Friday, April 22, 2011

Red Hook, BK way too trendy for my taste but it sure looks cool...
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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Upper West Side about as strange and "small town" as the Rock I am leaving...

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Monday, April 18, 2011

I Will Miss This

...when I go...

...the Rock has been good living the last 15 years, but it's time to go. It was a great place for a small boy but it's not such a great place for older boys. Boredom and isolation tends to breed random acts of stupidity, and I hope that the Sun will have better access to things by being closer to them.

I will miss small town living, sea breezes and beaches within walking distance...

I'm a little verklempt.

But I can't wait to be gone.

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Thursday, April 14, 2011


...ordinary things in a different way.

...the ceiling of the subway station at 96th street...

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Wednesday, April 13, 2011


...sitting on a subway train. Notice how much room the man takes up...

An every day thing, and a most annoying fact of subway life.

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Monday, April 11, 2011

Sitting In A Park

...waiting for the world to start up...

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Sunday, April 10, 2011



Although it damn sure doesn't feel like it.

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Saturday, April 9, 2011

I Wonder... long these water towers will continue to be part of the New York skyline...

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The Downside

... of that cool fuzzy feeling is I don't like the fuzzy after effects of drugs. That little bit of codeine had me fuzzed over the entire next day. But I guess that's why once you take drugs you keep taking drugs... to get rid of the fuzzy after feeling.

My back still hurts. But it's sort of localized in one place so either I have some kind of kidney pain or a pinched nerve. Cuz it's not muscular pain. The ManChild (right now he's worrying me... a dark cloud of testosterone is clouding his sunny face) said I should just go to the doctor.

I should. But I don't think I have medicaid anymore, and God knows I don't have the time to sit in an ER.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I Totally Get It Now

...the drug thing. Sometimes you just want it to stop. Just want to stop being annoyed, or stressed, don't want to feel any pain, don't want to be mad. Don't want to feel the world pressing against you, don't want to feel the weight of people's issues pushing into your mind. Don't want to hear the voices chattering.... just for a little while.

Sometimes you crave being comfortably numb... crave the warm tingly feeling that starts in your toes and fingers, pain melting away on a soft warm cloud, silence rolling in on a fog, edges dulled... noises muted...

My back started hurting yesterday. I went to reach for something last night and it grabbed so bad it took my breath away. On top of all the other stuff going on, hurting like that just made me want to cry. I found myself craving drugs... and I've never had anything stronger than codeine or pot.

UN has some South African OTC stuff that has a low dose of codeine in it... which i just took. I can feel it dissolving the pain in my back, the stress in my head... and so, the drug thing? I totally get it....
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Monday, April 4, 2011


...of sorts.

Not quite sure how this is all going to work out, and a little concerned because nothing is moving even though we now have a key.

BigMan met the super last Thursday and picked up the key for us. When I went to meet him in the spot, his face told me he wasn't too happy with the place, a fact which freaked me out for a few hours.

Till I remembered that day about two weeks ago when I traveled from Broadway to Lexington, up north to Inwood and and as far down as 116th. I saw seedy building lobbies, ratty lobbies, so-so apartments, ok apartments, nice supers, mouse droppings... and not one apartment I thought UN would be comfortable in. Or a neighborhood she would be OK in. She's the one who's credit is being run, the lease is in her name... I have nothing. Am nothing, anymore.

A few weeks prior we'd seen a really beautiful apartment we all loved on Cabrini Boulevard. It was listed by Adina Equities, and I'd found the listing on Craig's List. By the way... I hate Craig's List. For little things I suppose it's a good useful tool, but for things like apartments or jobs it's filled with scammers. Including Adina Equities, which purports to be a high-end realty company, but is really pretty snooty. In any event, UN passed the credit check with flying colors and they scheduled her for an interview. I went with her to the company that apparently managed the building, Cooper Square Realty. Listed at $2195, the place was beautiful... a true 3 bedroom with a living room AND a dining room. The master bedroom had a small bathroom in it, and there was another bathroom between the last two bedrooms. It would have been perfect for us. Room to spare. But during the interview the realtor briefly let it drop that the rent may be raised... and we didn't pay attention.

And right at the end, expecting a happy ending, the fuckers told us they denied UN's application at that rent. But we could make an offer. I was pissed. Disappointed. And that's an understatement.

So we had to search all over again, and after that place, nothing looked good. Except for the one I walked into at the end of a very long day. At dusk, with college students heading home, the place seemed warm. And it had a great kitchen. But during the day, the view isn't that great, two of the bedrooms are dark, the bathroom is tiny and the rooms aren't that big. But it's clean, secure, all the wood has been restored... and the kitchen is fabulous.

I had to give up my dream of a zen bedroom devoid of shit. Hopefully UN will be OK with giving me the bright one after 11 years of sleeping in a pitch dark room. But I'll have to take Bigbear's old loftbed, and set up a work space underneath. And I still don't know where I'll put my clothes. Because I never had dressers... my old place had two closets in my room.

So I'll have to make do. I filed my taxes and was delighted to find I may actually get some money back, because I'm poor. And I wanted to buy a flat screen TV and leave the big ginourmous one that the BabyDaddy had left us when he moved to California. But BigMan nixed it... and then nixed it again in front of UN. Which the more I think about it, pisses me off.  For a 100 different reasons.

On top of this, my kid is giving me a hard time. He's giving his father a hard time, too.. and BD is not resilient or negotiable and is not handling this well or rationally at ALL, resulting in my literally having to step between them last week.

And  I'm getting the feeling that people around me are starting to doubt my ways and my reasoning... which is kind of funny because despite the fact my life looks like a train wreck, in my gut I feel like I'm following a path. A path that's taking dangerous curves, but will be OK in the end.

But then I worry... because psychopaths and people with social dysfunctions seem to think they're right. You know -- people with narcissistic tendencies. Which I do have, admittedly.

But I do think that the apartment I found is going to work for us, even if only as a way to pry UN out of this one, I DO know I want to leave BDs fucking TV behind, and I do feel strongly that I can't fight every stupid battle the kid throws my way. I have to leave my fights for the big ones... and I do know I'm capable of kicking his ass when I need to...

But I am in limbo.

On the other hand, part of two of my "Taste of Judaism" class was last week. Once I'm in the new spot, I think I may join. And I'm putting my kid in Hebrew School.