Sunday, June 14, 2009

I went to my 25th high school reunion today. Twenty-Five years. Twenty-Five years ago I couldn't even picture being 44. Had no idea what my life would be like... but the few ideas I did have; two kids, married, singing... not a one of them is anything close to what my life is like today.

An odd assortment of people showed up. It's funny that the ones who were REALLY popular like the cheerleaders and members of our little basketball team (no offense but they sucked, really) didn't show.

And it's always interesting to see what became of folk; two are police officers, three work for Transit, some are teachers, one is an assistant principal, one's a doctor. One works/sings at Dollywood and the other sings around town. And me. The jobless crazy one. And I was supposedly one of the focused, straitlaced kids... good grades, steady out-of-school boyfriend. They all told me I looked the same.

Looking back at myself today... I'm probably closer to that girl in High School now; open, hopeful, doing what I love... then I have been in a long time. I guess that's a good thing... how many people can say that?

But I felt a little intimidated talking to some of those folk, not wanting to really go into why my FB status updates are so crazy or what I'm really doing with my time. Specially when I started talking to the doctor.

It's funny cuz I had kind of a crush on him in High School, and he said he had kind of a crush on me, but neither one of us knows why nothing ever happened. I told him--and it's true--NOBODY asked me out in High School. At least not that I recall. I guess everyone knew I had a boyfriend outside of school, but NOONE ever hit me up or tried to get me out or anything. I wonder how different my life would have been if someone had....

The school had chartered two buses to go from the new building back to the old, and wow. What memories! The bust of Toscanini no longer resides there, and the old wooden phone booths had been ripped out, and many of the walls painted over but it was MY school. I went up to the tower where the Gospel Chorus rehearsed and where I had years of voice lessons. It was amazing to be back there... But we laughed cuz a few of us had no idea that there was a library there, myself included. I never ever went in there...

One of the folks from the class of '85 had chartered a "party bus"... and what a spectacular thing THAT was!!!! A double-decker bus with neon lights and flat panels... booze (probably), waiters, etc. But I haven't slept in like two days, I need to do laundry and food shopping, and I knew if I got on that bus it was gonna get ugly. So I came home.

The Doctor drove me to 125th, and we sat parked for a minute, just talking. Nice guy... always was. But I've made the rather distressing realization that my heart really wants to be someplace else. But it's not gonna happen. I wonder if I have the strength to let it go before it bites me?

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Alone With My Thoughts...

...for a few days. The Sun has gone off on a two-and-a-half day camping trip with his school. I didn't pack till last night... but I kept falling asleep and didn't want to pack too much since the suitcase is big to begin with and I'd stuffed his sleeping bag inside. But now I'm worrying I didn't pack enough warm stuff... I did get his hair braided though. I did it myself. Box braids... that's all I can do.

Lots to think about. I keep thinking about a line from a movie I recently refused to see, "He's Just Not That Into You" (cuz I was afraid of it ringing too close to the heart for me, and had visions of myself crying through the whole fucking thing) where a chick says something like "Stop being nice to me if you're not going to marry me". Seriously. Do stop.

I can't say I'm numb today. I'm not numb. I feel like a newly frozen pond, where the deep cold water is still moving underneath, but there's an icy glaze over the top. I look forward to my Gospel Chorus rehearsal later today. I know it will make me feel better.

Lots to write about. I don't like that sometimes I need to spew about something but can't really because now I know people will see it and take it the wrong way... so I'll wait a few days. I need to sit on it, anyway. But I'm drained... like I took too much on again and it hasn't all dissipated yet.

I wish I had a ground wire.

I'm just fed up. Too much to do and I don't feel like doing shit but sleeping. Which essentially means I'm tapped out.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I Hate It....

....that my gut is usually right. The voices scream and I hate hearing them, but I listen because I know they are usually right.

It's been an up and down week, but today was a particularly shitty day. Actually the past few days haven't been too pleasant but I've been trying to tread water.

The Project launch went pretty well... we didn't make back the initial capital but we actually came pretty close, and given the environment and the economy we really did well. I'm pretty sure we'll at least break even. I still feel good about it. I still love the creative back and forth between the Cricket and I but I'm becoming increasingly convinced that's about all there ever will be. Maybe I'm stressed. Maybe I'm PMSing. Well I guess I am, I can feel it. I don't usually but when I do it's bad.

But the voices are screaming. Little things jump at me and I think I just need to be real with myself and leave well enough alone. Which is really too bad but there will never be a Black August. I will never let myself get caught like that again.

Speaking of which, I was in a situation a few weeks back in which I was really really close to the Scrub. I was so close, in fact, I was asked whether I was really going to be driven home by the people I had come with or whether I was going to be driven home. I really had no intention of going home with him, but you know.... he smelled good and it felt good to be next to him again, and the music was going and the memories came rushing back... and as much as I knew in that moment that what I felt building last June and what happened in July for me was as real as anything ever was, I went home alone. Like a good girl. And I deleted all numbers again and all friendships and I fucking cried. Again. And I thought that my honesty and my integrity would count for something even if no one ever knew about it but me.

But it doesn't mean shit. It doesn't count for shit.

Cuz all anybody ever sees or cares to see is what's on top. Which is why I turn myself inside out so that the inside is on out, hoping maybe I'll get cut some slack by the universe. But Nah. Doesn't work that way.

So there is what there is, and what there is my high school reunion that I can't afford to go to, but someone offered to take me. Fuck it. Since none of it matters I think I'll let him. And I'll do the best I can do with what I got, which ain't shit but it's all I got.

And I'll try again someplace else and another way, cuz that's what I do. Ever fucking hopeful. Fuck me.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Commencing Lift-Off Sequence...

...10.... 9..... 8..... 7....

So we did it, JiminyCricket and I. We HAULED ASS and have a product that will drop at the Rock's little craft fair this weekend. We're not sure how it will go... we hope it will go.... and what doesn't go we'll hustle over the web.

But here we are:

Have a looksee...