Sometimes in life you do get a "do-over". The thing is, you think it's going to be a cool, useful thing and that you get to go back and fix all the wrongs.

But actually what happens is first a "blue screen of death".... (hell)things freeze over, shit does a memory dump and the screen goes black. And then you have to reboot... restart. And really it kinda sucks. You may come back up first in "protected mode" where the screen looks all weird, or the network doesn't connect... or you have momentary freak-out moments when you can't access your hard drive. Or your bank account. Or something.

So, on January 13 my screen went black. The Marshall came. Luckily, most of my stuff was out of the apartment except for a ton of stuff I really wanted to donate to Salvation Army including my really big pine TV cabinet.

And I'm only now sort of coming out of a fog. I'm with my neighbor upstairs, camped out in her second bedroom. Raccoons live in the ceiling. I don't see them, but I hear them pattering around, occasionally fighting with each other. It skeeves me and it's annoying. But it's not the worst thing.

The worst part is missing BigMan. And my own bed. And him in it. And neighbor smokes... I've been congested for 3 weeks and my eyes don't stop running.

The Sun has pretty much taken it in stride... at least I thought so until I went through his book bag tonight and realized it's in complete disarray. And he's kind of short tempered and has an attitude... but he's in the same building and has most of his stuff, and a 12 year old girlfriend. He also doesn't want to leave me, claiming it's because he hates his dad (they DID have an issue a couple weeks back) but I think he just wants to stick close.

It's not all bad though, my life. It could be worse. It could easily get worse. But there are people worse off than me... who would love to be in my shoes. Like the woman I spoke to the other day... a parent of one of the violin kids, who told me rather calmly the horror story of her 63-year-old mother getting bashed over the head two months ago with a lawnchair by a man she didn't know and who's proposition she had rebuffed. He beat her so bad over the head and face that she lost both her eyes and most of her teeth.

She told me this on the evening of the day I had sat in FEGS all day because I'd been "FTC"'d - Failure To Comply. According to their records, I didn't show up to sit on my ass all day. Oh yeah, I started my new job at the framing store that day. A fact I'd told FEGS about beforehand. And called to report the day I started. But they marked me absent, and I got FTCd. I'd let it go, but I need to keep my Public Assistance status so that I can get this rent help. After that, FEGS can kiss my ass.

But I digress. I sat there all day on some bullshit, thinking at least it would be worth it for the weekly metrocard I've been getting... but instead I got a blank stare and 4.50 card. And I had been barely containing my frustration all day but when I didn't ge the bullshit metrocard I almost lost it. I tell you... when I'm in my own life again, have I got a rant about Welfare. What bullshit.

But again, I'm off track. The point of my story is that I was feeling thoroughly broken and discouraged. I went to BigBear's old apartment where my computer is and where BigMan will be using it as workspace... and I cried. But then I went to Opus to get my Sun, and ViolinMom told me her horror story and I remembered this song...

So... I'm grateful I have a caring neighbor who smokes but who has let me into her home, even though the landlord had a cow about and turned the heat way down low, then threatened HER with eviction.

And I'm grateful BigMan loves me and helped me pack and store all my shit.

And I'm grateful that ParentingPartner has curbed his darker tendencies and let me be, for the most part. And I'm grateful for my Sun...

But I really can't wait for my life systems to come online again. Cuz this shit is draining. This shit is for the birds....


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