...that I'm a profoundly lazy bitch.
It's almost a week since the BigBurn, and my emotions have settled from a raging fire to hot coals. The more I mull shit over in my head, the more focused I've become on exactly where I hurt, and exactly where I'm pissed the fuck off. Scabs are a wonderful thing and I've a thick crusty one going; underneath it's painful, but I can deal. It's not oozing and weeping, and I don't pick at scabs... it's not worth it. But the cut is deep. It's going to take a while.
The rage... again it's a good thing I'm lazy cuz I'm a plotting kind of bitch. In my younger days I was great at avenging wrongs with elaborate undetectable plots, but I have way too much shit going on in my life for that sort of thing these days, so while thoughts occur to me and they do amuse me... eh. Who has time? Besides: "Always Take The High Road" is another mantra that I repeat regularly to myself. For good reason. Revenge may be sweet but it can be an awful lot of work.
The coals are hot, red and glowing, largely cuz I still suspect there's more to the story and folk aren't ENTIRELY forthcoming. It annoys me when folk think I don't know shit but on the other hand it's kind of useful to play dumb. And while it sort of matters to me on principal, it's not enough to do anything about.
Every so often the coals flash a flame and it takes my breath away but from experience I know these die down after awhile. The larger issue in the Burn Story was really never about me, anyhow, and I get it... but where it intersected with my life kinda fucks me up. Yeah, there's stuff there that really gets to me. Shit that makes me wonder. But I've been through worse. I think the thing that makes me saddest is that my gates are up again. They won't be coming down for a while. Fuck y'all. You won't get me again.
On the brighter side though, I think I got a good deal in the BigMan. It's been what, four months? And for the four month mark it's going pretty good. The only thing I wonder about really is... how long will THIS last? How long before there's foulness? Or a waning? He keeps saying he's in it for the long haul. But, talk is cheap.
Though there is something in the way he holds me that thinks he may be telling the truth. And it's not that he "yes"'s me to death or always takes my side, and I know I annoy him from time to time already. The one or two things about this relationship that bothered me initially, well, one of them is manageable/quite OK. The other is money. He just doesn't have any. And that's not good for either of us.
On the other hand, loyalty and honesty can't be bought...
It occurred to me the other night, how fickle life can be. How I met him on a fly by. How I almost didn't accept any of his invitations to get together. If the Scrub had been available that August evening, BigMan and I might not have ever been. Except he tells me it was fated, we would have met at some point because we are meant to be. And that makes me smile.