you can be involved with someone and not get attached?" asked my date.

To the Professor I bristled (but it wasn't at her- merely that I am accepting of what I am and I'm not going to change) that I AM all-or-nothing. To Shoefly I said in this particular case it will be easy because truly, the gates are down. To my date I said "I can't be around anyone for long if I'm not attached."

I got asked out again on Saturday night, and was pretty much OK to go. But then it rained. It's been blistering hot all week. Wednesday night some kind of pseudo-tornado roared through the city--from Manhattan up through the Bronx, uprooting trees and tearing off branches. Thursday morning all over the city both private companies and the Parks Department were sawing up huge chunks of tree. The Sun and I were late getting back from karate that night, and just as we were settling into the bedtime routine I heard this amazing, indescribable noise and looked out the window to see ginourmous trees bending sideways, and anything not nailed down blowing down the street. People were yelling and trying to get to safety. The wind continued about 15 or 20 minutes, followed by thunder and lightening and rain... but the weather didn't really break. Last night it did; buckets of rain and lots of thunder and something about all that rain shifted my emotions around.

I suddenly found myself inordinately annoyed at all the attention I was being paid because it always starts out that way... fast and furious and intense. You get sucked in thinking "oh this is interesting" and then once you get wrapped up... it suddenly cools. They get busy. Or distant. Or accuse you of being clingy. And start saying shit like "Oh, but I always told you I wasn't into being committed" and you find yourself saying "but it was so intense I thought you'd change your mind." Fuck that. This time I'm not doing that. So I told him no... I was staying home. And I've no regrets...

I didn't get anymore sleep, though; matter of fact I've been pretty sleepless the entire week. It's just I can't stay awake long enough to write coherent sentences, but then I wake up to surf the web and next thing I know the birds are chirping.

So, I've griped.

Nice things that happened this week were that I discovered a comment on a post of mine from Miss MoodMagicBarbie herself... it had been a sleepless night and it's the one thing that made me laugh the entire time. Not only that she decided to come out of lurkdom to make a comment, but that she's apparently been lurking a minute and doing some occasional blogging herself. Funny little girl.

On Friday I got to meet the Sun's school at the beach again, this time with the Moon, and the FatLady and her daughter Sugar weren't on the trip (the boys in her class are too rowdy) but LilacBlue and Whitehorse were there... and we spent a really relaxing time sitting in the Sun. Unfortunately, I'm not used to the English half of the Moon's skin, and so I feel responsible for the rather nasty sunburn he got. But we had a great time.

I've been working out still, which is a big deal for me. Usually I've quit by now. I think I lost about 4 lbs, and it's been so hot I've been content to eat lightly. And it's hurting less and less the next day. And I even got a compliment from Little Sensei that I was getting better. And I worked on forms with the kids yesterday and kept up even though I have a lousy sense of direction...

maybe one day I'll be able to get in a ring and beat somebody's ass. It'll make me feel better.


Julie said…
All I'm going to say is that at some point or another you're going to have to stop protecting yourself.

When you shut people out to stop them from doing bad, you never give them the opportunity to do good.

Stop looking for that other shoe to drop before it's even been taken off.
The Bear Maiden said…
That, my dear, is going to take some major prescriptive medication, since for the last 10 years or so of dealing with TF, it's been all about anticipating the other shoe. And there was ALWAYS the other shoe. Slapping you upside the head when you least expected it... even if you had prepared yourself.
Julie said…
Well, even thought there are a hell of a lot of messed up men out there - the majority of them are NOT TF!!

Really. Believe that. Because if you keep looking for all men to behave like him, then he really has gotten the best of you. What he would love, more than anything else (other than having you all to himself) is for you to spend your life alone. And by expecting all men to act like him, and protecting yourself from letting that happen - you are giving him just what he wants.

Let someone in - if for no other reason than it would piss off TF.
The Bear Maiden said…
I did let someone in... I can do that tho it takes time. And then it takes too long get them out, like now. I'm just saying the date isn't going to be let in. At least not for a while. I have my reasons.
live life to the fullest for it is never promised

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