Blogging Once A Week Now...

...and it sucks for me. I still think all the time, The Voices running around my head all the time. I probably spend too much time hiding in Crackbook. Crackbook is immediate gratification. But it's not that anonymous. It's like hiding in plain sight.

Plus it's not the medium for "deep thoughts". And I still have "deep thoughts" I just haven't been able to slow them down long enough to write them out.

The Sun has been off the last week and half, too. When he's home he sucks up a lot of energy. The older he gets the more energy he sucks up. Speaking of which... the little wisps of a 'stache on his upper lip are very apparent all of a sudden. His face is catching up to his eyes, so they don't seem quite so enormous anymore. And um... when I lived in Jamaica and had any number of cats running around and the occasional puppy, there would come a time when you would notice the animal's balls had dropped. This is beginning to happen in my house.

With that has come a surge of testosterone. He challenges me a little more... loudly. And if he's really smelling his balls that day he'll fling things in his room or slam the door. The other day he acted out so bad in front of the Moon, I sent the Moon home. I then went into the Sun's room with the intention of whaling on his ass, and I looked in his eyes and could see he expected me too. So I decided not to, and took away his Nintendo DS instead. I don't think it's enough of a punishment, although I gave him about a weeks worth of disapproving looks and a few lectures on top of it. But I couldn't think of anything else. Plus, I knew his father was coming in.

SD and I are still getting along. I'm still wary. On Sundays the Sun and his dad do a webcam conference. Last Sunday was Easter, which passed us with no fanfare whatever seeing as how we don't keep it. But we decided to go over with ShoeFly and WhiteClogs to go to ShoeFly's BigSis' house for dinner. That lady can cook. But we weren't driving so it took us forever to get there on public transportation. And it was going to take forever to get back, because of holiday traffic out on the Rock. SD texted me about something, and I realized then we weren't going to make the 8P webcam. When I told him, he got testy. My rational mind knew he was testy cuz it was Easter, and he wasn't with family. But the rest of me got my hackles up because I recognized the "tone" in the texts. That night he sent me an email very reminiscent of emails gotten in the past. And while I didn't go "off" like I would have last year this time, I came close. I sent him a sort of snippy email.

But instead of coming back at me with a nastier one, SD called me. And we actually had a discussion. That came to a resolution. And we hung up, our peace intact.

He came in today, to see the Sun. He'd taken the redeye in from Cali and got to our house about 10A. We all went to breakfast. Then he and the Sun went to visit Poppy and go to Toys R Us, but then SD called, wanting to know if he could take a quick nap since he was crashing from the flight. In theory I didn't mind, but my mind wen through all sort of contortions. But I let him. And when he came back with the Sun, he went into the Sun's room without even asking.

But then again... SD always knew where boundaries were. The problem was he would choose to ignore them. But now, he's not ignoring them. I looked at him today, while we were at breakfast, and I realized that there will always be a connection, because of the Sun. And I don't mind being around him for little bits of time, and I'm awful glad he's big enough and strong enough to handle the Sun. But I could never reconcile. There is no desire. At all. And it reminded me that I do desire someone else...

He took us to karate, the Sun and I. And then he brought us home. The Sun will stay overnight with him tomorrow and the next day...

But the biggest news of all is that the hospital rehab is kicking Poppy out. He can come home. He will go to stay with the Professor for a while. I could tell that it's stressing her. I feel badly... but there really isn't anyway it could work if he came out here. I'm just too far.

I'm tired. I have several projects I'm trying to do and not getting far in any of them. I've got to go to bed... my allergies are kicking my as...

Comments

Lovebabz said…
Blog as you need to. This is the perfect forum for spilling your guts.

I am glad Sun and Dad had time together and you are good with it. Sometimes these things can go well or very badly. You were kind and that will go along way to remaining free in yor heart.

Keep the faith.
i think a connection as such is good and alsways valuable sister

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