I'm Alright

...which is kinda cool. I've said here that "depression is anger turned inward", and it's worth it to really examine and acknowledge the things that piss you off. It's even better when you can deal with it and move on, and not hold on to it.

It's a nice thing to be able to identify specifically what pissed you off, call up somebody and say "hey, you know, you pissed me off because.... and it made me feel hurt because..... but I'm OK/I understand because.... and I'm sorry if I....". And it's even better when that person can say "Well, I felt bad.... and I'm sorry, too.... and you took it totally the (right/wrong) way because....". And then be able to say "We're good?" "We're good" and actually feel OK when you hang up. I haven't had that happen in a looooong time.

It's just too bad it won't go much further than that, but oh well.

I also realized that ongoing issues and heavyduty baggage notwithstanding, generally speaking I'm OK. I'm over a lot of things I wasn't sure I was over. I'm OK with being intense, with being "all or nothing", with aspiring to higher standards. I'm OK with feeling strong anger or sadness or hurt, or joy, and realizing that none of those feelings will make or break me. I'm OK with being crazy. I used to worry how my issues would affect people and it caused me to tie myself up a lot, but I'm doing much better about surrounding myself with people who accept me and my issues. I've made good friends these last few years with folks who don't get uptight when I rant about other people or Alec Baldwin or world affairs, or when I "flake out". And who don't patronize me, either (cuz that always gets me going). Friends who are perfectly willing to step up and deal with situations that I can't, and don't get mad at me because I can't. Who tell me "don't get involved, it will only upset you. We'll tell you when we need you" and who actually *do* tell me when they need me. Friends who are OK with me being me. It's wonderful! I love them for this, and it has helped me tremendously. It took a lot of work, though, for me to find these people, it took work for me to be able to let them in, it took work for me to trust them. Mainly, they happen to be girlfriends, but there's a couple of guys (mostly the hubbies of my friends) in the mix and that's cool, too.

I might have a few moments here and there, but I'm entitled. And I'm sure I'll have a bunch come June and July (when I have a court date) but that's OK too, because I have a pretty good back-up system and they keep me cool. There's still a bunch of stuff I need to work on... I need to trust myself more. I need to organize my apartment. I used to be *so* neat and I'm *so not* neat anymore. I need to draw again. I need to start saving money again (boy I bought some shoes from Nordstom's the other day. The kind you buy even though you have no idea what you could *possibly* wear them with???? I don't normally buy stuff like that--I'm very practical but they were just too hot to let go. But I'm going to figure out what to wear them with because they must be shared. I think they'll go with my House of Dereon "skinny" jeans I scored on eBay. Yes, I swore I'd never wear "skinny jeans" but these... these were cut for a sister, if you know what I mean. Of course I wonder if I can actually *walk* in the damn shoes, but I guess I'll figure that out.).

Oh wait. I went off on a tangent. I was saying I needed to start saving again. But I also need to dress more girlie again, instead of like a teenaged boy. Or a mom. I started doing that recently--dressing like a girl, and it makes me feel good. (I have friends that would argue that I dress more "girly" than most, but I used to *really* dress and I haven't really done that since the Sun got here.)

And I have to continually work on my narcissistic tendencies, and I have to remember to be patient with people, and I really should get out more.

I also need to work on my time management skills, cuz they suck, and I have a problem with authority figures. But all things considered I'm doing OK at my job, so I guess I've learned some skills in those areas.

So... I'd figured I'd post the "good", cuz I've already posted the "bad" and some of the "ugly".

And of course, this is merely how I feel today. Tomorrow it could be different. Does this make me bi-polar, I wonder?

Comments

Janet said…
Not bi-polar, just authentic!
The Bear Maiden said…
You're so reassuring, my freind :)
Jennifer said…
How did you get to that place where you are ok with everything? I SO want to be there again in my life... while my child is still young.
Jen Rapp

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