...of sorts.

Not quite sure how this is all going to work out, and a little concerned because nothing is moving even though we now have a key.

BigMan met the super last Thursday and picked up the key for us. When I went to meet him in the spot, his face told me he wasn't too happy with the place, a fact which freaked me out for a few hours.

Till I remembered that day about two weeks ago when I traveled from Broadway to Lexington, up north to Inwood and and as far down as 116th. I saw seedy building lobbies, ratty lobbies, so-so apartments, ok apartments, nice supers, mouse droppings... and not one apartment I thought UN would be comfortable in. Or a neighborhood she would be OK in. She's the one who's credit is being run, the lease is in her name... I have nothing. Am nothing, anymore.

A few weeks prior we'd seen a really beautiful apartment we all loved on Cabrini Boulevard. It was listed by Adina Equities, and I'd found the listing on Craig's List. By the way... I hate Craig's List. For little things I suppose it's a good useful tool, but for things like apartments or jobs it's filled with scammers. Including Adina Equities, which purports to be a high-end realty company, but is really pretty snooty. In any event, UN passed the credit check with flying colors and they scheduled her for an interview. I went with her to the company that apparently managed the building, Cooper Square Realty. Listed at $2195, the place was beautiful... a true 3 bedroom with a living room AND a dining room. The master bedroom had a small bathroom in it, and there was another bathroom between the last two bedrooms. It would have been perfect for us. Room to spare. But during the interview the realtor briefly let it drop that the rent may be raised... and we didn't pay attention.

And right at the end, expecting a happy ending, the fuckers told us they denied UN's application at that rent. But we could make an offer. I was pissed. Disappointed. And that's an understatement.

So we had to search all over again, and after that place, nothing looked good. Except for the one I walked into at the end of a very long day. At dusk, with college students heading home, the place seemed warm. And it had a great kitchen. But during the day, the view isn't that great, two of the bedrooms are dark, the bathroom is tiny and the rooms aren't that big. But it's clean, secure, all the wood has been restored... and the kitchen is fabulous.

I had to give up my dream of a zen bedroom devoid of shit. Hopefully UN will be OK with giving me the bright one after 11 years of sleeping in a pitch dark room. But I'll have to take Bigbear's old loftbed, and set up a work space underneath. And I still don't know where I'll put my clothes. Because I never had dressers... my old place had two closets in my room.

So I'll have to make do. I filed my taxes and was delighted to find I may actually get some money back, because I'm poor. And I wanted to buy a flat screen TV and leave the big ginourmous one that the BabyDaddy had left us when he moved to California. But BigMan nixed it... and then nixed it again in front of UN. Which the more I think about it, pisses me off.  For a 100 different reasons.

On top of this, my kid is giving me a hard time. He's giving his father a hard time, too.. and BD is not resilient or negotiable and is not handling this well or rationally at ALL, resulting in my literally having to step between them last week.

And  I'm getting the feeling that people around me are starting to doubt my ways and my reasoning... which is kind of funny because despite the fact my life looks like a train wreck, in my gut I feel like I'm following a path. A path that's taking dangerous curves, but will be OK in the end.

But then I worry... because psychopaths and people with social dysfunctions seem to think they're right. You know -- people with narcissistic tendencies. Which I do have, admittedly.

But I do think that the apartment I found is going to work for us, even if only as a way to pry UN out of this one, I DO know I want to leave BDs fucking TV behind, and I do feel strongly that I can't fight every stupid battle the kid throws my way. I have to leave my fights for the big ones... and I do know I'm capable of kicking his ass when I need to...

But I am in limbo.

On the other hand, part of two of my "Taste of Judaism" class was last week. Once I'm in the new spot, I think I may join. And I'm putting my kid in Hebrew School.


professor said…
leave the huge tv you a flat screen...don't worry bout the space, it will will be centrally located and that in itself will make the space worth it...
your kid is giving you a hard time? shoot buckle your seatbelt cause it's gonna get worse before it gets's one of those things you don't believe till you live through it...remember those phone calls where i was begging you to take some child or another off my hands for a night so I wouldn't kill them or myself?
but it will get better...spring makes everything much better...

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