Thursday, April 8, 2010

YinYangGoodBadandUgly...

...and I struggle with it all.

On the whole, life is good. I love BigMan. Openly, freely, unashamedly. I trust him with my life, my passwords, my coffee, my kid. My heart. Every so often, the little thoughts creep in... how very sad I'd be if something happened and it all fell apart, how much I'd miss him, his friendship, his calm, his rational. But I don't think he's going anywhere... it feels like the real deal.

I was definitely falling previous to this past Sunday, but on Sunday he sealed his fate cuz he hung out with me, BigBear and Professor, MMB and her friend. And he drove. And it wasn't a "good" family day; the BearClan were particularly nasty and attitudenous. It was the kind of outing where had the Sun been around (he being in Cali with his dad) I would have turned and whispered to him "next time, we come by ourselves..." In fact, at one point BigMan stepped out of the car and both women jumped on me with claws and fangs and had BigMan not been coming right back I would have truly gotten out of the car and got on the subway and gone the fuck home.

"Deargod, please hurry" I texted him, but he was already on his way back to me. He handled and deflected, and didn't carry the 'tude with him and more importantly, defused me.

It was funny that my kid went off to Cali with his dad, and the very morning my kid left, his kid sailed in on a bus from PA, unannounced. And so whatever plans we had for unlimited and noisy sex in an empty apartment came to a screeching halt.

BigMan's boy is 16. A very silent and watchful 16. A struggling-with-major-decisions-16, but at least not a brooding or mean-16. The kid just doesn't talk. To his dad. At all. It bewilders BigMan and I feel for him. But the kid is actually pretty funny, and so very much like his father it's very amusing. They laugh at the same (strange) things. They have similar tart retorts. But they don't "get" each other at all... and so to ease the tension and hopefully make BigMan appear more human to his kid, I stuck around a lot. I actually like the kid... he just doesn't talk.

So it was a strange week. And I missed my boy. A lot. I missed him because I realized that in about six years, he'll go off to college and will be out partying and pimping and primping and hopefully priming himself to be an adult... and he won't call me. Or write or text. And I'm going to have to let him go and trust that he'll come back...

Despite the children, BigMan and I hung out a lot, went to a movie, walked around together, drove places in the Professor's car. It was a good week. So it was very strange to me that out of the blue I woke up one morning with very clear thoughts of the Scrub. I even had a dream about him in which I told him we'd NEVER be friends... and the dream stayed with me off and on for a day or two. It was weird because I've pretty much managed to put all that bullshit aside. Again. Despite some rather unwanted reminders. What was also strange was that previously, whenever I have clear thoughts of someone I'm compelled to reach out to them or at least have been confident that they were thinking of me too. And usually I took that to be a positive, welcomed the "visit." But this time, I don't think it's positive, and not particularly wanted. And I know I'm not crazy cuz usually when I have those very clear thoughts of someone it's because they ARE thinking about me, or my feeling about them is correct.

Case in point, the other morning I woke up feeling extremely sad, and I couldn't figure out why I felt that way. Then it dawned on me I'd dreamed about Shoefly, who's struggling with a very serious health issue that isn't going away as quickly as we'd all like. In my dream she was crying... Shoefly RARELY cries, at least that I've ever seen. The feeling was so strong I called her... twice. And I'm having serious phone phobias these days but I overcame them to call her. And it turned out last Friday she'd gone to the doctor and wasn't exactly happy with her visit. When I spoke to her she wasn't crying... but I know her well enough to know that certain things bother her more than other things and so I knew my feeling was correct...

and I don't talk much about Shoefly these days and I haven't seen much of her... but she's family and I love her to death and her health issues really worry and sadden me... I hope she licks them.

Anyway.

So yeah... an unease surrounded me about that other person, a low horrible feeling in my gut that alternately pisses me off and saddens me because I hate being right about shit I don't want to be right about, but there you go. And it bothers me that he has intruded on my thoughts. But I'm trying to get past it all... and the thing I realized is that ironically enough, BigMan is the Man the Scrub could smell like... there are enough similar traits--good traits... that I might have overlooked in BigMan had I not gone through that awful mess. And I realized that had the BigBurn not happened, I probably would have held on to some bullshit feelings and not allowed myself to fall for BigMan the way I have, but that doesn't excuse anything or make anything better. It's just life, is all. And the irony always amuses me...

Financially, I made some cash this month, but somehow I have less money than ever. Maybe because February was a short month and March is a long month but the FoodStamps ran out way quicker than normal. It sucks when your fridge is bare cuz you don't have money. I mean dumb shit like no sugar, or milk, or half-and-half or eggs. Things I need every day. Scraping together the last piece of codfish or the two franks and a can of beans. Being broke sucks ass. But I so can't fathom working for someone else. I just can't. And when ever I try to steel myself and get over myself, the thought of all the corporate backstabbing just fills me with fear. I'd rather be hungry.

Maybe I'll lose some weight.

But ironically enough stress has done the complete opposite. BigMan took some pictures of me the other day and my face (which is huge to begin with) is the size of a dinner plate. It' s not cute. I must do something about that but it's going to be harder cuz I'm older...

My foot is healing but a portion of the scar has keloided which is annoying. And my foot is allover sore but in a good, healing kind of way. It's just annoying, the soreness. And I'm not crazy about the scar but the bump is gone. I like that.

I haven't figured out how to tell the Cricket off yet or even if it's worth it to do so...

I hate not writing every day...

I'm REALLY struggling with forgiveness and trust issues and whenever I think I can, I think I can't and then I worry I'm a hard-ass but I so have learned to trust my gut that my inclination is to trust my gut...

I am not organized....

BigMan is helping me with my website, which excites me...

...life is up and down, yinyang goodbadandugly...

but overall it's OK. It could be worse...

1 comment:

Lali said...

don't think of what you may lose in the future in a "what-if" thought. keep the present and cherish it.

that second line "on the whole...." well you could have written that alone and it stands true!

i wish i was writing more daily, i started palabras de azucar hoping to do so, hoping to leave my past in domestic & single. but truth is even when i am not busy- it has been harder to share what i want via blog....


hope all is well!