I'm up cuz I can't breathe, dammit. My nose is SO congested despite several rounds of Sudafed.
I think I don't believe in the concept of The Soulmate. At least I don't, as in A One And Only SoulMate.
It's a question I've been wondering for a while, probably started wondering around the time I realized I've loved several people very deeply in my lifetime, though in the grand scheme of time I'm not at all old. But some of my girlfriends, even, I could easily consider a few of them "soulmates."
I think it's human nature to love more than once. Sometimes even at the same time. I think it's more a question of timing. If you find someone who is a soulmate, you could be with them for the span of your life if the timing is right... if you both live a similar span. If they leave before you, depending on how long you have left to live, you might live without loving someone else. But chances are pretty good that if you live long enough you'd find another soulmate. Like the Immortal in The Highlander movie series. The great sadness of his life was that he would outlive his love. But he would find another.
So my current theory is that love is like a dragon's egg. Or something that needs a catalyst; it can't exist in a vacuum all by itself. There needs to be something to spark it into flame. In the book Eragon, which the Sun and I started reading last year but have yet to finish, a dragon's egg could stay dormant for years until it came into the possession of the person destined to be it's rider. And then it would hatch. Until then, it could be passed around and cared for, maybe even loved, but none of those things could cause it to hatch until it was in the care of the person destined to ride it.
I thought about this weekend, cuz I had a visitor. In my StopNGo love life, I had a "Go" but now I think it's probably on a "Stop" again. It was a good "Go", pun intended. The thing is, I still think I'm a TimePost... just being used to mark the time, though I dunno. It was late when he got here, and he'd gotten a ride--directly to my door--from his "people" which oddly enough threw me for a loop. I'm used to the idea of being his secret, even though I pretty much figured somebody had to know. Guys are way bigger gossips than girls. And day had well broken before he left, which also threw me for a loop. But in between that I felt moments of his discomfort, his hesitation at crossing over the threshold into a new space of Whatever-This-Is.
There are markers in relationship--whatever the nature of that relationship--little things you notice as you navigate getting to know someone. Some of them... sitting in the bathroom while someone showers, staying past daybreak, letting someone cook for you, some of them are highly noticeable, and some of them pass without anyone noticing. But this Whatever-This-Is has been so StopNGo that I notice most of them. Or the lack of some of them. He won't let me feed him, an observation that fascinates me. The Moon wouldn't eat my food either, for the longest time preferring to wait for his "Mom's" but now he'll eat most of what I'll put in front of him. But Nene still won't, though he let me rub his back while he fell asleep.
He had committed to staying till daybreak, but I felt distinct second thoughts. One of the many things I love about him is that he never breaks his word once he gives it, so he stayed. And before I fell asleep I felt my little dragon jostle in its shell, but it didn't hatch. The tiny core of me is still unopened. Still waiting for the catalyst... but I'm still a fool for the boy.
Shoefly asked me later, when I revealed I'd had a visitor exactly what I thought... was he just a scratch? her tone implying I'd be silly to think anything else. That it can't go anywhere. And I told her bluntly "I like him. He'd never get this close to me if I didn't, but it is what it is. But I like him." And she didn't want to discuss it any further, though I could have talked for hours about all the reasons that I do.