Do Ya Miss Me?

I miss me! I miss writing, too.

Apparently, bad things happen when I don't get to write... I'm almost embarrassed to admit it but I blew up at one of my client's on Tuesday. The big-paying one. Not cool. I ended up sending an apology for losing my temper, and in proper apology etiquette didn't put any "buts". However, on my own damn blog I'll say I think my anger was justified and I was not wrong and had been sitting on a kettle of frustration since the project began. However... it's never cool to lose your temper like that.

But it's funny how little things can just strike that match... there was some issue on timing of delivery... and at one point the client tried to blame my timing as a reason for a delay, without at all acknowledging several other important factors, and for a split second I found myself crouched in "Battle TF" mode... as in... documenting my every move as proof that I was doing/saying what I said I was doing/saying... and I felt that whiteheat of a struck match... and that was it. I went off.

Later on, I sent an email to apologize, but neither of the people involved have responded. One is away at a conference, and the other, well, I stopped by her office yesterday and poked my head in. She wasn't being very friendly, but she hadn't been all that trusting of me to begin with.

Whatever. It's the reason I work freelance. I hate being blamed for shit I didn't do. Nobody can beat me up harder than myself if I fuck up... but I hate being a scapegoat. And I always get myself in trouble when people try to pass the buck on me... so Tuesday was yet another reason for me to try to hustle harder.... but I'm scared. The hustling part is the second hardest part for me... the third part is getting people to understand the value of what I do and paying me for it. On time. The easy part is doing the work. That bullshit about "do what you love and the money will follow" is bullshit.

*sigh*. Sucks to be me.

And speaking of "Battle TF" , stormclouds are brewing as he apparently sent one of his famously loving/"speak well of my child's mother" emails to none other than the Sun's teacher, who approached me a little confused and wide-eyed as to what to say. I had to laugh. When he first met with her, her beauty tamed him momentarily and she had walked away from the meeting with the false sense that he was OK. Ha ha, poor thing. I told her not to take it personally, just respond the best way she saw fit and just let me know what she said, so that when it got turned around in court I'd know how to respond.

And I think he's on disability... which sucks because at some point he's probably going to end up in arrears in child support, unless he heals quickly.

And I didn't get the two weeks back from unemployment, the fuckers. The government sucks.

On another note... Poppy's picture retake is on. He got browbeat into it, as I contacted the publicist involved to find out the timing and found out I had some time. The Diva is going to style the shoot. She told him she didn't care what he liked to wear or didn't like (he refuses to wear any other colors but red, yellow, blue and purple; he refuses to wear collared shirts, and he refuses to wear neckties); she was buying stuff that he'd try on and he could keep what he liked but was getting his picture taken the best way he looked. So all this is set up for Sunday... which means I need to seriously clean my apartment. It's bad, even by my standards.

And lastly... I've just been alternately dismayed/disgusted/worried/disappointed/hopeful by the Democratic Primary bullshit. I'm still pulling for my man Obama; I still think he's held on to his integrity despite having a shitload of bullshit thrown at him.

And not for nothing... if the worst things they can pull out on him are Jeremiah Wright (and I have a whole theory about that but I have to leave that for later), that's not bad, considering. Other politicians have dirty deals and prostitutes in their closets, and so far, none of these have really jumped out of Obama's closet (knock wood). I mean really, Obama had already distanced himself from Wright, had already stated his position several times... and I get so confused by this American bullshit of "Freedom of Speech" because basically it appears that means you're free to say whatever you like, provided you're politically correct and espousing a right-wing conservative Christian point of view. Otherwise, you're unpatriotic.

I try not to be polarizing cuz it's not what I want to be... but I could spout off on some shit once in a while that would probably make me seem very unpatriotic and yet I proudly say I'm an American and could live no other place for long... I'm on an email list from my old High School, and got an email that was so Christian in it's point of view, and so denouncing of every other view, that I was compelled to write back that as a non-Christian, I saw the information in an entirely different way. Needless to say, there was no response back. Out of like, 100 people.

But anyway... the point is, Reverend Wright is free to say anything he wants to. Believe anything he wants. This is America, right? And Obama says he doesn't agree... cuz this is America, right? He has that right. So um, why do they keep associating the two because of past history?

Pisses me the fuck off. Now, I REALLY hope he wins. But I still wonder if he can pull it off....

I started working out. BigBrotherSensei said I had a lifetime paid membership, and LittleBrotherSensei spotted my gi (though I bought him a DVD to in return) so I've worked out a few times already. Yesterday was THE WORST as my legs felt like lead. I've got some weird burning nerve sensation inside my hips when I try to do leg raises, but I'm workin' it! And my kicks are still good. Another mom in the group who has a similar (h)"ex" to bear as me, was spotting me the other day. "Just Focus" she said "You know who to visualize" and I knocked her back a good couple of inches, and the little girl behind me in line giggled. I laughed too... but um, was mildly freaked out at the intensity I could muster just by thinking of TF. This is gonna be fun.

And lastly, since I may not get to spew for a minute... I still have THAT toothache. It sucks because its SO illogical, and in my mind I keep repeating "it's not logical, it will never work, get over it". And I almost caved but I didn't, and I probably won't cuz I can feel the metal gates clicking in gear. So I know I won't cave, not unless something momentous happens, which I'm not getting the feeling it will. Because it would be illogical and it would never work, and so I must get over it. I think I'll get my tongue pierced as a distraction.