The downside to being "in a relationship" is it eats up a lot of time. And for someone who isn't great on time management to begin with, I have even less time to write.
Some highlights from the week that was (or lowlights in some cases):
- My dear friend Shoefly was diagnosed with a serious and chronic, though not-particularly-fatal health condition. It was shocking. She's always the one in control and on some health kick or other, so to see her wrestle with mortality took some getting used to. I've known her the whole time I've been out on this Rock... for a brief second as she explained what was going on I had a flash of what life would be like without her. Not at all pleasant. Without her big-sisterly-slightly-condescending-tone... where would I be? I felt horrible, too, that the one time she called me in distress I couldn't answer the call cuz I was on the phone with the Professor, who was busy telling me that
- the Diva told her her ManKid punched her in the face and told her she had to leave their apartment. The Professor had texted me at 7:13 in the morning when I wasn't awake, could the Diva stay with me till they figured out what to do. When I woke up, I texted back "yeah" but didn't want to talk to anyone till I was dressed. Cuz if I start talking to anyone in the Fam in my jammies, somehow the day escapes me. I got myself all riled up though. Abuse is not something I tolerate. But in typical BearClan fashion the drama sort of rolled away with no clear resolution. And I was mad at myself for getting riled up when I should know better.
- CNC was having some anxiety about my relationship with the BigMan, cuz she's still so sad over the loss of her mother and was relying on me for comfort, and of course BigMan entered the picture right about then. Before then we'd been hanging out A LOT and talking a lot, and BigMan sort of interrupted the flow of that. Which is always what happens when people get into a relationship. End result is that I just feel pulled... there aren't enough hours in the day for everyone so it just makes me tired.
- BigMan's BestGirl was also having some issues with the new relationship. I knew it was coming. It also makes me tired...
- and BigMan. I dunno. There are things I really like about him. There are also some things that I'm not sure I can tolerate for long. Small things that bother me because they seem the tip of an iceberg. Little things that my head says aren't a big deal and I could overlook... maybe I'm even being shallow because they bother me. And in fact it's not the issue that bothers me but the fear that there is no attempt being made at a resolution. An acceptance of certain things. I am not an accepting bitch. It's not in my make up. There's stuff I tolerate... but tolerance is not the same as accepting. Tolerance means you tolerate stuff for a limited amount of time in the hope and expectation that they will change. Acceptance means you roll over and let things be. The latter... not me. And I can already feel the icewater creeping into my veins.
Which also bothers me. Cuz I've said several times I am not consumed by him. And this is potentially a problem--for him. Cuz I know I can be a bitch and I know I have narcissistic tendencies and I try to be aware of them and I try to compensate. But my patience is short. When I'm consumed with someone I'm much more patient.
I also realize I have met him at a point in his life that is not his best point. I usually do--meet people when they are not at their best point... and that bothers me too because it means this relationship is probably more on the verge of that damn thing I have about feeling folk in distress rather than someone I'm going to have a long-term relationship with.
Except oddly enough... I'm not consumed by him. And I usually am when it's just the mental-distress thing.
- But speaking of people who are NOT in mental distress... the ParentingPartner. Holy shit but I remember all the reasons I kept getting sucked back into his hell; cuz when he wasn't in hell he was sweet and funny and cooperative. We took the Sun to violin; I'd had to spend the day in the Food Stamp office (joy!) and got done and downtown about the same time he'd gone to get the Sun from school. So I sat in a parked car with him and our child while he read the paper and the Sun did homework. And then we talked while waiting for the Sun to finish his lesson. Mainly about the Sun... about growing him, what we want for him, the things we need to work on with him. Getting him to focus. And very slowly, we are able to say to each other "remember when we...?" which is REALLY freaky. There's still a huge brick wall there... I can see it in his eyes and I know he feels it in mine. Little things, like I always sit in the back seat even though I prefer the Sun sit back there. But I don't like being that close to him.
- The parents are finally moving. My mother is a nervous wreck, my father is more touchy than ever. 30 years in the same place... they are WAY overdue. But between the Professor and I, we'll be able to make their new home very homey...
- The Sun has been playing flag football. ParentingPartner got him on a league... and my little skinny kid score two touchdowns last game! I wasn't there... my Lord standing around a cold schoolyard watching flag football is SO not my idea of fun and the beginning of many an argument between PP and me... but Poppy was. PP had taken him out. Me? I'm trying to go back to karate...