Dunno How This Is Gonna Work,

exactly, but I'm sort of deciding I can't really write about the Tomcat. Not specifically, anyhow. It's just way too public, in my very small circle of real life friends. Consequently, the ones who comment the most (well, except for the Professor but she's related and ballsy like me) feel funny doing so, and plus, when it all blows to hell I don't know that it needs to be that public.

But I'll let you all know when it does.

I told him this means I need to tell him stuff directly, but I'm not sure how that's gonna work exactly cuz I'm not sure a.) there's stuff he'll want to hear and b.) I'm ready to say. Though I slipped up and admitted to something I shouldn't have...

I dunno.

Professor's very hopeful about this, and usually I trust her but I'm more of the jaded variety. The older we get the more baggage we carry... in my case a host of whispery/screamy voices, a huge load of post-traumatic stress from TF, and a complete inability to trust someone enough to lead. For four years or so I spent my life in a relationship where every move I made, every word I said had the potential to blow up on me, and so I was very methodical and calculating in what I said or did. It's a hard, very hard habit to break. And then on top of that to be watchful of everything he did or said, to watch for patterns, tones, inflections. It was a lot of fucking work. And then for three years after that all out war. A very bruised house cat, I am, with mamabear tendencies. And I didn't realize how badly bruised until I was confronted with the possibility of a real "something". Cuz as much as I loved my Nene, there was always Babymama and I knew she'd always be there. And I had come to see, especially lately and in relationship to other things, that Nene was no fighter. He was a very "safe bet"... loving him didn't cost an awful lot, until much later. It was like "No Payments for a Year!" and then in tiny print somewhere "Pay ridiculous fees later."

But this one is more like a 30-day free trial, and then regular rates will apply. Reasonable....but if you don't got it, you don't got it.

Crackers.

Those metal gates are shut, but Tomcats have a way of discovering unguarded storm drains and bars that are spaced slightly further apart than others... and it's not that they mean to purposely break in... it's just they know there is food or water or scratchin' to be had, and they need to get to it. So here am I in this huge and ridiculously walled fortress, sealed tight... but something's already rattling around in the basement. I can only pray that it doesn't trip the booby traps.

And that's all I'm gonna (try to, anyway) say about that...