Saturday, July 3, 2010

So....

...maybe I'm starting again. In a way I am.

Seven years of my Sun's and my life intertwined in a place and a time we are no longer an everyday part of...

It was his journey, really... I was just along for the ride; the Guardian, the Keeper of his flame. But along the way I ran into my own (mis)adventures and towards the end I had to remind myself it was his story, not mine... and that my issues were not to corrupt or maim his memories, his stories.

I look forward to not being so invested in his life, his friends... I look forward to him making his own memories without me.

After my last post it took some digesting, but generally I feel clean. A weight has been lifted. I did not like the pain and the rage and the venom that was settling in. I don't do well with "frenemies." I either like you or I don't. If I don't like you I prefer that it be outright... it doesn't mean I can't sit in a room with you, or work with you, or even share a laugh. I can smile with my lips at you, keeping my eyes and my heart to myself. But I like it better when you know I don't like you, so that I'm not forced to be nicer to you than you deserve.

And after the rage and the pain was let loose, I felt... profoundly nothing. The way I did the night the Sun's dad left me on the corner of 100th Street and Madison Avenue, in front of the big hospital at midnight with no money and only a Metrocard, walking away with my Sun's hand in his hand, leaving me to fend for myself. Something snapped. A stillness... and I vowed that night to take him on, and I did. And I won. And we are peaceful now. We're even friends. I can even smile at him again, but I still keep my eyes and my heart to myself.

And all that means is the things I fought him so hard over, they no longer bother me because I no longer care. Life will go on whether he's on the good side of his mood or no. Just like that other situation. I no longer care what happens... hearts were revealed, choices made. I can move on.

On Friday, CrazyNicaraguanChick got married. She's only known him 6 months. They went to the county clerk in Rye, and married each other in presence of her children and a few close friends. Family members were unable to make it, but neither of them seemed to care much. The jury is still out on him, as far as I'm concerned, but so far he seems to be good for her. He settles her. She doesn't seem to change much when she's around him except that she's in love. And I wish her the best. And it's not the timing that makes me wary.... my parents met in April and married in December (it would have been August except there was no money), and Upstairs Neighbor married Mr. Kip in 6 weeks of meeting him. My parents have been married 47 years, and UN and Mr. Kip were married 38, until he died. So... I don't know. He seems to love her and is accepting of her insanity, and really that's all that really matters.

The night before, The Professor and I and two other girls went to her house and drank tequila with her and talked about sex and men and friendship. After the other girls left, The Professor and I walked her home and sat for a minute while she settled, leaving her sleeping on the kitchen floor.

BigMan said I came in and sat on the couch and asked him when we were getting married... but the cheap tequila makes that memory fuzzy. He then said I passed out and he carried me to bed.

I woke up the next morning OK, and got it together in enough time to go take pictures of CNC getting dressed. BigMan didn't come with me, in part to not having any money, in part because his son is here, in part because frankly I don't think he's ready to face that scenario.

Nor am I.

I love him... I am still surprised by the things he does, that he sticks by me and does dishes and vacuums and tolerates my increasingly bad PMS and counts pennies with me. But I think we have some time to go, some things to clean up before we can be comfortable marrying each other. But I do want to grow old with him.

Its weird, sometimes. When I'm with him, it's easy to be open. I can tell him anything and everything, and I do. I love that his loyalty is absolute. But sometimes when I think about him in the abstract, my guard goes up.... because there have only ever been two almost three men who have ever been to the core of me, and none of them ended well. The last one was a scrub. And this makes me afraid.

When I can get over that, that fear, is when I know we'll be OK, not because of him... but because of me.

His son is here, and that's been different. He's 16. And I don't really know16 year old boys... had he been the Sun's age or younger I'd be well within my comfort zone. But I like Bigman's Boy, a lot. His humor is dry. He doesn't get in the way. I feel bad that he's bored, and I try to give him space to know his dad without me trying to mother him.

But it's been odd to go from just me and the Sun, to me and the Sun and BigMan, to me and the Sun and BigMan and BigMan's Boy. It's an adjustment. And it doesn't help that both me and BigMan are living on the brink of complete financial ruin.

On the other hand... the fact that all of us are in here and not snapping at each other or whining... that's a pretty good thing.

The Diva is facing challenges of her own... and has been forced to leave the current boyfriend in a hurry. But I'm proud of her... she seems to be navigating her life OK.

So....

...we'll see what happens from here...

1 comment:

Big Bear said...

the diva is learning to stand on her own with her son, she took him to meet the maternal bio's, she left in good order tho there was drama..I think the Aricamerican culture lives for the drama, it's all they have, the screaming, the hitting , the braodcasting..Anyway, you good, it $ your only problem, that's a material thing, can be solved..BigMan..he's your companion and what else is there?