Saturday, December 19, 2009

So, Um, I'm Almost Afraid To Admit It...

...but I think I may have Fallen. Again. Admittedly, I fall easy; it doesn't take a whole lot. Really somebody just needs to be genuinely nice to me and there I go...

the difference is this time it seems to be mutual. I was thinking about it this afternoon, on my way back to the Rock from his house where I stayed over. The last time I felt this comfortably warm about anyone was in Las Vegas. And that gave me a terrible fear, but I realized that at three months into that Thing I was already plunged into the depths of hell, whereas here, it's been four and I'm only just now feeling the comfort... and it's been a pretty steady four months.

What made me Fall in the weeks preceding Black August was a feeling of being cared for, of being looked after. But BigMan has supplanted that memory with the real thing; when I'm over there it gets to be hard to leave cuz someone making you breakfast or feeding your drunk ass burgers, or getting up in the middle of the night to get you water and Excedrin...that stuff hardly ever happens to me. Granted when he's here it's the reverse... in my own environment I'm so used to doing everything that I just naturally do everything. But over there, at his place.... it's different. Yeah, I know it all changes once folk get used to each other. But it's nice to have that, even for a little while.

The other thing that makes it easy is he rolls with my "isms". Not to say they don't piss him off but where my "isms" would send the ParentingPartner into a frenzy, BigMan will give me shit but he gets over it. Last night I'd asked him to meet me at a club where my HS Peeps were gathering... I really wanted him to experience them. He first had to take BestGirl to her therapy appointment as he usually does so I tried to time my arrival with his. Well, I was late. I got into playing with the new printer Poppy bought me, and then realized I HAD to go to the Post Office before I left the Rock and that threw off my timing. Plus... I couldn't find anything that fit my fat ass, but that's another story.( I've gained back whatever weight I'd lost... but I'm not as heavy as I thought I was; I weighed myself at the docs Wednesday. But I'm still heavier than I've been in a while and it's pissing me off.)

But anyhow...

I got there after him and he was TICKED. And he didn't hide it. Since he had a right to be annoyed I didn't get ticked at him in return. But we ended up having a great time together, and he didn't crowd me when I talked to my friends and he danced with me. I got twisted off of "Well" vodka over ice and he led me home and made me burgers...

This morning, I kept trying to get it together to go. I wanted to get home and claim my Sun back from his father, since Sun has to go back over there Sunday night as my surgery is at the crack of dawn Monday morning. But it was hard... and BigMan was joking something about "Well if you put a ring on my finger..." Not sure what he meant but I said seriously that if he wanted rings he was going to have to get them. This time I'm not orchestrating anything, cuz when I do it turns to shit. He said it wouldn't... I said I wasn't taking any chances.

However this go-round I don't feel much like running... there's not the same fears or tinglies... not the same type of distress. But I think it's because he puts in as much effort as I ever have and that makes it all feel very different.

But.

Shit can happen and change everything in the blink of an eye. But at the moment I'm reluctantly and cautiously optimistic....

7 comments:

onesillymama said...

You're right, anything can happen in the blink of an eye. But today, I hope you can enjoy your optimism, and enjoy being taken care of. Your descriptions of him sound like he has healthy reactions to human nature.

晚上 said...

回應是最大的支持^^y~~~甘吧嗲..................................................

Jen said...

It's nice to "hear" that you are happy.. content... you deserve it!! And I love that last paragraph... just may paraphrase that on FB LOL

BIGbear said...

wish I could read Chinese comment, but see I'm reading yr blog how about that. glad you found your companion

Blah Blah Blah said...

I like that phase where everything is good, great and wonderful. However for me, that usually last 90 days. I have a time limit on how much good, great and wonderful I can take.

Enjoy!

السلميه said...

Forget the cautiously part of optimistic. The way I see it, whether you're cautious or not, if things get fucked up, you'll be hurt. And then you'll get over it. So why not just let your guard down and enjoy the fact that maybe there won't be a let down. Like - love like you've never been hurt. (I didn't make that up, but I wish I had :)

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

Bear Maiden, Just stopping by (again), and would like to thank you.

~Kit