I Still Have a Headache

I sat down yesterday evening with the Sun and read him the entire order. It's his life... what's written affects him more than anyone else. He was OK with most of it, though as predicted he was none too happy about Christmas, and wasn't too happy about alternating Thanksgiving.

I told him well, whatever you want, you tell me and I'll fight for you but you'll have to be sure it's what you want. So what he wants is Christmas Eve at Titi's, and then the day with his Da. I said when the time comes, we'll deal with it. As for Thanksgiving, we'll see how that works. Maybe we can still split the day...

I also gave him the whole overview of why we were in court, and how the paper work went... I told him that the nastiness is totally between his father and me, but that I want him to know how I feel so that if go off one day he'll at least understand how I feel. But I told him again he shouldn't take MY feelings as his feelings. I think he's doing a pretty good job of that, actually. He still loves his Da. Still enjoys time with him.

Personally, I hate The Fucker. And I don't think I'll ever feel differently.

So then I had another email:

> -------Original Message-------

From: TF
To: me
Subject: (none)

If what you meant when you said "you started it" with a lovely smile that this was some kind of game to you, Fine, you won, you defeated me, you’re the best. Now lets give the Sun the parents he deserves. He needs both parents. Joshua needs both of us to communicate so he understands and sees that we can put our differences aside because we love him. If you truly wish for the Sun to grow up whole, i am asking for you think about what you want for him then let me know.

-----Original Message-----
From: me
To: TF
Subject: Re: (none)

I want for The Sun to grow up to be a good man; one that can control his temper, one who thinks before he speaks, one who is kind and patient and loving, who respects authority but doesn't fear authority. A man who is not afraid to take chances, or to stand up for what he believes in. A man who doesn't follow blindly, but is wise enough to look around him before he makes a decision. A man who is capable of defending himself but secure enough in himself so that he doesn't have to defend himself, and one who is strong enough to avoid confrontation unless it is necessary. A man for whom actions will speak louder than words, and yet his words are powerful. A man who is educated, loves music, his family, his God and respects his wife and children.

-----Original Message-----

From: TF
To: me
Subject: (none)

Who will teach him ?

Ugh.

I'm not answering because again, he's trying to draw me into a conversation, and I profoundly have no interest in continuing a dialog with him. None. I don't give a fuck what he thinks or what he feels, and I don't want to share anything about how I feel with him. He's my kid's dad and I respect that... I will acknowledge that despite the initial hell he gave me about being pregnant (and trust me... shit like "Can you hide that?" pointing to my belly... you know that has longterm effects on a person) once the Sun came along he stuck around and has a genuine affection for the kid. But he made my life miserable, tried to get everybody in my family to think I was mean and a bitch and not being understanding of his psychotic ass, fuck him. I don't want to talk anymore.

So I haven't answered him. I'm sure that'll go over real well. I'm fucked if I do and fucked if I don't.