Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Coming online again...

...slowly. Quite a few "false starts" and unexpected reboots. Uninstalling unnecessary "programs" and apps... updating or deleting drivers.... another system hang.... a dump...

Turn the thing off and turn it back on again, try again.

Amusing to me that I still remember the steps of troubleshooting a faulty machine but have NO desire to do so. I turn it over to BigMan when the machines act stupid. I've no patience. I read somewhere or talked to someone once who said the optimal time in our lives to understand computer programming is late teens to early twenties, and getting younger every day. Every major computing breakthrough in the last few decades has come from someone with barely any chest hair; Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg.

I had a whole career in my twenties centered around machines... machines I had taught myself to fix. Now the thought of that makes me want to run.

But anyhow...

In my startingover I'm trying to get back to writing. Writing everyday.

But since I'm not at my regular machine every day, maybe I'll do a photo every day. My cell phone takes ridiculously cool pictures. (Shout out to the dying art of photography... every fukker with a cellphone or worse, a digital slr and Photoshop now thinks they're a photographer. My cell phone pics got rave reviews on Facebook. Broke my heart. Guess I have to come up with something new...)

Monday, March 28, 2011

Hold On To Your Hat....

...it's gonna be a bumpy ride through the teenage years. My cute pleasant little boy is smelling his balls. The hair on his lip is unmistakable, and the hair on his face is coming in. His voice is deeper still. He likes being a bigboy but he's having trouble with the thought of a beard.

And he's not getting along with his father.

At all.

And his father doesn't help.

Now, granted, BD was never one to control his temper. It's really hard to have any sort of nuanced conversation with him. I always felt talking to him was like speaking to someone who doesn't speak English. But he is a good dad, dedicated to his kid.

But he doesn't get that Sun is having issues with privacy. He doesn't respect that. And BD is quick to throw accusations my way which doesn't help me want to deal with him.

And my kid's fast mouth is not helping his ass. And his 12 year old cockiness makes him think he can take on his dad and win. And he won't win.

Every parent goes through this. But not every parent is BD.

God help me.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Some Time Later...

and I am still in transition, still rebooting. I have been out of my home almost 3 months. I'm not any more comfortable... but I'm not any less comfortable.

I wish that I had had the mindsight to write every day, to tell bit by bit what is happening... but there has been so much. And I wonder, if and when this is all settled, if I'll ever be able to reconstruct it all.

I'm about to move into a new home that I will share mostly with Upstairs Neighbor. I'm a little apprehensive. I've never lived with another female since I lived with my sister. I moved out when I was 22, when I got married. I have only ever lived with men a total of maybe 5 years out of my entire adult life. But I know that my apprehension is about the same as hers... she who had been married 38 years and is now without husband or mother.

But we get along... I'm pretty sure that will continue in the new place. Any friendship works when you can talk and we talk a lot, UN and I... about the things that scare us, what we need.

The apartment search was brutal. Whatever could have gone wrong went wrong. I looked at a bunch of places. In the beginning we looked together but then she had to work and we were running out of time so I continued the search without her. The broker was great... he earned his fee.

The places I found were either ratty or small or in too big a building. One place was perfect but at the last minute the landlord wanted a hell of a lot more money than what the place was advertised for, another place we missed out on because someone applied online for it before we could get our paper app in. Then the place I finally walked into and loved instantly gave us a hard time because we couldn't get cashier's checks within 24 hours. But finally... finally I think we have a new home... the broker says the key will be released to us next Wednesday. I am cautiously optimistic that things will go OK... I'd be more optimistic if things had gone smoother.

My job is cool; the people are strange and funny and artistic like me. A perk is seeing the art that comes in. Another perk is the occasional free frame. And yet a third perk is the thought that I may perhaps, have the honor of hanging some of my framed work in the store front gallery.

And the other night, I attended the first of three classes, "A Taste of Judaism". It had been a small ad I saw in one of the free New York newspapers. I'd torn the ad out and wondered if I should attend. But then I lost the ad and didn't see it in the next week's paper. And then the ad ran again, and I registered. And I tried to chicken out but the odds conspired to work in my favor and there I was, with the BigMan, listening to a rabbi from a Reformed temple talk about what it meant to be a Jew.

After years and years of wondering, in spite of years of keeping Holy Days on a Roman calendar, sitting there listening I realized with a giggle that I really am a Jew...