....well it was when I started the post but now it's more than that.
....largely because two weekends ago I spent it dealing with SD...
....then I got hijacked for 36 hours or so last week by someone who I could easily spend more than 36 hours with...
...and then life just got in the way....
A long time ago, before blogging and Crackbook, I belonged (well I still belong but I hardly ever post there now) to a "Mom" group over on Yahoo groups. For about 6 years I poured my heart out over there. Just now I went back to try to find something I'd written, but I couldn't find it and instead found several posts about me and SD beginning our court battle in 2004.
Wow, but I was stressed. And he was really acting crazy. A far, far, cry from from SD's most recent visit. If you had told me then that life would be this way I would never have believed you.
But it has gotten steadily better since last May when the court case was settled. And during the visit I actually liked SD again. But I realized something... if ever two people should NOT have gotten together, it was me and him. And yet, we needed to, because we both needed our Sun to "become". Once upon a time, he yelled at me that I had no passion. Which at the time I didn't believe him, and I yelled back at him that he had no faith. And he didn't, in anything. No faith in God, or love, or people.
As time went on I began to suspect there was some truth to what he said, and during his visit I realized he was right. Well... sort of. The thing is I had plenty of passion but I was squelching it.
One of the passions I squelched was the passion to create. And then I got knocked up accidentally and found myself slowly dying because I wasn't following my passion. Because once the Sun made his way into my heart, he opened up my heart to a passionate love I had never allowed myself before. And that love grew to a need to love EVERYTHING passionately in my life, including what I did for a living.
SD had to learn how to have faith... faith that things could get better, that some people were capable of loving him, that his little boy would love him no matter what.
When we met, I was not following my passion. I worked at A&E fixing computers, and during the time I dated/fought with/broke up with /made up with/dated SD I made leaps to other companies for better titles and better pay. And while I made better money, every job took me further and further from what I wanted to be. It took the Sun to make me brave enough to quit the tech track and go to school because I wanted to be a better "me" for him. Which is what Poppy had said would happen... that having children made you want to be a better person.
But SD, with only a GED and and rage issues, had no job. The biggest issue with me being pregnant, as far as he was concerned, was that couldn't make the money I made to support us. He didn't understand how very much I hated it. He once made a comment about he couldn't just "take a day off" because he didn't make the money I made, and remarked it's "NOT like I want to... I HAVE to". So when I finally quit for good, I think it finally pushed him over the edge with me. He didn't understand the person I was allowing myself to be.
He brought it up during his visit... how he never understood why I quit. I know he suspects some involvement with the Cuban--my boss at the time. And he would be right. And I don't feel guilty about my involvement with the Cuban because in my heart my relationship with SD was dead in the water. But I will never tell SD about it. Unless of course he finds the blog. But in any event, the situation with the Cuban was only partially what made me quit... mostly I just hated that job, what I was doing, my life... my self even. And I told SD simply, when he asked... "I just couldn't do it another day."
And I couldn't. I remember the Cuban calling several times the night I quit, begging, urging, threatening me to come back... it would make people wonder what he did that I quit so suddenly (I didn't care), he offered more money (sounded good), he'd give me responsibilities and training (maybe). My rational mind was all set up to accept the new offer but when I opened my mouth my own voice answered back "No, I'm not coming back." I remember being completely shocked at myself. My head screaming at me to correct myself. But my voice said again, "no". And that was that.
And I realized during SD's visit one of the reasons I'm so comfortable with the Cricket is that he is as crazy as I am... his mind wanders in the same places, the same anxieties, clambers over the same obstacles. What this means as a future for us I can't say. I only know that for the first time in forever, I am very comfortable around a man when I'm in my "crazy." I have girlfriends who totally accept/maybe even love my crazy... but there hasn't been a man in forever who truly understood it.
So then last week I was hijacked for 36 hours. If I let myself I could have fallen in love completely and wholeheartedly, and as it was, for the time that I was hijacked I lived the moment. Then I got back to life. And I'm unsure again... not of him but what happens from here. I realize I don't trust men at all anymore. I know the way their mind works... and I know the way women want to interpret or read it. And I know the way it really is. So maybe I am holding back because my heart knows what the outcome will be, ultimately. But I enjoyed the hell out of those 36 hours for about 10 different reasons.
I know that certain things will definitely come to pass... it looks like the project we've been working on can really happen. On a much smaller scale for now, but doable. How that will affect anything else is hard to say.
If I have to move on and let go of him, the Cricket, I will... there will not be another BlackAugust. But you know, I'd really rather not.