Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Consider The Possiblity

...is what I wish folk would do sometimes when I tell them something. Just listen. Think about it.

Trust me.

Which of course no one does, and why should they? People are liars, and self-serving. The minute someone says "trust me" I immediately don't. So I can't blame them.

But they should consider what I say because I'm not always right, but frequently I am.

I had a dream on the plane coming back from Peru. The trip back was much harder than the trip in... we were tired, we had been made an offer we couldn't refuse by accepting a later, direct flight at midnight instead of the one-stop flight we were in the airport to board at 7AM on Friday.

We had a good rest at the Thunderbird Hotel in Miraflores, the Sun and I lounging on a king sized bed with fluffy white duvet, taking turns in the jacuzzi and watching the flat screened TV. We had an amazing lunch and dinner, but dinner ran a little late and we left for the airport stressed.

The airport was just as packed at 9P as it was at 7A that morning, and then we saw our midnight flight was delayed by an hour. One of the little ones burst into tears and the older ones looked stressed.

Our FearlessLeader held it together until she snapped at our PeruvianFriend who then pretty much refused to have any interaction with her for the rest of the trip home. By the time we got on the plane at 2AM New York time I was drained, and passed out. I barely remember take-off.

And then I had this dream... so vivid it woke me up with a start. And when I got home, the 3rd thing I did after I walked in the door (the first being take a shower) I wrote my friend BeautifulHair:

I had a dream about you

and as I get older and learn to trust myself more, I have learned to pay attention to my dreams.

You crossed my mind before I left for Peru two weeks ago, and I saw you had "liked" a status or comment of mine but in the rush to get everything ready for the trip I didn't get it together to reach out to you.

But oddly enough I was thinking about you in Peru and it's not that there was anything in particular that reminded me of you so I dunno...

When last we wrote each other we had stuff to say to each other :) and afterwards, when you told me why you were upset at me I started really thinking about, and I confess I got annoyed all over again.

Reason being, I was hurt that you thought I would be that dismissive of you after all those years and years and years of friendship... that you would think I wasn't caring about you. You really should have given me the benefit of the doubt... you should have known that after all this time for me to drop off like that was because something was very wrong.

To say that I was suffering that summer (gosh it was 2007, right?) is an understatement. And all these years it has always been you that I relied on and borrowed from and I know how much you give to people, how much you gave to me. I needed so much and hurt so bad that I felt I would have bled you dry. I knew you had other stuff going on, how much your own family relies on you and I just couldn't ask you to go through that with me. Truly... I went through hell when I broke up with JerseyBoy... but this was 10 times worse. And I was only barely coherent in September. It really took all of that winter to start to feel better.

But I learned a lot about myself. I had to do a lot of introspection.

And I know that I am not the easiest person in the world to be friends with. I have another friend who sort of reminds me of you, and she gets mad at me about the same things you would... that I am self-centered and snappy and forgetful. And I apologize for those things and I try to compensate, and all I can ask anyone who loves me is to take and love all of me... not to separate out those infuriating things about me, and allow me to compensate and make good. Because I never forget who my friends are... and as time goes on and people fall off the ones who stick around I value all the more....

...I had a very clear dream that this girl came to me (I know her; you don't) and said that I needed to reach out to you. That you yourself were OK, but that people around you were having a hard time and suffering, and you were going through a lot on behalf of them. That you were very sad... and I saw an image of prayer beads.

Now, my dreams are weird. It's not that they are prophetic, it's just I get images of things and sometimes my timing is off. Sometimes it's something that has already happened, usually though it's something that's happening right now and only rarely is it something that is GOING to happen. But in any event, my dreams are always right. And when they are that clear I pay attention to them.

So... I just wanted to say "hi". To say that I've known you for so long and whatever transpires with us I hope that time heals. I hope that you and your family are OK but if something IS wrong and you need me, I'm here. Or if it already passed and I missed it I'm sorry... but that you still mean enough to me for me to get the message... I will always love you, always be grateful for our friendship.

...really I hope you are OK. It was weird to dream of you like that so I had to write.... cuz I'm better at writing than I am on the phone these days. I don't even check voicemail :(.

Love you always,
Me

Today, Monday was the first day of the Sun's String Camp which is put on by the celebrated and Extraordinary Gentleman Mark O'Connor. Still jetlagged and tummies slightly askew, the Sun and I were moving slow, the bus we needed never came and the trains were extra slow and so we got to the camp late. By the time we got settled it was probably 10:30 and I left the Sun in his class to go into the lounge. I checked my phone and was happy to see that BeautifulHair had written me back. She said, in part

My dear friend!! :) We have totally moved on from that!! I think the last we talked it was about your Dad because he was in the hospital. Which by the way, I hope everyone in your family is okay my love to them all! Even though we don't talk believe me you are always in my heart and I do consider you one of my dear and closest friends!!

I'm sorry myself for not being around either but it has been extremely busy. Alot of changes in regards to the job and my brother has been in the hospital since February so everyone has been sharing the load to help my parents out. He's doing better and should be out in maybe a month or two. He fell and then all these complications started happening. Your dreams are good!!! :) ... It's true - I don't really call anyone anymore either so I don't want you thinking it has anything to do with that last time. I totally understand about that summer when you went through what you did and you just don't want to deal with anyone. Believe me I've done that myself!

So.... that made me feel good. And it was good to know she'd moved past her annoyance though I was still steamed... but having said it and gotten it out of my system I'm all good. And maybe I'll even call her tomorrow if I can remember to... that and call someone who wants to buy something from me and Medicaid to see if they've reinstated the Sun (who they dropped due to their own incompetence).

It made me think of other friendships and how sometimes you still care and sometimes you just don't anymore. But BeautifulHair and I trust each other for the most part and even though every 10 years or so we've had disagreements there are certain things I know about her and that she knows about me and one of them is that we don't fuck each other's boyfriends. Never have, and never will. Men have their rules; "Bros before Hoes" being one of them... which is why it's so important to a chick friendship not to fuck with friends because the dudes in the situation will ALWAYS move on. Really because they never cared that much about the hoe to begin with. But chicks can't allow bros to do that to them. And CNC and WhiteShoes and BeautifulHair are some of the chicks who know that... which is why I've been friends with them for so long.

But more importantly that all that... the dream. To have my gut instinct or feeling be right, to have learned, finally, after many years and painful mistakes and misunderstandings that when my gut screams at me or I have vibrant and recurring dreams about someone out of the blue, or if I suddenly feel a situation is brewing, to know that I'm not just being a bitch makes me feel better. It doesn't mean people will listen to me; it doesn't mean I can prevent anything. If anything, sometimes it hurts all the more because I realize I have to withdraw from something and it bothers me to think people think I'm just being a bitch. I'm not. I'm just telling you something cuz I feel it.

And I wish folk would consider the possibility...

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