...you'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved in return....
-"Nature Boy" written by Eden Ahbez
The Big L word had come up in conversation a few times, with the BigMan joking that I should just go ahead and say it. I told him he'd need to say it first; I was done being the first.
We went back and forth jokingly a few times, and then last week he asked me again. In my heart, I knew I couldn't, wouldn't say it first... and I asked him please.
And he said he loved me.
And I said I loved him...
..and it's been a slow decline ever since.
I realized, at that moment... the moment he said those words, how ridiculously long it's been since anyone--a man, I mean--has said those words to me. Like years. How important it was that I hear them, feel them, before I gave them back.
In that moment I realized I've been taking the easy way out. Saying "I love you" really is easy. And it gets easier with practice. It's also really easy to love when someone doesn't love you back, there's a rhythm to it. A strength in being the one able to love. But it gets hard when someone loves you back... you realize there is a responsibility in being loved. You hold that person's heart in your hand. Though people seem to forget that.
At the same time, unrelated stories began exploding all around me, from unexpected yet very close places. And it made me start to doubt the whole love-thing again, made me wonder if maybe I spoke to soon. It never seems to work out anyway. Rarely it does. Everyone wants whatever it is they don't have, and fuck up what they DO have.
Today in particular really sucked ass. Some things thrown at me out of left field that I will never discuss, but at the same time I realized that the Beast inside had been picking up strange shit for awhile. And I had been packing it down, not paying attention, thinking maybe I was being girly about shit. And the one thing I HAD been paying attention to, I was completely off base about where it was coming from. I can at least pride myself on saying I noticed something. But my own inner hope and backstory made me think it was coming from one place when really it was coming from quite another.
Rocked. Took my breath away, really, and I know it shouldn't have. I should have long been done crying. I had told myself I was healed, I was OK. Had put it all in a place where I was OK. But I'll never be OK, though I will learn how to cover it, hide it, walk with it. But underneath it's taking a lot longer than I would have liked.
And BigMan didn't get it. Didn't pick up on it. He's not particularly intuitive--maybe he hasn't known me long enough. Maybe all his own baggage and issues prevent him from reading me. Maybe I could have handled the day better. But it hurt. Not as much as other things or times... I'm so jaded now none of it matters, least of all him. Just another flash in the pan.
My ex-sister-in-law tried to kill herself once. One night afterward we were talking and she had said that at the time, she just couldn't take the pain anymore. That she could look at someone and feel all their pain, and hers, and she just got tired. Wanted it to end. I think about her and those words a lot, because while I am far (assuredly very far) from suicidal, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever really learn to manage pain. Some times are easier than other times... and some times are harder.
Because right now, though I hurt for myself, there is other pain and sadness that I can feel, can sympathize with. And actions resulting from that pain have hurt me more than I can say. And so its' all jumbled up, and I can't even write about it, can't talk about it, and even if I did it would be ridiculous anyway. Cuz I shouldn't feel this way. But I do.
So I'll cry for a few days, when no one's looking. And I'll give myself some time to right myself, and I'll be OK. Till the next time.
It sucked. My hands were shaking. I missed the bus I should have been on, and the next one got caught behind the drawbridge off the Rock. In the jostle to get going after the arms of the bridge had lifted, the bus I was on tapped the Parks Department Van in front of it. The Driver had to make a report, and called the police. As the police arrived, they somehow crashed into a car in front of them. So then another set of policeman had to be called to take THAT report. It should have been funny. But I couldn't stop crying.
And of all people in the world to trust, who I could call... the ParentingPartner. He went down and picked up our Sun and brought him home.
And I thought to myself... this can't be happening. I can't do that again. I won't. I will not. And I cried some more.
But I'll be alright. Just a temporary setback, a shitty day.