my patience for human beings is insanely thin.

I'm not quite sure why that is. Though I have a few suspicions.

One thing is that sometimes seeing every one's issues that they can't see themselves really really makes me crazy. It's a curse. I wish I could shut it off, but I can't. The problem is, I have a lot of empathy for people and their issues, provided they are trying to do something about them. But most people roll along with their issues, putting them off on everyone else, fucking up situations, gossiping, taking what they need to feed that white hot flame and sometimes it's just so draining. Mostly because I struggle with my own. I'd probably be more patient if I had less issues of my own to deal with.

You know, like the ConEd serviceman coming to my door to turn off my lights. For whatever reason, he was really nice to me and gave me an out--bought me 24 hours. Maybe because I made a point of being nice to him. I had a flashback of the electric company in Jamaica sending techs out to disconnect our electricity in Jamaica one Christmas eve. Bigbear went ballistic, and so they got mad at her and turned the lights off for spite. So when the ConEd tech called on the phone from his car, I ran downstairs to talk to him in person... barefoot and stressed. I guess he had pity on me.

So I robbed my business account and kept the lights on another month. I got reimbursed from something I did out of charity and kept the cable on. I borrowed $1,000 from Poppy to throw into the $10,000 hole I'm in with the landlord. I still have to figure out my Sprint bill. And next month I get to do it all again, plus figure out how to raise the rest of the money for the Sun's Peru trip.

I am going grey at an alarming rate. I scrape together nickels and dimes for carfare.

And on top of that, while Bigman has told me before about his being molested as a pre-teen, the horror of what he went through hit us both full force the other day when he decided to do a little digging. What he found, and passed on to me, left my head spinning, left me almost nauseous. I had flashes of my own little boy and what I would do--what his father would do--if someone ever got to him. It was horrible. And my Bigman was really struggling. He was better today, but it's been a rough 24 hours.

So you think I give a rats ass about your problems and issues??? I'm tired of being sensitive, patient and understanding. I'm tired of reeling in my tongue. I'm tired of seeing your shit. I really am.

But of course it's not something I can shut off, so I just have to remove myself as much as I can, hiding out in my house until it passes, until I feel better. I have to do things in my own time.

I'm just trying to hang on... I want to go to Peru because it's the opportunity of a lifetime; I've always wanted to travel with my Sun so that he can see something other than New York City. I'm blessed that this opportunity has presented itself, and I thank God that I have the time to seize the opportunity. But it sure would be nice if I had the cash to do it a little more comfortably.

But I guess it could be worse. It could easily get worse...

I have faith that I'm doing the right thing, mostly for my kid. After learning about Bigman's hell I felt a little better about giving up my whole life to guard my Sun's flame. It's worth it, I guess, if he grows up to be a good man. I look forward to him being more independent so that I can go back to being a more social, working person. I miss shopping. But I'm glad I didn't sacrifice him to do so...

The end of his days at his elementary school are fast approaching. My kid is so nonplussed about everything, I'm not really sure how he feels about it. He got into the Middle School he wanted; he's got two friends there. He is confident in the friends he's made at his current school, and I've no doubt he'll keep in touch with them. There will be no music in his middle school, but he already speaks of continuing with Opus. He has a deeper voice that gets deeper every day, and a slight swagger. Sometimes he throws me incredible shade and I'm tempted to beat his ass, but pretty much I'm proud as hell of him. He is the best of both me and his dad.

It's a little weird to know that in a few days our time at his school will end; it's been six years. A lot has changed in those six years. But me, I'm chomping at the bit... I think I put in way too much of myself with some cool results but also some very not-so-cool results, and I actually look forward to walking away from certain people and never, ever looking back. And the closer the end gets, the more my animosity rises. I struggle with it. I don't usually hold on to most things, but I guess the big things stick with me for a long while and I do much better when I can walk away. And I haven't been able to... but now that I can see the end of the road, Lord I can't wait to get there... then I can stop being polite and having to smile at shit that really burns me up...


Despite all that I want to end on a happier note, and that note is that I am completely in love. I find myself wanting to protect that moment we met... the moment that could easily not have happened because my going out that particular night was such a fluke. And suppose my natural suspicions had over taken me and I'd never given him a chance. Suppose the Scrub had been available that day in early August. But all those things happened and I have my ride-or-die. I love him completely. Flaws and all. He is the kindest human being I have ever met... even though it doesn't seem he would be. He's starting to refer to my family as his family. My cat likes him. Someone said the other day that I would grow old with him, and I know that I will. We joke about that.... being old and stuck with each other. But I like the thought of that....


Your ending made me smile. I'm glad you found your ride or die. And I hear you about people...I tend to be the same way. I've always said I'm make a crappy psychologist because I'd be tempted to just say "Okay it sucks now deal with your shit." And I hear you on the money thing. We have no money for rent next month or bills or food.
Anonymous said…
I would like to think that your "end note" is really your "beginning note"

it put a smile on my face. and I truly hope things start to turn around for you :)

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