Today I Force Myself

... to put something down, to make the time. It's been a week already.

Kinda sucks that all I have time to write is just what's going on... no time for pithy meanderings through the Swiss cheese tunnels in my head. No time to separate the Voices and let them free.

I am particularly unfocused these days... and it's not like I don't have a plethora of things to tackle... all of them fun for me, but I just can't grab a hold of anything.

But since I rambled on last week, maybe a good thing to ramble on is updates to the ramble.

The Scrub has thankfully receded from my thoughts. But the vividness of it all still sort of bothers me.

I'm guessing Cricket is having issues but I'm still mad at him... but I can't really do anything about it for a few days.

I'm anxiously awaiting my Federal Refund. Anxiously, because I owe so many people so much money I'm very afraid that someone is going to snatch it, the way they snatched BigMan's. He owed the State--the State came calling.

My sis wasn't "invited back" to her horrible job. I feel for her... the scenario reminded me very much of what happened to me at The Hospital. But she needed to be out. That place was toxic... And I always joke with her that like Cain and Abel, God favors her so I'm sure she'll be fine.

I... on the other hand...

Opus 118, founded by Roberta Guaspari, and who my Sun takes violin with and plays with the Ensemble, is in financial trouble. Funding has dried up. It doesn't help us AT ALL, that the much larger and older Harlem School of the Arts is folding, largely due to mismanagement. I'm kinda thing there was some mild skankiness at Opus about a year back... not by Roberta of course or the teachers. But I think some people got in and saw Opus as a business to be made glossy at the expense of what Opus was founded for... to enable Roberta to continue teaching violin in East Harlem. I think there were some folk in there who didn't really share the vision Roberta founded Opus on. But the core of who's left at Opus are die-hard... and Opus is smaller and "lighter" than HSA so I pray to God us parents and assorted friends can save her. Because Roberta needs to teach. My kid needs violin. It's his ticket to college... but it really has affected me.

It's funny, cuz I often fight the Sun for practice. And I finally got him to the place where he can find the joy:

I downloaded some sheet music for him from the song "Broken Arrow" by Nothing but Stringz... and he loved it and has been trying to work it out for two days. He can't quit violin now.... So if you haven't already and you have a dollar to throw in the pot (preferably more but whatever) please do so...

Lately I've been suffering from random bouts of physical insecurity, which is weird for me. Insecurity has never been one of my issues. But I am not at my best and BigMan gets to hang out with a lot of young, fairly dumb and attractive chicks. I sleep on none of them. I AM fairly certain I can outcook and outsex most of them... that's one very cool thing about being an OldBitch. OldBitches have skills. But I'm not diggin' the fact that I'm an OldFatBitch. And my feet hurt.

Though I went to the FootDoc today and he was most happy with the progress and the flexibility... so I can do more walking and physical stuff. Which is great cuz um, I need too.

And it's not that I DON'T trust BigMan. I just know chicks tend to get complacent and take men for granted and that's precisely when men go whoring. So I can't get complacent.

The Diva is working on her relationship still... all seems well for now. I saw her today and she reeks of cigarette smoke. I just tell her she's got to stop cuz it's all in her clothes, but that's not a judgment on her, just a fact. She took it as such. It's hard being an OldFatBitch but it's also hard to be a YoungChick, so I don't really envy her. It's hard growing up. Especially when you're growing a child at the same time...

Last Saturday the Sun and I went with Poppy to have lunch with "Carpenter Avenue Boys"... three guys he grew up with in the Bronx. It was great... four old men from very simple but very varied lives--three Italians and one BrownSkinned kid. It was great Poppy saw them because the piece that's scheduled to be in Harper's soon starts with them. And it made Poppy so happy. And I was happy to be there to take pictures:

So that's the update for now; I forced myself to write. Just to keep at it...


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